The Tom Green Show (1999– )

Tom Green: Self, Self - Host

Quotes 

• Tom Green : [strumming his guitar singing]  Pierce is gorgeous. Pierce is a gorgeous man. Pierce is gorgeous, he's a gorgeous man.

  Pierce Brosnan : [Pierce is looking spooked and waves his hands and a knife, gesturing to Tom to speed up his song]  Hurry up!

  Tom Green : [singing and strumming]  I used to watch Remington Steele and I was mad at the end when he never got the credit for solving the crime, when he obviously solved the crime every time and he never got the credit. He never got the credit in the end.

  [Pierce is looking stunned] 

  Tom Green : [singing and strumming]  In the 80's, he did a movie about nuclear meltdowns. There was a bomb or something in the middle of the city.

  [to Pierce] 

  Tom Green : Remember that one? What was it called?

  Pierce Brosnan : Let 'er rip Tom, Let 'er rip.

  Tom Green : [singing and strumming]  Pierce is a gorgeous man, Pierce is a gorgeous man.

  Pierce Brosnan : I'm getting worried now, getting really worried.

  [Tom gets closer to Pierce and kisses him] 

  Tom Green : Pierce!, thank you!

  [Tom and Pierce shake hands] 

  Pierce Brosnan : Thank you so much Thomas, you poor boy, you poor boy you. Don't give up your day job!

• Tom Green : Glenn Humplik gives me the porns. You see, Glenn has a cable descrambler box and basically he rips off the cable companies and I mentioned I was going to tell everybody that.

  [Glenn has a nervous look on his face after Tom's revelation] 

  Tom Green : Basically he steals from the cable company and he pays this guy $200 and he gets all the porn channels and he makes porns for me. He makes porns so I can masturbate.

  [Tom puts the tapes away and points at Glenn] 

  Tom Green : You see Glenn has a girlfriend, so he has to masturbate back stage before the show, but when he's at home, he gets sex whenever he wants.

  Tom Green : [looks at Glenn and starts doing weird noises and gestures simulating sex]  Come on Catherine, it's a time for a little sex!

  Glenn Humplik : [embarrassed]  That's not how it works.

  Tom Green : [continues the lewd gestures]  Come on Catherine, I'm home!

  Glenn Humplik : No, no, no!, not how it works!

  Tom Green : [mocking Glenn]  Catherine, I'm home!

  [Tom begins dry-humping Glenn] 

  Glenn Humplik : [clearly embarrassed]  No!

  Tom Green : Yeah! So you know, all the enjoyment you've given me by giving me the porns

  Glenn Humplik : Hey, I'm a friend helping out a friend.

  Tom Green : Since you've given me the porns over the years, I figured I would give you a little something in return.

  [Tom pulls out a container of cream and starts slathering Glenn with it] 

  Tom Green : It's just some cream that came from my body! Some cream that came from my body!

  [Tom dumps the bucket on Glenn before putting it on his own head] 

  Tom Green : It's some cream, it's some cream from my body!

  [Tom is dry humping Glenn, before taking the bucket off his head when he quits] 

• Tom Green : Do you like get poo all over Phil's penis?

  Kim Rogers : It might have happened once or twice.

  Tom Green : Phil?

  Phil Giroux : Well she's gotta wash her hands, so I gotta wash my hands all the time. I wash my hands 20 times a day.

• Tom Green : [surprised]  Cheese sandwiches? Who the hell eats cheese sandwiches anymore?