This Morning with Richard Not Judy (1998–1999)
Richard Herring: Histor, Matthew, Self, Various Roles
Quotes
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Richard Herring : Curse you, God for making me this way!
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Richard Herring : And then I got off the bus, ah!
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Richard Herring : Is he the sick one in our society? Or is it the businessman, in his suit and tie!
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Stewart Lee : I see you're at your shrine to The Corrs again, Rich.
Richard Herring : [annoyed] The Corrs Shrine, Stew! Call it by its proper name!
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Richard Herring : This hurts me more than it hurts Nostradamus!
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Richard Herring : He's the Man-Corr, Stew, call him by his proper name!
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Stewart Lee : [Puritanical Prizes] RoNAN Keating's underwear.
Richard Herring : Pure and bright like the Light of Heaven...
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Richard Herring : They will think they have seen the sun at night, when they see the half-pig man and one will hear brute beasts speaking.
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Richard Herring : The Curious Orange is gone! We shall not see his like again!
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Richard Herring : The great fish will come to complain and weep, and then it will rain on Friday.
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Richard Herring : The Lord of Terror will come from above, before and after the Earth will be thick with frogs.
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Richard Herring : Do you have a pronouncement, King of the Show?
King of the Show : The Death Penalty should be brought back and used on anyone I command.
Stewart Lee : An unpleasant man...
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Stewart Lee : Are you the man?
Richard Herring : I'm one of the men.
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Richard Herring : Look at his little face, Stew! It's almost as if he understands!
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Richard Herring : Go on! Get in there! She wants it! What's wrong with you?
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Richard Herring : They're all Bumblebees when I get through with them!
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Richard Herring : Kick him when he's down!
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Richard Herring : Nostradamus you said Margaret Thatcher would die. Unfortunately, she lived.
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Richard Herring : She's stolen your gametes, Stew!
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Richard Herring : You always spoil everything I do!
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Richard Herring : Here he comes! The King of the Show!
[Angelic Choirboy Voice]
Richard Herring : Ah-ah-ah!
Overexcited Audience Member : AHHH!
Richard Herring : Ah-ah-ah!
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Richard Herring : [Tray of Wonders] And Dorrytoss, as my Dad calls them!
Stewart Lee : Doritos! Your Dad is from Somerset where the most sophisticated snacks are the scabs from Old Widow Paley's head.
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King of the Show : Jim Davidson should be shut up in prison.
Richard Herring : Make it so! Make it so! The King has Spoken!
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Richard Herring : For those who are concerned about their health, there is Pot Noodle Lite. That exists!
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Stewart Lee : All these Countryside Protestors are in London now. They've been out in the Country lighting fires and trying to frighten Tony Blair.
Richard Herring : If it works for animals it'll work for Tony Blair.
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Richard Herring : I didn't think it through!
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Stewart Lee : Rich, I see you're drinking an enormous glass of milk.
Richard Herring : It's Blue Whale milk, Stew.
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Richard Herring : The women like it! If you look at their faces, it's almost as if they understand!
Stewart Lee : You're sick.
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Richard Herring : We're going to counteract the slushiness of St Valentine's Day by making February 15th St Skeletor's Day, dedicated to the destruction of Love, Saucy Greeting Cards, and People with Girlfriends!
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Stewart Lee : What Richard has said, let no man put asunder!
Richard Herring : Don't put it asunder!
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Richard Herring : I'll never stop liking the Spice Girls, Stew, no matter what atrocities they commit.
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Richard Herring : Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! I'm not saying I'm Jesus, Stew, that is for other people to say.
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Richard Herring : But isn't she a sort of Sexual Bait to lure in the viewer?
Stewart Lee : You're like Denise Van Outen but without the Sexual Bait Element.
Richard Herring : Which is?
Stewart Lee : A kind of Vapour.
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Richard Herring : My name is Rio and I dance on the sand!
Stewart Lee : Is your name Rio?
Richard Herring : My name is Rio-chard Herring...
Stewart Lee : No, listen to the words of the question, is your name Rio?
Richard Herring : No.
Stewart Lee : And where do you dance?
Richard Herring : On my own in Balham in my pants.
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Richard Herring : How do you quantify Gayness?
