That '70s Show (1998–2006)
Ashton Kutcher: Michael Kelso
Photos
Quotes
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Jackie Burkhardt : Well, I have a date too.
Michael Kelso : Who is he? What's his name?
Jackie Burkhardt : His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every single conceivable way.
Michael Kelso : DAMN, JACKIE. THAT COULD BE ANYBODY.
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[Donna and Kelso are hiding under a bed]
Donna Pinciotti : Is that your hand on my ass?
Michael Kelso : It was an accident.
Donna Pinciotti : Kelso, your hand's still on my ass.
Michael Kelso : IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT.
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[Repeated Line]
Michael Kelso : BURN!
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Steven Hyde : Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
Michael Kelso : I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.
[everyone looks at him]
Michael Kelso : Naked! That's the way God intended.
Jackie Burkhardt : No way.
Michael Kelso : Why not? It'd be fun.
Donna Pinciotti : Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.
Eric : So, you don't want to do it?
Donna Pinciotti : Well... I don't care. I'll do it.
Eric : You... Okay, I'm in.
Fez : Naked is dirty.
[singing]
Fez : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
All : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
Jackie Burkhardt : [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!
Steven Hyde : By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
Fez : Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
All : No!
Eric : Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.
Steven Hyde : We can go to my house.
Michael Kelso : Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.
Steven Hyde : She's not even home, you moron!
[Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]
Fez : Put on the top forty.
[Fez reaches over for the radio]
Steven Hyde : Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!
Fez : Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Steven Hyde : I don't know. Tuck it in!
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Michael Kelso : I miss Eric.
Jackie Burkhardt : Well, you still have me.
Michael Kelso : It's not the same, Jackie. I can talk to Eric about things that I can't talk about with you.
Jackie Burkhardt : Okay, well like what?
Michael Kelso : Well, for instance, the annoying things you do.
Jackie Burkhardt : Michael.
Michael Kelso : See, I can't talk to you.
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Donna Pinciotti : [on the California beach] I miss Eric. That guy even looks like Eric.
[Double take]
Donna Pinciotti : Eric? Oh my God, Eric!
Eric : [Looking around Kelso's van, he turns sharp at Donna's voice] Donna!
[They run to each other in slow motion, Kelso tries to run along side Donna, but Donna pushes him down; they stop short of each other, just staring deeply into each other's eyes for a long moment and then... Kelso tackles Donna, wrestling her to the ground. Incredulous]
Eric : Kelso, what the Hell are you doing?
Michael Kelso : Winning!
[Donna gets free, stands up and kicks Kelso in the side, then returns to looking at Eric]
Donna Pinciotti : Eric... I can't believe you came for me.
Eric : Of course I did. Donna... Donna I love you. And I... I...
[he can't find the words]
Donna Pinciotti : [Steps forward and kisses him passionately]
Michael Kelso : You guys can smooch all you want, I totally won!
[walks off]
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Michael Kelso : Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!
Steven Hyde : Anyone with a quarter?
Michael Kelso : Me!
Fez : Damn, and I had a quarter!
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Michael Kelso : [wearing Eric's pants] Well, the joke's on you, Eric. I'm wearing your pants, and I'm not wearing any underwear.
Eric : Kelso, the last time I wore those pants, I wasn't wearing any underwear.
Michael Kelso : [pulling off pants] Well played.
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[the guys are high in Eric's basement]
Steven Hyde : I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man.
Michael Kelso : I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about.
Eric : Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it.
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Red Forman : What are you doing here?
Michael Kelso : The explanation is in the note.
Red Forman : [reading the note] Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents.
[Kitty laughs hysterically, and leaves the room]
Red Forman : Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks.
[Gives Kelso the money]
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Donna Pinciotti : You have the van. We want to go home.
Michael Kelso : Na-ah! I can't leave Annette. I love her.
Eric : No, you don't.
Michael Kelso : I love parts of her.
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Michael Kelso : I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna Pinciotti : Um, that's not how evolution works.
Michael Kelso : Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Steven Hyde : Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.
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Jackie Burkhardt : You're coming over to my house tonight. And we're gonna... "study".
Michael Kelso : Come on. I never get to do anything fun.
Steven Hyde : God, you're dumb.
Michael Kelso : Well I guess that's why I gotta go "STUDY".
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Kelso : You have the right to remain BURNED!
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Eric : Kelso, I don't know if you should come over to dinner tonight.
Michael Kelso : Look, I know you think it's gonna be uncomfortable because I'm dating Laurie. But, look, Red loves Laurie, and Laurie loves me. Red has to like me. I mean, what kind of father doesn't love the guy who's nailing his daughter.
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Michael Kelso : C'mon Eric, we never ask you for anything.
Eric : You guys ask me for everything.
Michael Kelso : So, what's one more thing?
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Michael Kelso : [shouts] Ooooh! Burn! That's a burn about a burn! That's a 2nd degree burn!
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Michael Kelso : Fez, the foundation of a good relationship is three little words: I don't know. What're you doing? I don't know. What're you thinking about? I don't know. Who's that under you? I don't know.
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Donna Pinciotti : Do you think Eric could cheat on me with Shelley?
Michael Kelso : Donna, Shelley's a tramp. No guy could ever turn down a tramp.
Donna Pinciotti : Oh, my god. Is that true?
Steven Hyde : I don't know. Let's find out. Laurie, have you ever been turned down?
Laurie Forman : No.
Steven Hyde : See?
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Michael Kelso : Why would you just cuddle with her when you could do it? I mean, Forman, doing it is "it." That's why they call it "it." IT.
