Charmed (1998–2006)

Rose McGowan: Paige Matthews

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Quotes 

• Chris : I was just wondering how it went with the doctor.

  Piper : Well, you'll be happy to know that you're a boy.

  [holds up ultrasound picture] 

  Chris : That's not what I meant.

  Paige : [looking at picture]  I don't see it.

  Piper : Oh, see, it's this little thing right here...

  [points] 

  Chris : Whoa!

  [grabs ultrasound] 

  Chris : Excuse me! Do you mind?

• [Morris extends his arm to touch Piper's belly] 

  Darryl : Hey, if you ask me, there's nothing more beautiful than a preg...

  Piper : Do it, and you'll pull back a bloody stub.

  [Morris retracts his arm] 

  Paige : She's a little sensitive right now.

  Darryl : I can see that.

• Leo : ...plus ours will be doubly magical - half Whitelighter. Half witch.

  Paige : Hey, that's like me. Oh. You might have some problems.

• Phoebe : Last night two guys held up a bar and a vigilante killed them.

  Paige : Sounds more like you need an arrest warrant, not a potion.

  Phoebe : Not when the vigilante is tall, dark and handsome and can send people flying with the wave of a hand.

  Piper : Well, that doesn't mean it's Cole.

  Phoebe : Did I forget to mention the scorch marks?

  Piper : See, *that* means it's Cole.

• Piper : I've come to the conclusion that if you've got it, then you must flaunt it.

  [lifts her shirt a little to show her pregnant tummy] 

  Phoebe : That's my niece in that belly.

  Paige : She's my niece, too.

  Phoebe : Hi, niece. It's your favorite aunt, Phoebe.

• Piper : So let me get this straight. You summoned me to a cage where our powers don't work so, what, we could all die together?

  Paige : I'll admit the plan has a few flaws.

• Craig : Who are you?

  Paige : Witch.

  Leo : Angel.

  Phoebe : Mermaid.

• Phoebe : No time to dawdle, there's a baby on the way.

  Leo : This is crazy. You can't leave like this.

  Paige : We, very well can't ignore Chris's birth now can we?

  Chris : I'm the baby. I give you permission to.

• Paige : You used to be a demon *and* a lawyer?

  Cole : Yeah.

  Paige : Insert joke here.

• Leo : [referring to Paige's scant attire]  Uh, Paige, where did you orb in from?

  Paige : I was dealing with some personal issues.

  Leo : Well, I'm your whitelighter so if you ever want to talk...

  Paige , Piper : No.

• Piper : Paige. Is everything okay?

  Paige : Better than okay. I'm going to have a love life.

  Phoebe : You're making a love potion?

  Paige : No, I'm making a stun potion.

  Piper : So that lovers will be stunned by you?

  Paige : No, so that Kazis will be stunned by me.

  Phoebe : You're in love with a Kazi demon?

  Paige : Try to stay with me, people.

• Piper : Oh, you know what? She's getting angry. And our powers don't work so good when we're angry.

  Mitzy Stillman : We've got them now.

  Piper : Yeah, you've got us now so why don't you blow us up?

  Phoebe : Piper, death bad, life good.

  Paige : Don't worry, this bimbo couldn't hit the broadside of a beauty parlour. Check out that dye job.

  [the blonde sisters gasp] 

  Mabel Stillman : How dare you!

  [Mabel blows up the doors] 

  Piper : Run!

• Leo : As your whitelighter, I'd say go with your instincts.

  Paige : Okay.

  Leo : But as your brother-in-law, going up against your sisters would be pure suicide.

  Paige : Great. You've really helped clarify this issue.

• Paige : We kick evil's ass every day.

  Piper : Sometimes twice a day.

• Paige : Oh, gross. What are you guys watching? Is that some horror movie?

  Piper : No, it's The Joys of Home Birthing. Strangely I'm not feeling the joy.

• Piper : So why is Sir Lust-A-Lot after you?

  Paige : How should I know?

  Piper : Well, because it's your damn fairy tale and it's alive and frozen in our kitchen.

• Piper : Everyone's treating me so differently. I'm still me. There's just a whole lot more of me going on.

  [Paige walks into the attic] 

  Paige : Hey, guys. Oh, I'm sorry. Were you ranting?

  Piper : Yes, I was, but I'm done now. Thank you.

• Phoebe : I think I found the demon. Oh my god...

  Paige : What? You can't say "demons" followed by "oh my god" - I'm new at this, I'm likely to panic.

• Paige : Well, I was sort of messing around with Dave...

  Piper : Messing around?

  Paige : Yeah, having sex.

  Piper : Oh.

  Paige : See, that's why I don't want to talk to you about this. It's weird talking to a pregnant lady about sex anyway.