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Richard Herring : Vinnie Jones, the exception that proves the rule that everyone is a little bit Gay, there is not a Gay bone in his Body.
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Richard Herring : [says something uncharacteristically intelligent]
Stewart Lee : I think we read each other's Autocue, there!
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Richard Herring : They're all Giant Pouch Rats when I've finished with them! And Black and Masked, come to think of it...
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Richard Herring : Bent Coppers! A Drama Series about two policeman, one of whom is Corrupt, the other is Gay. Both are afflicted by curvature of the Spine...
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Stewart Lee : You have an itch?
Richard Herring : I was up in the Belfry last night.
Stewart Lee : Fibreglass Lagging?
Richard Herring : No I have Bat Gonnorhea.
Stewart Lee : Ah, like Rat Syphilis! You are sick.
Richard Herring : I'm not prejudiced! I like all kinds of Bat. Horseshoe Bats, Vampire Bats, Fruit Bats... Of course, they're all Fruit Bats when I've finished with them!
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Richard Herring : [Tattoo: I idolise Robbie Williams and want to be exactly like him]
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Richard Herring : [Curious Orange "Victim"] Get that man to a Hospical! He must be saved!
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Stewart Lee : You have an itch?
Richard Herring : Yes, I have Eel-nonspecific Urethritis! And Blue Whale herpes.
Stewart Lee : Didn't you use protection?
Richard Herring : I used the Eel as protection!
Stewart Lee : Did it have a Kite Mark?
Richard Herring : They've all got Kite Marks when I'm finished with them, Stew!
Stewart Lee : That doesn't even make sense!
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Richard Herring : I hold no Dominion over any of the Lands of the World's Surface.
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Lieutenant Ripley : [Xenomorph erupts from her stomach and steals her slice of Pizza]
Richard Herring : And then they Lez up...
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Richard Herring : How was I to know there were two Baroness Youngs? I'm not magic, am I, Stew? They've got totally different political views!
Stewart Lee : There have to be, Rich, it's like the Forces of Good and Evil in Perfect Cosmic Balance
Richard Herring : So they're like the Ying and Yang?
Stewart Lee : It's Yin and Yang!
Richard Herring : No, it's Ying and Yang! That's what my Father says, and he should know...
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Richard Herring : Aim 4 is to prove that Marilyn Manson is responsible for every bad thing that's ever happened ever, including the Great Fire of London, the War in Kosovo and the Death of Petra the Blue Peter Dog.
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Richard Herring : The Queen, or King, has spoken!
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Richard Herring : My Mousehole is always wide open to receive any type of mice: White Mice, Black Mice, Brown Mice...
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Richard Herring : Put in another mouse!
Scientist : Damn, I could have used that for needless Scientific Experiments! Woo-ha-ha-ha! I am EVIL!
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Stewart Lee : It says here that 3 million rats a year are used in experiments. And that is not enough rats! Rats are man's enemy!
Richard Herring : No, they're our bewhiskered friends!
Stewart Lee : They say you're never 3 feet away from a rat, don't they?
Richard Herring : [has a rat on him] You think we'd notice, wouldn't you? Help! He's trying to get in my mousehole, Stew!
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Richard Herring : It's all happened! It's all happened just like Nostradamus said!
Stewart Lee : [being trampled by David Collins] It's a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, it's a trick!
Richard Herring : David Collins is a horse, he can't understand!
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Richard Herring : If it weren't for me those mice wouldn't be alive!
Stewart Lee : So you're allowed to eat some as a kind of Grateful Sacrificial Offering?
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Richard Herring : [Post Credits, X-Files Parody] I made this!
Stewart Lee : No, I made this!
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Richard Herring : I made this!
Stewart Lee : You must be very proud...
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Richard Herring : At 12.30 we'll be firing everyone at the BBC who's ever taken Cocaine, leaving a Skelington Staff of Thora Hird, Grandpa Flump and one of the Blue Peter Cats.
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Musician : [covered in Pound Puppies]
Stewart Lee : Have you been washing in Gravy again? Never wash in Gravy! Bad Pianist!
Richard Herring : I said "Pianist" Stew!
Stewart Lee : So did I.