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Kelso : Guys - I just saw a UFO!
Steven Hyde : What an unbelievable coincidence! I was just telling Fez about how dumb you are!
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Steven Hyde : [drawing a correlation with Kelso thinking he saw a UFO] Kelso, do you remember that time you thought you saw the abominable snowman?
Kelso : Yeah...
Steven Hyde : And what did it turn out to be?
Kelso : [not getting Hyde's point] Just a regular snowman...
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Michael Kelso : Hello, sir. My name is Michael Kelso. I am about to do things of a sexual nature with your daughter. And although she does these things - with everybody - I now have a newfound respect for women, seeing as I have a daughter myself. Out of wedlock. Don't worry, I'm no longer with the mother. I just came by to seek out your blessing, so I may continue to pleasure your daughter again and again. Thank you for your time.
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Michael Kelso : The truth is out there, man, it's out there.
Fez : No more for you.
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Michael Kelso : Guys, I was making out with Pam Macy in the orchestra pit. And... the worst thing that could happen to a guy happened.
Fez : Ohhhh. Mr. Cooper came in to wash the floors?
Michael Kelso : No.
Steven Hyde : Fez, I think what Kelso meant to say was... the rabbit wouldn't come out of his hat.
Eric : The weasel wouldn't pop out.
Michael Kelso : OK, ENOUGH.
Eric : Oh, wait. There's a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.
Steven Hyde : That's a good one Forman.
Eric : I know, it just came to me.
Fez : Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants.
Michael Kelso : This can't be happening to me.
Fez : Oh, don't worry Kelso. I'm really sorry... SORRY YOU'RE NOT A MAN.
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Michael Kelso : Hey guys, guess what I got?
Steven Hyde : VD?
Michael Kelso : No. A hundred bucks.
Eric : So money to treat your VD.
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[Kelso just found out about Eric being lame in the sack]
Jackie Burkhardt : Michael, I told you about Eric so you could help him, not make fun of him.
Michael Kelso : Yeah, but it's hard to help someone and burn him at the same time.
[Jackie gives him a cold stare]
Michael Kelso : Oh, come on, Jackie, it's funny! I mean, he must have been really bad!
Jackie Burkhardt : So were you.
Michael Kelso : [gaping in horror] OK, I don't think you know what you're saying because you called me your "Apollo Rocket of Love."
Jackie Burkhardt : But the way I said it was
[blandly]
Jackie Burkhardt : "Oh, Michael, you my regular Apollo Rocket of Love."
Michael Kelso : OK, I'm not hearing a difference.
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Michael Kelso : Laurie... yeah, me and her really had something, huh?
Steven Hyde : Yeah, ointment took care of that though, right?
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Eric : Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower.
Fez : This is the proudest moment of my life.
Steven Hyde : It doesn't look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger.
Michael Kelso : Well it doesn't have to look perfect Hyde, it's art.
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Kelso : Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.
Donna : How are you gonna do that?
Michael Kelso : By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.
Eric : So what are you gonna say?
Michael Kelso : Oh, it'll come to me in the moment.
Donna : Don't you think you should plan it out a little?
Michael Kelso : Does an astronaut plan out his missions?
Fez : What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded?
Michael Kelso : Oh, you just wait and see.
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Jackie Burkhardt : Oh Michael, you're prettier than Bowie.
Michael Kelso : I'm prettier than you.
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Red Forman : Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein.
Eric : [sarcastically] Gee, thank you daddy.
Michael Kelso : "Thank you"? Einstein was ugly.
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Michael Kelso : What does he have that I don't? I mean, I have the three things women want: I'm hot and I'm smart.
Donna Pinciotti : That's two things you moron.
Michael Kelso : Nuh-uh, hot counts twice.
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[after Hyde makes a batch of special brownies]
Michael Kelso : One day, I'm gonna open a restaurant, and everything on the menu is gonna be special. So, when somebody comes in and says "Hey, Kelso, what's special on the menu?", I can say "Everything."
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Michael Kelso : I wish there was a way I could give Jackie a thing. That wasn't actually the ring. You know? Like a, a test gift just to see what she would say, and if it went bad I could just walk away... Hey, am I talking in rhyme? I wish I could do that all the time.
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[Kelso is clumsy with a gun]
Donna Pinciotti : Kelso, careful with that.
Michael Kelso : Don't worry, guns don't just go off by accident.
Donna Pinciotti : What about Eric's hamster in fourth grade?
Eric : Oh, no, my hamster went upstate to live with a new family upstate. Right?
[Nobody says anything]
Eric : Oh, my god. You killed my hamster.
Michael Kelso : It wasn't my fault. The gun went off by accident.
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Michael Kelso : Look, Jackie, I don't really know how to say this but... I don't want your stupid stuffed animals in my van.
[Jackie gasps and exits]
Michael Kelso : No, wait, Jackie! I didn't say *you're* stupid. Just all the stuff you like!
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Jackie Burkhardt : [on the phone] So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right? But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore, so he drinks and drinks and crashes his car. Isn't that romantic?
Fez : [besides Kelso on the phone, Fez is on the phone, and he's telling Kelso what to say] Say, "Yes, it is."
Michael Kelso : [Fez puts the phone by his ear] Yes it is.
Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, I just love romantic movies, don't you?
Fez : [to Kelso] "Yes, I do."
Michael Kelso : [phone by his ear] Yes, I do.
Jackie Burkhardt : You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had a reservoir when we went skinny-dipping. Remember?
Fez : [to Kelso] "No, describe it to me."
