Half Baked (1998)

Dave Chappelle: Thurgood, Sir Smoka Lot

Photos 

Quotes 

• Brian : First of all to understand what happened to killer, you gotta understand who killer the dog was. Now killer was born to a three-legged bitch of a mother. He was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that he's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz he's a small time gun runner and a rotweiler fight promoter. So he puts killer into training. They see killer's good. He is damn good. But then he had the fight of his life. They pit him against his brother nibbles. And killer said "no man that's my brother, I can't fight nibbles" but they made him fight anyway, and killer, he killed nibbles. Killer said "that's it!" he called off all his fights, and he started doing crack, and he freaked out. Then in a rage, he collapsed, and his heart no longer beat. wow.

  Thurgood : You know uh, I never thought I'd say this to anybody, but you two smoke entirely too much reefer.

• [last lines] 

  Thurgood : [voice over, after throwing the joint in the water]  I know... I know what you're thinking. That ol' Thurgood sold out, right?

  Mary Jane : [to Thurgood as they are about to walk over the bridge arm in arm]  I'm your girl now.

  Thurgood : [voice over]  But let me tell you something. I love weed, okay, I *love it*... but not as much as I love pussy. The end.

• Brian : Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.

  Kenny : That's it?

  Thurgood : Yeah, get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day? What was it... oh yeah, pussy.

  Kenny : You got it.

• Sir Smoka Lot : The doctor said I need a backiotomy!

• Thurgood : I don't do drugs, though. Just weed.

• Thurgood : [in a woman's voice]  Samson... it's Sheila... M-Momma fell...

  Samson Simpson : Shut up, bitch!

• The Guy on the Couch : Hey, is it January?

  Thurgood : No, it's August.

  The Guy on the Couch : Really?

• Brian : For 400 dollars I got Jerry Garcia in a pouch, man!

  Thurgood : Who the fuck told you that?

  Brian : The man who sold it to me, Barry Garcia.

  Thurgood : So who is that, Jerry Garcia's brother?

  Brian : No, actually it was Andy Garcia's brother.

• Thurgood : I be from Jamaica, mon. Lord have mercy.

  Samson Simpson : What part of Jamaica?

  Thurgood : Right near da beach. Boy-eeee!

• Thurgood : So, now we all live together in New York. I myself, am a master of the custodial arts. Or a janitor, if you wanna be a dick about it.

• Thurgood : Abba Zaba, you my only friend.

• Thurgood : The MacGyver smoker is a very handy guy to have around, especially when it comes to reefer.

  McGuyver Friend : Hey, man, we're out of papers.

  McGuyver Smoker : All right. Then get me a toilet paper roll, a corkscrew and some tin foil.

  McGuyver Friend : We don't have a corkscrew.

  McGuyver Smoker : All right. Then get me an avocado, an ice pick and my snorkel.

  McGuyver Smoker : [Friend looks at him funny]  Trust me, bro. I've made bongs with less. Hurry up!

• Thurgood : It was the summer before 9th grade, and there was me, Brian, Kenny, Scarface, and of course the lovable Old James... hold on, wait a minute... Old James... Old James wasn't there... I don't even know nobody named Old James.

  [Old James disappears] 

• Thurgood : You have smoked yourself retarded.

• Thurgood : [to Mary Jane]  Listen, I really like you. I was just wondering maybe if you're interested we can go out later and get some ice cream or something...

  Scarface : OOH! MOTHER FUCKER SAID ICE CREAM!

  Brian : BLAH BLAH ICE CREAM! YOU'RE SUCH A DORK, MAN!

  Thurgood : Damn!

• Scarface : I got it! Why don't we sell that weed that we smoked earlier!

  Thurgood : We suggested that already!

  Scarface : For real, B?

  [Phone beeps go off in Scarface's head] 

  Voice : Marijuana affects the memory.

• Thurgood : You know I got some weed at work today, if y'all wanna try it out.

  Scarface : Nah, we don't feel like smokin right now.

  Thurgood : Me neither. So y'all wanna smoke?