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Richard Herring : So, let's hear it for Julie, who can't do an impression of Darth Vader!
[Julie looks devastated]
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Richard Herring : Naked Cheese! No, Monkeys!
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Richard Herring : Your legs are a long way back today, aren't they, Nostradamus?
Stewart Lee : It's almost as if they're not real!
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Richard Herring : You need to get this one right to win the Barbeque! "Nostradamus will once again fail to win the Barbeque" The News said... Yes, you were right! You failed to win the Barbeque! Which means two out of three Correct, you've won the Barbeque!
Nostradamus : Yeah! Yeah!
Richard Herring : Which means prediction 3 is wrong, so you fail to win the Barbeque!
Nostradamus : No!
Richard Herring : Which means you win the Barbeque!
Nostradamus : Yes! Er, No!
Richard Herring : Which means you don't win the Barbeque!
Stewart Lee : Oh no, it's a Parallax! Like some rubbish old episode of Star Trek, before it was good!
Scotty : It's the Prediction Box, Captain, she cannae handle it!
Richard Herring : AHH!
Nostradamus : AHH!
Richard Herring : AHH!
Nostradamus : AH, THEY DID IT, THE MAD BASTARDS ACTUALLY DID IT!
[Prediction Box Explodes]
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Richard Herring : Come on, Stew, Suspend your Disbelief!
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Richard Herring : I am the Lord of the Dance Setee!
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Stewart Lee : That doesn't even make sense!
Richard Herring : They still laughed, Stew! They still gave me the laughter I need to live. Feed me, feed me or I'll die!
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Richard Herring : Nostradamus, atop the Prediction Board?
Nostradamus : You can see for miles from up here! You're not trying to look up my tunic, are you?
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Richard Herring : THE FENCE IS NOT ON OFFER!
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Stewart Lee : We're on Tuesday this week, anyway!
Richard Herring : We're the new Hale and Pace.
Nostradamus : Yes, we are!
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Stewart Lee : Is your name Lola?
[from Rod Stewart, not the Kinks]
Richard Herring : No, it's Richard Herring.
Stewart Lee : And do you have feathers in your hair?
Richard Herring : It depends if I've been entertaining the Owls or not, Stew.
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Stewart Lee : The other week I was beaten up by some Scottish Blokes for being Mark Lamarr.
Richard Herring : Well, it's good that someone was, at least.
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Stewart Lee : Your face is so small in relation to your head that now it has been painted gold it resembles a Roman Coin placed atop a circular rug made from human hair
Richard Herring : Leave him, Stew, he's a child he doesn't understand!
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Richard Herring : Hello Tim Harrison, what's your name?
King of the Show : [Contestant 3] Tim Harrison
Richard Herring : And it says here you can vibrate your eyeballs? Oh God! Get a closeup! You're Evil. He's clearly the Spawn of Satan!
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Stewart Lee : Any pronouncements?
King of the Show : I would like to renounce all conceptions of beauty and have everyone remodelled in my own Satanic Image!
Stewart Lee : He would like everyone remodelled in his own Satanic Image!
Richard Herring : The King has Spoken!
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Richard Herring : [Jan Hammer music over a Cow being Milked. Food and Milk!]
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Richard Herring : Barn Owls, Spotted Owls, Snowy Owls. Of Course, they're all Snowy Owls when I'm finished with them.
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Richard Herring : Do not doubt the Power of Nostradamus, Stew!
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Stewart Lee : [Corrs Shrine] What's this glue doing here?
Richard Herring : I make it out of flour and water.
Stewart Lee : It's very salty.
Richard Herring : I use salt as a binding agent.
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Stewart Lee : Richard got into trouble for sending the Corrs letters, answering the question "What can I do to make you love me?" in rather more detail than they wanted. You shouldn't have sent them the collage!
Richard Herring : It was a good collage.
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Stewart Lee : Wee Jimmy Cranky is actually a small old woman.
Richard Herring : That explains the wrinkles and why she was allowed to Marry her Brother.
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Richard Herring : She's grown up from a Fat Bee into a Beautiful Young Lady! Of course, she went through that David Prowse stage that all young girls go through...