Michael Kelso : [phone by ear] No, describe it to me.
Jackie Burkhardt : Michael, you're so bad. Okay, the water was really cold, so when I dove in, well you know.
Fez : No, I don't know.
Jackie Burkhardt : MICHAEL!
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Eric : [they're driving Kelso's cousin's car] Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?
Michael Kelso : Maybe he's, like, religious.
Steven Hyde : Didn't Sully get imprisoned for arson?
Michael Kelso : Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God too, Hyde.
Steven Hyde : Why does his key-chain say "I Love Bingo"?
Fez : Sully must love bingo.
Eric : All right. I'm starting to think this isn't Sully's car.
Michael Kelso : Then who's car is it?
[police siren wails]
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Suzy Simpson : [on Fez coming on a "date" between her and Kelso] Michael, I thought it was going to be you, me, and a box of hot lead.
Michael Kelso : Well, now it's even better because it's you, me, and a box of hot Fez.
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Michael Kelso : Cartoons make me horny. Oh and food.
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Michael Kelso : If you really do love her, there's only one thing to do, man. You gotta dump her and live free.
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Michael Kelso : I'm not shallow. I just judge women on their looks.
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Michael Kelso : If this van's a-rockin'... we're in there doing it.
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[while being questioned by Canadian police]
Michael Kelso : If you call ham "Canadian bacon", what do you call bacon?
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Michael Kelso : Girls must really like astronauts, 'cause it says here they get all the tang they want.
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Michael Kelso : Look, she's beautiful, she believes in me, and if I can get her to put out, it's 3 out of 3. Right now, it's 2 out of 3, and I'm sorry but 50% ain't gonna cut it.
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Red Forman : This is a smoke detector.
Michael Kelso : Does that detect any type of smoke?
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[Kelso just told Jackie a list of embarrassing things he's done in his life, in an effort to be honest]
Michael Kelso : Oh, and that time we were about to fool around, and you asked me if I washed my hands, I had just actually finished playing with six dogs. Oh, but that's not nearly as bad as the time...
Jackie Burkhardt : OK, Michael. Enough. You know when I talked to you about honesty? Let's talk about SELECTIVE honesty.
Fez : And basic hygiene.
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[Michael on Eric]
Michael Kelso : How dumb was he to give me the car keys? I mean, who in here trusts me?
Fez : Not me.
Jackie Burkhardt : Not me.
Steven Hyde : Not me, man.
Michael Kelso : Thank you.
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Michael Kelso : It turns out, the key to winning Jackie's heart was in the last place I thought to look - my own brain.
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Michael Kelso : Yeah, Hyde's in jail. Hey guys, do you think that he's anyone's girlfriend yet?
Fez : Kelso, he's been in there for three hours. Of COURSE he's someone's girlfriend.
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Randy Pearson : [to Hyde, about Kelso] Your friend here might be pretty enough to pass off as Cher.
Michael Kelso : Yeah. That's not a bad idea, Andy Gibb!
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Michael Kelso : That team is cheating. The brown guy is a robot.
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Kitty Forman : [to Michael] What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?
Michael Kelso : Yes, I was. And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it.
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Michael Kelso : If this is about maturity, I want nothing to do with it.
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Michael Kelso : A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off.
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Michael Kelso : Jackie and I are back together.
Laurie Forman : I understand. But, do you want to see my appendix scar?
Michael Kelso : Once again... WHAT'S-HER-NAME AND I ARE BACK TOGETHER.
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Michael Kelso : What fun is it in being a girlfriend if you don't even have your own boobs to play with?
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Michael Kelso : Don't freak out, but if I see a deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna shoot him.
Red Forman : Kelso, you fire that gun in this car, and I will pull over and kick your ass for an hour.
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Michael Kelso : [Kelso comes into the basement wearing a pair of goggles] Try hurting my eye now!
[Hyde kicks him in the shin]
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Steven Hyde : Hold on, Kelso. Suddenly, you're too mature to go cruising for chicks with us, and you're going to the mall with Jackie?
Michael Kelso : Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, I've come to realize that Jackie is the only girl I want to be with.
Eric : Today?
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Steven Hyde : [about Kelso's shirt being in Laurie's room] Say, how'd THAT get there?
Michael Kelso : [trying to cover his affair with Laurie] That's funny. No - This isn't even mine! Yeah, this must be ERIC'S shirt.
Jackie Burkhardt : Your mom sewed your name in it, Michael.
Michael Kelso : Man, Eric's going to be pissed, huh? Yeah, 'cause I borrowed Eric's shirt 'cause mine wasn't working right. And then my mom must've sewed my name in it.
Jackie Burkhardt : Hum, I don't know, Michael...
Michael Kelso : Jackie, if I were lying I'd come up with a lot better lie than that.
Steven Hyde : Yeah, you'd think so.
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Michael Kelso : Here, let me get that. Pregnant women should never stand on their tippy-toes, or else the baby will come out all cross-eyed.
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Kelso's Date : [Looking at photos of Kelso's newborn daughter] Wow, she's even cuter than you.
Michael Kelso : Yeah, she wishes.
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Michael Kelso : It's a girl!
[takes out pictures]
Michael Kelso : Here, look.
Donna Pinciotti : Aw, she's adorable! What's her name?
Michael Kelso : Betsy.
Jackie Burkhardt : [gasps in horror] A fat girl's name!
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Michael Kelso : [Michael arrives at the door to pick up Laurie for a date] Hello, Mrs. Forman. I'm here to pick up your daughter for our date.