  Piper : Well, Paige, how do you think I got pregnant?

  Paige : Ugh, I don't want to know that either.

• Paige : I can understand wanting to take a break from guys but, come on... she's gonna run out the batteries.

  Piper : Aw, Paige.

  Paige : What?

  [Paige's cell phone rings] 

  Paige : Hello? Oh, hey, Phoebe. We were just talking about you.

  Piper : And your batteries.

• Phoebe : What's the celebration?

  Paige : I'm just so happy to be home, that's all.

  Piper : You wanted to move out.

  Paige : I did? God, no. Never. Well, I mean, you know, maybe when I'm married or pregnant or... hopefully both at the same time. We're sisters. We shouldn't split up until we absolutely have to. You know that, right?

  Piper : She's rambling.

  Phoebe : I hear that.

• Witch Doctor : It's only a matter of time before they destroy themselves.

  Paige : Talk about premature jubilation. You, gentlemen might want to see a doctor about that.

• Piper : Oh, you know what? She's getting angry. And our powers don't work so good when we're angry.

  Mitzy : We've got them now.

  Piper : Yeah, you've got us now so why don't you blow us up?

  Phoebe : Piper, death bad, life good.

  Paige : Don't worry, this bimbo couldn't hit the broadside of a beauty parlour. Check out that dye job.

  [the blonde sisters gasp] 

  Mabel : How dare you!

  [Mabel blows up the doors] 

  Piper : Run!

• Paige : Stop yelling at death!

• Paige : Well, you wanted to live like us. Now you get to die like us.

• Paige : [walks in on Phoebe standing naked, standing up in the bathtub]  Whoa... full frontal Phoebe!

  Cole : She flashed.

  Paige : Yeah... I - I got that.

  Cole : No, I mean she flashed black-and-white.

• [Piper's morning sickness is causing her to burp small orbs of white light] 

  Paige : [to Leo]  Okay, is that normal?

  Leo : All this arguing is probably just upsetting the baby.

  Piper : [indicating size with her hands]  Leo, the baby is an inch long. All this arguing is upsetting the mommy.

• Paige : We're preparing for the big home birth.

  Piper : Home birth? You're nuts. I'd never agree to that. I wouldn't give birth unless it was in...

  Paige : A hospital. Yeah, yeah, you keep saying the same thing in any reality.

• Piper : Where's my baby?

  Leo : Over here.

  [Leo stands up to reveal that he's now seven months pregnant] 

  Paige : Oh, my God.

  Piper : Oh, my God.

  [Leo sees Ryder trying to nuzzle his wife's neck] 

  Leo : Oh, my God!

  [Phoebe screams in the attic] 

  Slappy : Oh, that doesn't sound good.

• [upon meeting Grams for the first time] 

  Paige : No offense, but aren't you supposed to be dead?

  Grams : Oh, I'm over that.

• Phoebe : I was under a spell. Evil.

  Paige : Evil? You were blonde!

• Leo : Dammit!

  Paige : Are Elders even allowed to swear?

  Leo : No, but fathers are.

• Piper : Are you going to help or are you just going to ramble?

  Paige : I'm just going to ramble!

• Paige : Power. Power's good. I like power. Why do I like power?

• Leo : Because nobody knows where it is. Its location has been kept secret even from the Elders.

  Paige : Where was their infinite wisdom on the day that was decided?

• Paige : [speaking to Piper in an alternate reality]  And you, you're not La Femme Nikita, you're a Charmed One. Yeah, you don't mind kicking ass when you have to, but otherwise you'd rather be hanging out with your sisters, baking cookies, or knitting booties.

  Piper : Knitting booties? Clearly you don't know me at all.

• Paige : [about Cole]  I'm telling you, he's gone for good.

  Phoebe : Yeah... that's what we thought last time.

  Piper : And the time before that.

• Piper : I mean, why would a demon be interested in killing people's dreams? They're harmless, erotic fun.

  Paige : Did you say 'erotic'?

  Piper : Exotic. I said exotic.

• Paige : If you want to talk to Piper, she's in the room throwing up.

  Phoebe : What, is she sick?

  Paige : She's pregnant Phoebe, sickness is their way of life.

• Paige : Oh my goodness. I tongued a student.

• Drake Robin : The point is, Leo and Piper's love, it's epic, it's massive. It's Romeo and Juliet, Anthony and Cleopatra, Brad and Jennifer.

  Paige : All tragedies, I might add.

• Paige : Is there something that we don't know... that we should know... you know?

• Piper : You don't really seem like yourself.

  Paige : I don't? Then, who am I?

• Paige : What just happened?

  Piper : The freaking furniture just attacked us.

• Cole : [the Charmed ones are being inspired by a muse]  I think Leo should orb me down to the Underworld. I may not be a demon anymore, but I still know the terrain.