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Richard Herring : CURSE YOU, STEW'S NAN!
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Richard Herring : Ever wondered if everyone around you is really a Robot?
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Richard Herring : Don't you understand, Nostradamus? It doesn't matter if you're a man, a woman, or a strange mixture of the two...
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Richard Herring : I think it was just the frisson of our relationship I liked.
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Richard Herring : Bring him your jumpers, one and all! Bring them to he!
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Richard Herring : And the Patrick McGooghan style irony there is that Stew is talking to himself!
Stewart Lee : No, it's my face!
Richard Herring : In the future!
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Richard Herring : You came in with nothing and look at you now!
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Stewart Lee : Chitinous?
Richard Herring : Chitinous!
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Richard Herring : This is a selection of the things that are in the Universe, but by no means a majority.
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Richard Herring : Check your privilege.
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Richard Herring : [poking through the Curious Orange's mould]
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Stewart Lee : Who pays the Piper? And are his National Insurance Contributions covered by the same mysterious employer?
Richard Herring : That one didn't work, did it? Live TV, who cares?
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Richard Herring : Ferrero Rocher, the Food of Diplomacy!
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Richard Herring : He's funnier than us!
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Richard Herring : French women are gorgeous compared to the dogs we get over here!
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Richard Herring : We hate the French and they hate us! Ignorance is strength!
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Stewart Lee : Tommy Lee has fallen for what I call "I could do better" syndrome. There he is going out with a World Class Model and Baywatch Actress, he thinks "I could do better"!
Richard Herring : Yes, and Prince Charles in the 80s was going out with Princess Diana, the most beautiful woman in the World!
Stewart Lee : So he thought "I could do better" and started going out with someone who looks like Iggy Pop's arse.
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Richard Herring : Tell me, how did you come up with this wondrous idea?
King of the Show : I can't remember, it was in my sleep.
Stewart Lee : Like Coleridge or another Poetic Visionary? I've lost everyone...
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Richard Herring : Golden Grahams! Can you handle the taste?
Stewart Lee : No, taste is a metaphysical concept and can't be handled. Boycott Nestle on philosophical grounds alone!
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Richard Herring : How did you know they were Countryside Alliance?
Stewart Lee : Because they were all tall and weirdly inbred-looking.
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Richard Herring : Your heart is dead!
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Richard Herring : Do you remember this morning when someone with a Spanish Accent tried to sell you an Orthopedic Bed?
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Richard Herring : Don't email pictures to us, because our computer isn't good enough to translate them!
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Richard Herring : You wouldn't do that to the Elephant Man, would you? No, he's dead!
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Richard Herring : I think that joke might bring down the Government!
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Stewart Lee : Your Mum's embarrassing isn't she?
Richard Herring : Don't bring my Mother into this!
Stewart Lee : She looks like Bobby Robinson.
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Richard Herring : Don't play for time!
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Richard Herring : Now, it seems that every TV show has a head-sized Citrous Fruit. And ours is no exception.
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Richard Herring : What are you doing washing socks anyway? You haven't got any feet!
The Curious Orange : Curse you God for making me this way! I will have my revenge! I want feet!
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Richard Herring : I make my Mother a Spice Rack every year, Stew, and I will continue to do so until I see her using one! Come on, use the Spice Rack you Stupid Old Whore!
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Richard Herring : If you want to tell us how much you hate the Organ Gang, or your Mum, write in to TMWRNJ...
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Richard Herring : Christianity is not the only religion in this Country. We must reflect the ethnic diversity!
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Richard Herring : [Smashes the Spice Rack] Spice up your Life!
Stewart Lee : Every woman, every boy!
Richard Herring : Nobody loves their Mother as much as I do, Stew!
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Stewart Lee : Oedipus so loved his Mother that he killed his Father and gouged out his eyes.
Richard Herring : He should have just made her a Spice Rack.
Stewart Lee : How different the World would have been!
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Richard Herring : See? She'd like a Spice Rack! What's wrong with you Mother? I hate you!
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Richard Herring : And for anyone who was a Mother in the 1960s...
Stewart Lee : Loads and loads of Valium!
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Richard Herring : It's an unlikely error but it did happen.