Steven Hyde : Man, you're dating Laurie?... That's not "going where no man has gone before"; that's going where *every* man has gone before.
Kitty Forman : Steven, it's not nice to be so... truthful.
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Michael Kelso : I've heard of 'kissing cousins', but have you ever heard of 'doin' it' cousins?
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Michael Kelso : Your soul is like an appendix. I don't even use mine.
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[Jackie and Donna need something that's in Kelso's room, so they sneak in at night]
Michael Kelso : [wakes up] Jackie? Donna?
[Jackie and Donna freeze]
Michael Kelso : Is this a dream?
Jackie Burkhardt : Uhh, yeah, Michael. This is a dream.
Michael Kelso : Are we gonna do it?
Jackie Burkhardt : Uhh, yes, Michael. We're gonna do it.
Michael Kelso : Ok. Donna first.
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Michael Kelso : [Reading off a small box] A UNICEF contribution of thirteen cents will feed a child for a month. Man, living in Africa must be great. Everything's so cheap.
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Michael Kelso : Hey Laurie, long time, no doin' it.
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Steven Hyde : Look man, I gotta talk to you about some things that happened while you were gone this summer.
Michael Kelso : Hyde, if this isn't about free ice cream, naked volleyball or a dog wearing a hat and sunglasses, I'd rather not know.
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[Kelso brought Fez to the Piggly Wiggly to meet attractive, older women]
Kitty Forman : How could you bring Fez to the Piggly Wiggly? There's a lot of footloose women in there. Do you know Joyce Ferguson?
Michael Kelso : No. That's a lie.
Kitty Forman : What?
Michael Kelso : [nervously] What?
Kitty Forman : What?
Michael Kelso : [nervously] What?
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Steven Hyde : Would you shut up about that lame ass story?
Michael Kelso : Well, it's the truth and I'll prove it. Let's go ask Fez.
Steven Hyde : Fine.
Michael Kelso : You drive, my van's in the shop.
Steven Hyde : Fine. I need gas though.
Michael Kelso : Fine. Can I borrow money for fries?
Steven Hyde : No.
Michael Kelso : Fine. Shotgun.
Steven Hyde : There's only two of us you moron.
Michael Kelso : Fine.
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Steven Hyde : Forman's first suspension... I'm so proud.
Michael Kelso : Whoa, back up. Why'd he get suspended?
Donna Pinciotti : Because he's stupid.
Michael Kelso : [terrified] They can do that?
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Kelso : You know what your problem is? I'm just too good looking.
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Michael Kelso : I miss Jackie, I can't eat, I can't sleep, well i can eat but...
[begins to cry]
Fez : [stares at kelso]
Steven Hyde : [stares at kelso]
Eric : [stares at kelso] Hey, what did we say, no crying in the circle
Michael Kelso : I can't help it.
Michael Kelso : I need to tell her i didnt mean to cheat on her and that im sorry. I know, I'll write her a song
Michael Kelso : [begins to play ukelae, really badly while singing]
Steven Hyde : Hey I kno how you can start it.
[begins to sing]
Steven Hyde : You don't love me anymore, caught me cheatin' with a whore. See cuz Laurie's the whore
Eric : My sister is such a whore
[begins to giggle]
Michael Kelso : [glares at hyde]
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Kitty Forman : [after throwing away Kelso's electronic football game] What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?
Kelso : Yes! And until now, everyone else had the good grace not to mention it!
[shoves his head in his pillow, reminiscent of a five-year-old]
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[Eric wants to propose to Donna]
Michael Kelso : Forman, I'm saying this to you, as a friend who likes to see you get hurt. Don't do it.
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Michael Kelso : Jackie, when you told me to be honest, I decided that I'm gonna be completely honest. I'm going to tell you the truth about everything I've ever lied to you about. I have a list that Hyde helped me put together. Thanks again, Hyde.
Steven Hyde : [grinning] No problem, buddy.
Jackie Burkhardt : Ok, but, why are they here?
Michael Kelso : Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out, that it's not completely honest, unless your friends are allowed to watch.
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Steven Hyde : Look, Forman, if you give Donna that ring, she'll see the girl inside of you. And, you don't want to wake Erica up.
Michael Kelso : Yeah, Erica. That's classic. I'm lucky. You can't make a girl name out of Michael.
Steven Hyde : Oh, really, Michelle?
Michael Kelso : Damn it. I forgot about Michelle. But, you know what, Forman? You should get Donna that promise ring. I'm gonna give one to Jackie too.
Eric : Thank you, Kelso. Let's go get them, right now.
[Eric and Kelso start leaving]
Eric : See you later... Damn it. What's a girl name for Hyde?
[Eric and Kelso start thinking]
Steven Hyde : It's Heidi, you morons.
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[Kelso invited Hyde and Fez to Jackie's party behind her back]
Jackie Burkhardt : Hyde? Fez?... MICHAEL.
Michael Kelso : Oh good, it's Hyde, Fez, and Michael.
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Michael Kelso : I ate a piece of gum off a parking meter once. It was on a dare. I made a dollar. Man, there are some suckers out there.
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Michael Kelso : We just saw college butt... ON A GIRL.
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Donna Pinciotti : So, how many things around here have you put your butt on?
Michael Kelso : Let's start with what I haven't put my butt on.
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Fez : We've been here for like 2 hours, and we've only moved like two feet.
Michael Kelso : If you think the lines at the DMV are long, you should see the free clinic. Now there's a wait.
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Red Forman : [looking in bag of pot] Is this what I think it is?
