The King of Queens (1998–2007)
Kevin James: Doug Heffernan, Ed, Jr.
Photos
Quotes
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[Doug and Carrie are arguing about their parents]
Carrie Spooner Heffernan : Don't you bring my father into this!
Doug Heffernan : He's out of his mind! He cancelled our cable, because the cable company wouldn't pay him each time they ran the movie "Arthur"!
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[Doug answers the phone]
Doug Heffernan : Hello... Mhm?... Oh, hold on a second, let me get him... Arthur! Phone!
Arthur Spooner : Who is it?
Doug Heffernan : It's Louis Di Robertis from some law firm.
Arthur Spooner : Tell him to drop dead!
Doug Heffernan : Okay, I am not going to tell him to drop dead.
Arthur Spooner : Then tell him to go to hell!
Doug Heffernan : Not telling him that either.
Arthur Spooner : Then you go to hell!
Doug Heffernan : You go to hell!
Arthur Spooner : Drop dead!
[Doug lifts up the phone]
Doug Heffernan : Sorry, wrong number.
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[Arthur has put dirty dishes in the cupboard]
Doug Heffernan : No big deal. We'll just reload the dishwasher and wash 'em. Okay, which of these did you already put away?
Arthur Spooner : Let's see, I definitely remember putting away a blue bowl with big white and yellow sunflowers on it.
Doug Heffernan : Okay, we don't own anything close to that.
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Ray Barone : What you got going on here? Log of salami, chips and cheese. I guess you're not buying in to this whole cholesterol thing, huh?
Doug Heffernan : I buy in to it, I just wanna see how high I can get the numbers.
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Doug Heffernan : Friends just keep you away from TV.
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Doug Heffernan : Son of a mother!
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Doug Heffernan : My name might as well be Fatty McButterpants.
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Doug Heffernan : No longer being Mastercard's bitch? Priceless!
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[Doug and Deacon are locked in a refrigerated truck with penguins]
Doug Heffernan : "Warning: Please retain key as refrigerated trucks are not equipped with interior door handles". Mother of ass!
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[repeated line]
Doug Heffernan : Shutie!
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Arthur Spooner : What's going on?
Doug Heffernan : It's Carrie. The weirdest thing, every time we get together with our friends to play board games, she cheats.
Arthur Spooner : She cheats? That little girl? That's impossible.
Doug Heffernan : Arthur, I've seen her do it.
Arthur Spooner : No, no. She may put some cotton in her bra from time to time, but she does not cheat at board games!
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Doug Heffernan : I'm going to come up with something so romantic and heartfelt it's gonna make you feel like a piece of crap! A piece of crap!
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[Doug is watching Gilligan's Island]
Doug Heffernan : Oh my god. I'm fatter than the Skipper.
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[Doug, Deacon and Arthur are going to babysit Major and spend some time together]
Kelly Palmer : Okay, honey you are all set. Here is your "see and say"... Here is pinkys, whites, towels, diapers and buttcream.
Arthur Spooner : Buttcream?, where is this day headin'?
[Arthur looks at Doug]
Doug Heffernan : Yeah, You wish!
Arthur Spooner : Like I waste a wish on that, huh?
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Carrie Spooner Heffernan : Hasn't anyone said you look like someone?
Doug Heffernan : Oh, you mean like every famous fat guy in every movie ever?
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Doug Heffernan : All right, I'm glad you're all gathered here. Because you're about to hear the story of a driver, a swollen ankle, and get this, an iguana.
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Arthur Spooner : It seems to have reached optimal temperature. Now hit me with a load of Dougie batter.
Doug Heffernan : Let's see how the waffles go and see what happens.
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[Arthur is moving up to sleep in the room next to Carrie and Doug's bedroom]
Arthur Spooner : Well, hello there, neighbour!
Doug Heffernan : Hello. Why did he call me neighbour?
Carrie Spooner Heffernan : I'm moving him up here tonight, the basement was freezing.
Doug Heffernan : How freezing?
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Deacon Palmer : Douglas S. Heffernan... whats your second name?
Doug Heffernan : Steven. And yours?
Deacon Palmer : John.