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Richard Herring : Damn that Orange! Damn him to Hell!
Stewart Lee : Terrible scenes of Citrous Violence, there.
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Richard Herring : You spurned me like the others, and now you must pay!
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Richard Herring : Women may one day acquire the Power of Speech.
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Richard Herring : CompuServe are rubbish, don't go with them.
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Richard Herring : I won't eat anything with a face.
Stewart Lee : Nothing with a face. Would you eat a fish?
Richard Herring : No.
Stewart Lee : A pig?
Richard Herring : No.
Stewart Lee : That policeman in the elevator who was attacked by Hannibal Lecter?
Richard Herring : Yes, Stew, because he hasn't got a face!
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Richard Herring : Would you eat Geri Spice?
Stewart Lee : Not exactly eat, but I'd make a start.
Richard Herring : They didn't get it.
Stewart Lee : They're so young.
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The Curious Orange : I'm very curious about the name of this drink!
Richard Herring : The name of this drink, Curious Orange? Why it's Orange Juice!
The Curious Orange : You monsters! The Blood of my Brothers!
Richard Herring : We got you!
Stewart Lee : Drink it down!
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Richard Herring : Those Brussels Bureaucrats are trying to stop us from putting our sewage in the sea!
Stewart Lee : That's a good thing, though, Rich.
Richard Herring : If we want to put our English Sewage in the English Sea that's up to us, not Gerard Depardieu!
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Stewart Lee : The Queen said "I think he can smell my corgis!"
Stewart Lee : I've never heard it called that before.
Richard Herring : The Royals have a different word for everything.
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Richard Herring : That's the Power of TMWRNJ!
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Stewart Lee : You're over thirty, too, now!
Richard Herring : No! When did I grow old? CURSE YOU GOD FOR MAKING ME THIS WAY!
[thunder]
Stewart Lee : God, there. He loves the show.
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Richard Herring : Aim 1 is to prevent any more babies from being stolen from Hospitals by killing all newborns in a King Herod style Purge of the Infants!
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Richard Herring : The Monarchy in Crisis Trolley!
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Richard Herring : Is this studio enchanted?
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Richard Herring : I can't think of anything now that you've pointed out the essential worthlessness of our Act!
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Richard Herring : The Alien's gone insane, Stew! Who can stop him?
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Richard Herring : Someone rid me of this turbulent Alien!
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Richard Herring : Music soothes the savage beast!
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Richard Herring : I'm loving Aliens instead.
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Richard Herring : Stop making up your own jokes!
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Richard Herring : Scary Spice represents the kind of woman who's obsessed with sex. She's a Whore, she's a Jezebel, she's a harlot, she's a Bed-Bucket!
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Richard Herring : Too late, Stew! She's got your gametes! The Ugly Women Line will continue!
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Richard Herring : This Morning with Rectum Not Judy.
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Richard Herring : Consider the Lillycrap, Stew?
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Richard Herring : Just once won't you let me win?
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Stewart Lee : Mice are your only friends!
Richard Herring : And Bagpuss's friends!
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Richard Herring : You make me sick! Sick to my stomach!
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Richard Herring : Aim 4 is to smash sprout-faced actor Leonardo di Caprio in the face with a shovel.
Stewart Lee : Which film is that from?
Richard Herring : One that I'm writing!
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Richard Herring : In light of the startling news that Tara Palmer Tomkinson has taken cocaine, we reveal that Vanessa Feltz has eaten some cakes...
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Richard Herring : Is there an Edict or Law you'd like to pass?
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Stewart Lee : What are you doing?
Richard Herring : Is it not obvious, Stew?
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Richard Herring : Aim 5 is to solve unemployment by encouraging poor people to grow cress in the cleft of their buttocks.
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Richard Herring : MY CRESS IS RUINED! CURSE YOU GOD, FOR MAKING ME THIS WAY!
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Richard Herring : Don't undermine him, it's your own insecurities you're revealing!
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Richard Herring : [Bat Milk] On the down side, the rarer bats carry viruses that one day may wipe out Mankind...
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Richard Herring : Aim 2 is for those people who queued for nine days to get tickets to Cliff Richard's Albert Hall performance to be rewarded with a Humane Death.