Michael Kelso : If you mean paprika, then yes, sir!
Kitty Forman : Honey, paprika is red.
Michael Kelso : If you mean green paprika, then yes, sir!
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Red Forman : Eric, if your mother wants you and Archie and Jughead to help her, then you'll help her.
Michael Kelso : [to Steven] You're Jughead.
Steven Hyde : You're so Jughead, its not even debatable.
Michael Kelso : You are so...
[Steven punches Michael]
Red Forman : Steven, stop hitting Jughead.
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Kelso : So! Jackie. You wanna go see Star Wars tonight?
Jackie Burkhardt : God, Michael, I told you. I don't like space.
Kelso : Jackie, if we're gonna start our relationship over, you gotta meet me halfway, honey!
Jackie Burkhardt : Well, maybe I wanna do something else tonight.
Kelso : Like what?
[He stares at her until realization sinks in]
Kelso : God, Jackie! We can do that for the rest of our lives! Star Wars is a limited engagement!
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Michael Kelso : Laurie, what's going on? You're acting like you're liking me, and that's weird.
Laurie Forman : Like I told you, Kelso. I'm bored.
Michael Kelso : Well, that's very flattering.
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Ms. McGee : Good night. I apologize if my being here upset you.
Kitty Forman : I just feel that you being seen out with a student, it's just bad principle.
Michael Kelso : Oh, he doesn't care. He's dating a cheerleader.
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Michael Kelso : So Jackie, do you wanna go see 'Star Wars' tonight?
Jackie Burkhardt : Now Michael, I told you. I don't like space.
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Jackie Burkhardt : [points to Rhonda] Michael, why am I not in the loop? Why is she in the loop?
Michael Kelso : Uhh... Jackie, I don't know what loop it is you're talking about. But, if she's in it, I don't think there's any room for you.
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Jackie Burkhardt : Michael, how come she has a key and I don't have one?
Michael Kelso : Well... Uhh... It's not because nobody wants you to have one. That's for sure.
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Steven Hyde : So, Bud, can we have a keg party here?
Bud Hyde : Yeah... sure. I'm cool with it. That's me... cool dad...
Michael Kelso : Yeah. Bud's the coolest.
[high-fives Bud]
Eric : Yeah, Bud.
[high-fives Bud]
Eric : Would you be my dad?
[both laugh]
Eric : No, really.
[both laugh]
Eric : No, I'm serious.
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[At a bowling alley]
Michael Kelso : [picks up two bowling balls] Hey, guys, I got 10 pound balls.
[everybody laughs]
Fez : [picks up two balls] Hey, guys, my balls have holes in them.
[everybody stares at Fez]
Fez : Now why was that not funny?
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Michael Kelso : Hey, guys, look! I have ten pound balls! That never gets old.
Fez : Hey, guys! My balls are black and blue!
Eric : Good one!
Steven Hyde : Niiice!
Michael Kelso : Funny.
Fez : Wow. My balls are finally funny!
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Michael Kelso : A GOOD girlfriend accepts her guy no matter what. Now, Jackie was always trying to change me.
[Imitating Jackie]
Michael Kelso : Grow up, Michael! Act your age, Michael! Stop shooting grandma with the water pistol, Michael!
Jackie Burkhardt : She's 92, Michael.
Michael Kelso : She had JAM on her FACE!
-
Michael Kelso : [the gang is trying to eavesdrop on the parents' conversation reacting to Donna and Eric's engagement] Hey, I'll go spy on them, I just gotta run home real quick and change into my ninja outfit.
Eric : I don't think this situation calls for camouflage, Kelso.
Michael Kelso : Well, it doesn't mean it's not fun to wear, ERIC!
-
Michael Kelso : [to Fez, who has been prejudiced against] Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are gonna judge you on the color of your skin or your funny accent or that girly little way you run. But you know what? You're not alone. Why do you think the martians won't land here? 'Cause they're green, and they know people are gonna make fun of them!
-
Steven Hyde : Yeah, I'm going to go... bird watching with my girlfriend.
Michael Kelso : Yeah, me and Jackie are going to go "BIRDWATCHING", too.
[laughs and points at Red and Kitty]
Michael Kelso : It's cool 'cause they don't know what we're talking about.
[Red and Kitty stare at him]
Steven Hyde : I think they cracked it.
-
[about an attractive new cashier at Price Mart]
Steven Hyde : Forman, you have a responsibility to all of us. You have to find out what's under that smock.
Michael Kelso : I bet it's boobs.
-
[There's a live firecracker, and they have to get it]
Michael Kelso : Ok, Forman, you go get it.
Eric : Why me?
Michael Kelso : Because you're the skinniest one here. If anything blows up, you're the least likely get stuff fly at you.
Eric : Yeah... But if you go it would be better. I mean, who would be surprised if you blew yourself up?
Michael Kelso : Good point...
-
Eric : Everything costs money. Gas. Food. Parties. Fun.
Michael Kelso : Dates. Dates cost money.
Fez : No, Kelso, that is prostitution.
Steven Hyde : No, Fez, dating IS prostitution. Only, you don't always get what you paid for.
-
Michael Kelso : You're engaged?
Eric : No.
Steven Hyde : How could you give her that ring? You're in High School, and according to the SATs, that's about as far as you're gonna go.
-
Michael Kelso : Well, if being smart isn't gonna help me impress the chicks, then I want no part of it.
-
Michael Kelso : There are a lot of other hot older women out there besides Midge. And they deserve our respect.