  Phoebe : And you may just find yourself in ever-lasting pain!

  Paige : ...That was a rhyme.

  Phoebe : I know; and now is not the time.

• Leo : You know, you're a pretty good whitelighter.

  Paige : Well, I learned from the best.

• Paige : Do you think you could shift the gears? My boobs are in the way.

• Piper : Wow, prenatal yoga this morning and now you want to crash a stranger's funeral? You really do need friends.

  Paige : You're mean.

• Paige : I can't believe I destroyed the house.

  Phoebe : What I can't believe is what you almost saw in the hotel room. If you had gotten there five minutes earlier...

  Piper : Lalala. Over sharing.

• Piper : Look, if there's anything I've learned from all this it's that I've got to learn to deal with messes. Especially with the baby coming, 'cause I hear they come with a lot of messes.

  Paige : I've heard some things about that, too. Yeah.

• Paige : How do you like my outfit?

  Piper : You look like you're not going to help clean up.

  Paige : You've got that right. I'm gonna go meet Glen. And besides, isn't everything just gonna get messed up again anyway?

  Piper : Bite your tongue.

• Paige : He met some bimbette while climbing the Matterhorn.

  Piper : At Disneyland?

  Paige : No, Switzerland.

• Leo : The spell, Piper, you need to reverse it. Fast.

  Piper : I'm not sure I can.

  Paige : Then you'd better make us disappear 'cause this one's gonna be tough to explain.

• Paige : Besides, everyone is odd in San Francisco. That's why we fit in so well.

• Paige : My sweater shrunk.

  Piper : Ah, come on. You've worn tighter things than that.

• Paige : [about Leo]  She's blown him up... literally?

  Phoebe : Yeah, but you know Piper, she didn't mean anything by it.

• [Paige has just been revived after eating Snow White's poison apple] 

  Paige : Can someone please tell me how I got in a coffin?

  Grams : You were dead, dear. But bright side, at least now we have something in common.

• Piper : Wow, you really know your stuff.

  Paige : Well, I learned from the best. I learned from you.

  Piper : Thank you, Whitney Houston. Do I sock you in the face now?

• Phoebe : [referring to Zankou who now has the Book of Shadows]  What do you think he wants?

  Paige : [laughs]  Our heads on a platter.

• Paige : [after getting stuck on the wall by a spider-demon]  Bug spray. We should've used bug spray.

• Paige : I like an element of danger.

• Paige : All of them had their eyes gouged out.

  Piper : Ew.

  Leo : Now the video doesn't seem so gruesome.

  Piper : Ha. Speak for yourself.

• Paige : So I basically come off as this big, dumb, fat, unemployed loser.

  Piper : No, Paige, you're a big, dumb, fat, unemployed loser who saves the world.

• Paige : Well guys, we better come up with a plan, because Lord Dyson is out there, getting stronger as we speak.

  Phoebe : Thanks to Piper...

  Piper : ALLRIGHT!

• [Witch doctor appears dressed in a suit] 

  Witch Doctor : How may I be of service?

  Paige : Are you a witch doctor?

  Witch Doctor : Let me guess. You were expecting someone with a bone through the nose and shrunken head necklace, perhaps?

  Phoebe : Yeah, actually. Yeah. Yeah.

  [Paige nods in agreement] 

• Leo : Where's Melody?

  Paige : Oh, she's gone.

  Leo : Gone, as in she left?

  Piper : Gone as in she got sucked in to a big red ring by a warlock named what was it?

• Head Dwarf : You know, you really ought to get yourself a prince, in case this ever happens again.

  Paige : Uh, who are you?

  Head Dwarf : We'll send you the bill. Let's go, men!

  Dwarf : Come on, guys, let's go.

• Paige : You call that a rah, rah speech? You are supposed to be cheering her up, not pushing her off the edge!

• Paige : We are not slobs.

  Piper : Oh, really? How come I spent all night cleaning potion stains off of the ceiling?

  Paige : That's gazpacho, not potion.

  Piper : Well, you know what? Blenders have lids.

• Paige : Oh, the Elders don't know anything. What a shock.

• Paige : So how exactly do I bless this thing?

  Phoebe : With your blood. Come on.

  [takes Paige into the dining room and holds up a needle] 

  Phoebe : This'll just hurt a little.

• Paige : They're dicks.

  Kyle Brody : [chuckles]  Dicks.

  Paige : No, like private eyes. Detectives. Don't you see? They wrote themselves in as the heroes of their own books. Like Sam Spade or Philip Marlowe.

• Paige : Call me butter, 'cause I'm on a roll.

• Paige : [about the Sandman]  I can't believe that they exist... not that I should be surprised.