  Scarface : I'll get Billy Bong Thornton!

  Brian : No man. No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny. That wouldn't be right. Get Wesley Pipes. Yeah!

• Thurgood : Smoka Lot opened up to me like I was Barbara Walters. It was ridiculous, he told me about his lawyer...

  Sir Smoka Lot : He had sex with my momma! Why?

  Thurgood : Spirituality...

  Sir Smoka Lot : God, if you listenin', help!...

  Thurgood : His bad back...

  Sir Smoka Lot : The doctor said I need a backiotomy.

  Thurgood : His love life...

  Sir Smoka Lot : I'm impotent, man! Get away from me, biatch!

  Thurgood : [as Smoka Lot pushes a girl aside]  I mean, talk about a guy with problems.

• Thurgood : This weed was the shiz-nittlebam snip-snap-sack.

• Thurgood : I've heard people say you don't get high the first time you smoke. Not me. No-o, not us. WE were really, REALLY high. We was to' up!

• Historian Smoker : You know, back in the sixties we used to smoke this shit on the street. Cops didn't say nothin', hell, they was gettin' high, too. Everybody was good. It wasn't a thing to do because it was a thing to do, you know? It was a thing to do because it got you high. Can you dig it?

  Thurgood : Oh, I feel you, that's why I'm doin' it. I feel you. Man, you're cool as shit, mister. I hate to do it, but I gotta charge you. That's sixty bucks.

  Historian Smoker : Sixty bucks? Man, I remember when a dimebag cost a dime, you know what I mean? You know how much condoms used to cost back in them days?

  Thurgood : How much?

  Historian Smoker : I don't know, we never used 'em.

  [both start laughing] 

• Brian : You said you gave Mary Jane a pearl necklace!

  Thurgood : Obviously you missed the whole point of that story, Brian.

• Thurgood : Guys just shutup about the weed for two seconds, I don't want this girl to know I smoke

  Scarface : Yeah it's bad enough you a janitor yo.

  Thurgood : Custodian, dick!

• Mary Jane : My father's a drug dealer.

  Thurgood : Wow, that must've been the shit.

  Mary Jane : It ruined his life.

  Thurgood : That must've been shitty.

• I'm Only Creative When I Smoke Smoker : Would you like to hear some of my poetry?

  Thurgood : Not really, no.

  I'm Only Creative When I Smoke Smoker : You really should. "I have killed. I have helped kill. I have killed part of myself. I cannot change this. I... I must seek Buddha. I must seek Christ."

  Thurgood : You must seek therapy. But that's just where I would go with that.

• Thurgood : I'm sorry, yo. I don't wanna be the first nigga to die from a crossbow!

• Thurgood : If I wasn't from Jamaica, then why would I be wearing this hat?

• Thurgood : This money is not for spending, it's for saving! Kenny's sweet virgin ass! You guys spend one more dime I swear I will *bitch*slap you! Gimme that!

  [takes a hit from a roach] 

  Thurgood : I'm sorry for yelling. But I'm serious!

• Thurgood : I'm sexy! I'm a scholar! People like me!

• Thurgood : [voice over, in reference to weed]  You can get this stuff at little corner stores called "bodegas." Say it with me...

  ["BO-DE-GAS" appears on the screen] 

  Thurgood : Bodegas. Yes, very good.

• Sir Smoka Lot : Bitch! You know what I want! Hahahahaha! I wanna talk to Samson! Fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Kramden! 'Cause it's hard being black and gifted! Sometimes I wanna throw it all down and get lifted!

• Thurgood : I got some bootie! I got some bootie! It was good, too.

• Thurgood : If you ever need a guinea pig, let me know. My grandfather was in the Tuskegee experiments.

  Scientist : [nervously]  Oh really...

• Thurgood : [voice over]  And then you got your straight-up potheads. You can spot these people by their lack of motivation, mood swings, forgetfulness and, of course, the dreaded low sperm count.

• Thurgood : Oh my goodness! Now that is a titty! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

  Brian : Bully! That's a certified fully!