Fez : Yes, I would love to make love to an 80-year old. They must know everything. Not just about sex, but history and trivia, too.
-
Red Forman : What's going on?
Michael Kelso : Nothing. Just a classic case of Hand-Stuck-In-Vase.
Red Forman : Well, if you don't get your hand out of there, you're gonna have a classic case of Foot-Stuck-In-Ass.
-
Michael Kelso : The only thing better than eatin' lobster is eatin' lobster and haulin' ass.
-
Michael Kelso : [reading] Here's something that I did not know... they number every page.
-
[Hyde is trying to pull a vase off Kelso's hand]
Steven Hyde : Hey, this vase smells like chocolate.
Michael Kelso : Really?
[smells the vase and Hyde shoves it in his face]
Michael Kelso : Ow. STOP DOING THAT.
Steven Hyde : GET SMARTER.
-
[Everybody's playing "Horse" in the driveway. Kelso throws and misses]
Michael Kelso : Damn.
Steven Hyde : Oh. Kelso misses another one. I believe it's already H-O-R.
Fez : That's right. You are a whore.
-
Michael Kelso : You know what? All this talk about havin' fun makes me wanna have fun. Hey. Let's throw stuff at other stuff.
-
Michael Kelso : Yeah, I guess it was wrong, what I did with Laurie, but I was just amusin' myself, you know? And that's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself.
Fez : ...unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off.
-
[about Star Wars]
Michael Kelso : There's no way it's better than Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.
-
[Kelso just got bossed around by his new girlfriend]
Michael Kelso : Man, it's great to be under somebody's thumb again.
[pause]
Fez : What did your mother do to you?
-
Eric : Ok, I know it. She told you about "Dr. PeePee". Fine, you got it. I couldn't sleep on the top bunk and I was 10. Fine, I'm "Dr. PeePee".
[Everybody stares for a while, then they start laughing]
Michael Kelso : "Dr. PeePee". That's great. You are so "Dr. PeePee".
Eric : Oh, really, "Big Chief Brown Bottom"?
Michael Kelso : [quietly] Sorry, man. I'm sorry. Everybody shut up. Just, shut up.
-
[the screen is split in two parts. On top, Donna is talking to Jackie. On bottom, Eric is talking to Kelso]
Eric : I really want to do it with her.
Donna Pinciotti : I don't know if I'm ready to do it with him.
Michael Kelso : I know what you mean.
[positively]
Michael Kelso : It's Donna.
Jackie Burkhardt : I know what you mean.
[negatively]
Jackie Burkhardt : It's Eric.
Eric Forman, Donna Pinciotti : What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Michael Kelso, Jackie Burkhardt : Nothing.
Eric : I mean, you and Jackie have done it millions of times, right?
Michael Kelso : Oh, yeah. We do it all the time.
Donna Pinciotti : I mean, you and Kelso have done it millions of times, right?
Jackie Burkhardt : No. I let him get to second base once, but that's it.
-
Michael Kelso : [reading] Oh Wait, Jackie. Two o'clock... 'Smokey and the Bandit'.
Jackie Burkhardt : No-no-no-no-no. I told you, I don't wanna see that again. I don't like the South.
-
Donna Pinciotti : What are you doing?
Michael Kelso : Jackie gave me this egg to take care of, so me and Hyde are throwing it back and forth.
Donna Pinciotti : Look, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Jackie gave you that egg as a test. She's trying to see if you have any parenting skills.
Michael Kelso : Oh, really? Hyde, better give that back.
Steven Hyde : All right.
[throws it, but it flies back and smashes against the wall]
Steven Hyde : Whoops. I mean, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
-
Donna Pinciotti : And exactly whose panties are these?
Midge Pinciotti : Um, actually, they're mine.
[Kelso and Fez kneel on the ground]
Michael Kelso : Eric. You are a *God*.
-
Michael Kelso : I don't get Jackie. I mean, we were together for years, and the second I turn my back she off and frenches Hyde.
Steven Hyde : And by turning your back you mean ditching her for two months to have sex with random beach trash?
[pause]
Michael Kelso : Whatever, man. It's all about words with you.
-
Michael Kelso : When guys cheat, its because they need some hot action. But when girls cheat it's way worse, 'cause girls don't even like sex.
Jackie Burkhardt : We do too.
Michael Kelso : Well why aren't we doin' it now?
Jackie Burkhardt : Because I don't want to do it right now.
Michael Kelso : I do. Point made. Thank you.
-
Michael Kelso : You can't sleep in the same bed with someone and not be doin' it. I've fallen asleep not doin' it and woken up doin' it.
Eric : ...and that's why they won't put him to sleep at the dentist.
-
Michael Kelso : [to Jackie] I still can't get over you cheating on me, and I need to hear you apologize again. And this time, maybe you should cry or give me money.
-
Donna Pinciotti : [to Eric] Have you suddenly become the stupidest man ever? I mean, is Kelso no longer the reigning king?
Michael Kelso : Oh, I'm the king.
-
Michael Kelso : In Wisconsin, if you win a girl a giant, purple rhinoceros, she puts out.
-
[Mounties Chris and Bryan hold the guys after they try to smuggle beer from Canada]
Bryan : Now, you are well within the legal limit on that.
[points at beer]
Chris : But you are over the legal limit of foreign kids you can smuggle out of this country.
Michael Kelso : Well what is the legal limit on that?
Chris : The limit is *zero*, you loser.
-
Michael Kelso : Guys guess how many countries I've wizzed in? TWO.
-
Fez : I just wish that there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Michael Kelso : Well, that's Canada... Yup, good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they're too busy playin' hockey or gettin' drunk or puttin' maple syrup on their ham.
-
Michael Kelso : I say do it with her.
Eric : Kelso, your solution to everything is "Do it with her".
Michael Kelso : Hey, it worked on my science teacher. C minus.
-
Michael Kelso : One time I asked Jackie what was wrong, she didn't shut up for like three straight days.
-
Michael Kelso : Hey. Guess who made out with Pam Macy behind the Gym.
Steven Hyde : Everybody.
-
Eric : Keep it down, you guys. If my dad finds out we're going to Canada, for beer, he won't be happy.
[Kelso runs up, shouting]
Michael Kelso : All right. Canada. Wooooooo. Beer.
[blows an air horn]
-
[the guys do homework]
Donna Pinciotti : If x equals seven, than y equals?
Jackie Burkhardt : Two?
Donna Pinciotti : No. Kelso?
Michael Kelso : Uh, L?
-
Donna Pinciotti : We're gonna graduate in two months, and there's a whole town out there waiting for us. We just have to, you know, grab the bull by the horns.
Michael Kelso : Hey, I'm gonna tell you from experience, if you're gonna mess with a bull, you better have a backup plan.
-
Jackie Burkhardt : So, what kind of career do you see yourself in?
Michael Kelso : Well, I was considering becoming a doctor...
Jackie Burkhardt : A doctor? Ooh, that's so mature.
Michael Kelso : Or, a rodeo clown.
-
Annette : If you expect me to go to the dance tonight you'll have to do a few things for me.
Michael Kelso : For you or to you?
-
Michael Kelso : See, I've enlightened you situation to that of Pavlov's dog. See, Pavlov was this science guy, and every time that Pavlov's dog would ring a bell, he would eat.
Eric : Are you sure that it was the dog who rang the bell?
Michael Kelso : Yeah, I mean, who else would it be?
Eric : Pavlov?
Michael Kelso : Well that wouldn't be a trick. I mean, what man can't ring a bell? But anyway, anytime that dog would ring that bell, he would eat and then Pavlov would drool.
Eric : You just read that chapter two seconds ago.
Michael Kelso : Do you even want my help?
Eric : No.
Michael Kelso : Well, your loss.
-
Michael Kelso : Horror movies turn on chicks faster than porno.
Steven Hyde : Really? Faster than that?
Michael Kelso : Yeah. If only somebody would make a porno-horror movie.
-
[the guys cheat at Bingo]
Steven Hyde : Kelso man, you're willing to cheat? You're in the house of the Lord. You're coming along nicely.
Michael Kelso : Yeah, I mean it's not that bad, because technically we're only in the basement of the Lord, and I'll bet he never comes down here.
-
[Michael puts a cheese star over his eye]
Michael Kelso : Look. I'm Paul Stanley from 'Kiss'.
-
[Kitty's father has just passed in the emergency room]
Kitty Forman : I don't know how to say this... Daddy's gone to a better place.
Michael Kelso : Good, 'cause this hospital sucks.
[Kelso gets an angry look from everyone]
Michael Kelso : What?
[Kelso realizes]
Michael Kelso : Oh. (whispering) This hospital sucks.
-
[Jackie just got a job]
Michael Kelso : You got money? Cool. Let's go buy me that transformer.
Jackie Burkhardt : No, Michael. Money doesn't grow on trees. Ohh... Money DOESN'T grow on trees...
-
Michael Kelso : Laurie is my girlfriend now, and I love her.
Donna Pinciotti : No you don't.
Michael Kelso : I like her.
Steven Hyde : No you don't.
Michael Kelso : I think she is okay. And the line between love and okay is fine, but the line between doin' it and not doin' it is NOT fine.
-
Michael Kelso : Look Jackie, here's the deal. You cheated on me.
Jackie Burkhardt : You cheated on me all the time.
Michael Kelso : Well, yeah... but you cheated out of hate, and I cheated out of joy.
-
Michael Kelso : You know what's a funny word? Pickleweasel.
-
Michael Kelso : Hey, you guys wanna know what a funny word is? Pickle-weasel!
-
Eric : What kind of moron leaves the keys in the ignition?
Michael Kelso : When I put the keys in my pocket, it distracts from my natural bulge.
-
[after finding out a girl he slept with is pregnant]
Kelso : You ladies don't know what I'm going through. I mean, you can have all the sex you want and don't have to worry about getting anyone pregnant.
-
[Eric is trying to figure out what to do about David hitting on Donna]
Steven Hyde : You know, Forman, I'm a romantic. So I say you choke him 'til his eyes pop out!
Kelso : Yeah. Hittin' people's cool.
-
Steven Hyde : Go ahead and hit me. A free shot.
Kelso : You gonna hit me back?
Steven Hyde : No, man. That's why they call it a free shot.
Kelso : Oh. OK. Get ready. Here it comes. It's coming. Get ready.
Fez : We're ready. Do it, fool.
-
Michael Kelso : [checking out girls] How 'bout I kiss her?
Jackie Burkhardt : Ugh, no way! She's too tall, too tan, too rich.
Michael Kelso : Damn, Jackie, I don't wanna kiss a short pale poor girl!
-
Steven Hyde : Man you went to the free clinic?
Kelso : No, but I saw your mom there. BURN.
[Hyde hits him]
Kelso : OW. That left a mark. Like your mom did.
[Hyde hits him again]
-
Kelso : Well maybe we should check the School Morgue.
Steven Hyde : Kelso, the school doesn't HAVE a morgue.
Kelso : So what do we pay all those taxes for?
Steven Hyde : You know what kills me? You do better in school than I do.
-
Kelso : I'm not afraid either. There are laws to protect a man and his van.
Steven Hyde : For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847.
-
Michael Kelso : [Hyde says Rudolph is gay] Rudolph had a girlfriend. Her name was Clarice. She said he was cute, okay, if anyone was gay it was Herby. No straight guy has hair like that.
-
Steven Hyde : Let's face it Forman. You're soft.
Donna Pinciotti : How soft is he, Hyde?
Steven Hyde : Softer than Liberace at the Playboy mansion.
[brief pause]
Kelso : Yeah. Because he plays the piano... wait...
[Donna whispers in his ear]
Kelso : [to Eric] OOOOH. BURN.
-
Michael Kelso : No, I said, "Not it!" If playground rules are not in effect, this is anarchy.
-
Michael Kelso : You guys! You guys! Great news! Rudolph, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, The Little Drummer Boy - they're all on TV this week!
-
[after Kelso suggests hitting a guy that's hitting on Donna]
Eric : I dunno. If I hit this guy, Donna's just gonna be pissed.
Kelso : No, man. Chicks dig that stuff! I mean, Leia, right, she acted like she was mad at Han. But I could tell she liked him.
Steven Hyde : Kelso, man, what are you, an idiot? Leia likes Luke, I mean she kissed him on that bridge!
Kelso : Uh! Just for luck!
-
[Eric and Donna fed the rest of the gang laxative-laced brownies as revenge for a prank]
Michael Kelso : That was a wicked burn. I mean, it had all the elements. You didn't see it coming... parts of it really hurt...
-
Donna Pinciotti : You know what I love about Hyde? He's always beating up Kelso.
Michael Kelso : Uh! That is false! Name one time.
Donna Pinciotti : Gladly.
Steven Hyde : [scene switches to the gang sitting around the Forman's kitchen table, eating] Mmmmm, I love mashed potatoes.
Michael Kelso : Really?
[spits some on Hyde's plate, which makes Hyde shove Kelso down and start punching him]
Michael Kelso : Augh! My eye!
Steven Hyde : [scene switches to the gang playing basketball in the driveway] That's a foul.
Michael Kelso : You know what's foul? Your playing.
[throws the basketball at Hyde, who tackles Kelso and starts punching him]
Michael Kelso : Owwww! That's my eye!
Steven Hyde : [scene switches to the gang sitting in the basement watching TV, when Kelso comes in and changes the channel] Change it back, I was watching that.
Michael Kelso : No.
Steven Hyde : CHANGE IT BACK.
Michael Kelso : NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
[Hyde knocks Kelso over the couch and begins punching]
Michael Kelso : Waaah-haa-haaa! My eye!
Michael Kelso : [scene switches back to where it started] Seriously, dude. You keep hurting my eye.
-
[repeated line]
Michael Kelso : OW, MY EYE!
-
Steven Hyde : They should've X-rayed your head at the hospital.
Michael Kelso : They did. And for your information, they found nothing.
-
Michael Kelso : [referring to the gang smoking pot on Thanksgiving] Why do you guys do this to yourselves? Well, it's Thanksgiving, some people bake pies, we bake ourselves.
-
Kelso : Red, you know what your problem is? I'm too good-looking.
-
Donna Pinciotti : [talking about Playboy] Ok, if any of you losers had a girlfriend, would you still look at those magazines?
Kelso : Donna, I had two girlfriends. And a little action on the side. And I still looked at those magazines.
-
Michael Kelso : [on Bob and Pam dating] Dating is based on a point system. Pam's good looking, so that's 25 points. Bob's the nicest guy in the world, so that's like, a point? But he has money, so there's 24 points. Now you add those up, and you get 50, which is, coincidentally half my score.
-
Michael Kelso : You married a stripper! You're living every man's dream! Well, not my dream. My dream's always a monkey giving me the finger... and he makes me take off my clothes... you don't want to live my dream.
-
Michael Kelso : So, if you're not going to fire Randy and you're not going to fire Leo, I got a question. Can I see you wife's boobs?
-
Jackie Burkhardt : [to Hyde] So you know what? I am done making an ass out of myself for you or any guy. I'm done with guys completely.
Michael Kelso : Hear that, Hyde? We screwed her up so bad she's switching to chicks! How awesome are we?
[high fives with Hyde]
-
Michael Kelso : Tell you what... that's the last time I'm gonna mess around with a girl with a boyfriend.
Donna Pinciotti : Kelso, your hand is on my butt.
Michael Kelso : Come on, he's in Africa.
-
Steven Hyde : Everything I wanted to say was in that one punch. Come on.
[Hyde helps Kelso get up]
Michael Kelso : That was a good one too. I peed myself a little on the way down.
-
Michael Kelso : I spilt my soda... Hyde. I don't know what to say.
Steven Hyde : How about 'ow'?
Michael Kelso : Why would I say ow?
[Hyde hits Kelso]
Michael Kelso : Ow.
[falls to the floor and laughs]
Michael Kelso : I get it!
-
Donna Pinciotti : [after Charlie fell off the water tower] That was a pretty awkward landing, I hope he's OK.
Michael Kelso : Of course he's OK, it's not like anyone's ever died falling off the water tower.
Kitty Forman : [next scene] And so they renamed it The Charlie Richardson Memorial Water Tower.
-
Michael Kelso : Yeah, I'm so Brando.
Steven Hyde : Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie.
