Superstar (1999)

Molly Shannon: Mary Katherine Gallagher

Photos 

Quotes 

• Grandma Gallagher : We've got two days to the big show. So when I say kick, you want to kick. And when I say dip, you dip. And when I say tap, you tap. And when I say...

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : They get it, Grandma. They get it. They get it.

  Grandma Gallagher : I've got two more. And when I say booga-booga, you booga-booga.

  Maria Ganitisis : What's "booga-booga" mean?

  Grandma Gallagher : I don't know. But if I say it, you better fuckin' figure it out.

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : SUPERSTAR!

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : Father, my sins would best be expressed in a monologue from the made-for-TV movie "Sybil", starring a young Miss Sally Field as a woman with multiple personality disorder.

  Father John Insomnic : Go ahead.

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : Ah, look at ya. My pretty little girl. Sittin' there with her face all painted up and a little halter top. You're nothing but a little *slut*. Don't call me that. I'm a Puerto Rican lady, señor. We all know you're a slut, Sybil Anne Dorsett. We know you're a little slut! No, I'm not! I'm not a slut! I'm not a slut! I'm not a slut! I'm not a slut! I'm not a slut! I ain 't no slut!

• Evian Graham : You are so dead.

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : Go drink a bottle of yourself.

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : [to Evian]  Well, you should be embarrassed because your parents named you after bottled water!

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : These are my BREASTS. They're so BIG. I need a BRA to strap them and support because they're so HUGE they need to be hooked and strapped for support. My big boobs, this one is bigger than this one 'cause is the mommy and that's the baby. And this one is very nice to this one and they hold hands because they're FRIENDS!

• Grandma Gallagher : It's time I told you how your parents died.

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : What does that have to do with a talent contest?

  Grandma Gallagher : Everything.

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : I thought you said that mom and dad were savagely ripped apart and eaten by a school of hammerhead sharks.

  Grandma Gallagher : I just told you that to make you feel better.

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : Are you aware that I am rubber, and you are glue, and whatever you say to me bounces off, of me, and sticks to you? So put that in your, back pocket.

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : You're horrible! 'slams door' 'opens door'... HORRIBLE

• Helen Lewengrub : Remember, he said you have nice moves. That means he was looking at your body, which means he thinks you're doable. So basically, he asked you to sleep with him.

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : Oh my goodness, this relationship is moving too fast.

• Grandma Gallagher : Mary Katherine, what are you doing?

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : I'm using my telekineses to kill the girl who poured pig's blood on me at the prom.

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my armpits and then I smell them like this!

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : [talking to a stop sign]  No, I do like you. But it's too soon. You just broke up with her. We can't.

  [flirtatiously hits the pole] 

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : Stop making me laugh.

  [starts French-kissing the pole and moaning] 

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : Oh my God!

  Jesus : Oh my Me! How are you?

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : It's going OK. Are you the Lord?

  Jesus : Well, to you I am. See, technically, you're, like, in this REM sleep state, and I'm a mixture of your mind's images of God, some past authority figures, uh, Sky, and your dad. Basically, your subconcsious came up with me to help you deal. Dig?

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : Yeah... uh, you want a glass of water or something?

  Jesus : No, I'm good. I'm God!

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : Oh. Right.

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : So what really happened to your parents?

  Slater : They were savagely ripped apart and eaten by a school of hammerhead sharks.

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : That happens a lot.

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : Helen, have you ever kissed a boy before?

  Helen Lewengrub : Owen kissed me five times on the cheek once.

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : Really?

  Helen Lewengrub : Hey, Owen.

  Owen Flanagan : Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

• Father Ritley : Miss Gallagher, what was that horrible thing you said to Sister Eileen?

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : I told her to move her big white butt or I would cold cock her honky ass.

  Father Ritley : To Sister Eileen? Why would you say such a thing?

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : The video store where I work got Spike Lee movies.

• Helen Lewengrub : What if they make fun of us?

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : Okay, I just wanna say one thing to all of you. Don't listen to the names that people call you. If you believe in yourself, then nobody can hurt you. You are your own rainbow.

  Maria Ganitisis : Wow. That's really insightful.

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : That's from 'The Initiation Of Sarah' starring Miss Shelley Winters.

  Maria Ganitisis : Yeah?

  Howard Feinstein : Cool.

• Helen Lewengrub : What if they make fun of us?

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : Okay. I just wanna say one thing to all of you. Don't listen to the names that people call you. If you believe in yourself, then nobody can hurt you. You are your own rainbow.

  Maria Ganitisis : Wow. That's really insightful.

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : That's from "The Initiation of Sarah", starring Miss Shelley Winters.

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : [coming home late after auditioning]  I stayed after school to study business.

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : Do you think that, even without the talent show, Sky would still wanna kiss me?

  Slater : I think Sky would have to be cr-cr-crazy not to wanna kiss you.

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : Please God, forgive me for not telling Slater that I went to the bathroom in the pool tonight.

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : [last lines, talking to a tree]  And that's my story. That's my entire story. I wanted you to know so you would understand why I can't see you anymore. So, I guess this is good-bye. What are you saying? You want a good-bye what? No I can't. I can't. I'm seeing Slater now. Oh you're so bad. Okay just one for the road.

  [French kisses the tree and starts moaning] 

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : There was only one way I'd ever get what I wanted. I would have to become exactly like those people l saw getting kissed in the movies. I would have to become: a superstar.

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : My grandmother used to always say that when I grow up, I should become a business woman. But I didn't really think about business, mostly because I couldn't stop thinking about the one thing that I wanted more than anything in the world: a kiss. A big Hollywood fireworks type of kiss.

• Evian Graham : What are you looking at, boob-sweat?

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : Nothing.

  Evian Graham : It's called a bra, Mary. But don't worry. You'll never need one.

• Evian Graham : Ow! You hurt my titty.

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : I'm sorry. You had a little spot there on your brassiere, and I was just trying to - wipe it off.

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : [addressing a tree]  I had a really good time on our date last night. Did you? I wore this kiwi lime lip gloss just for you. You like it? Huh? You like kiwi? Shut up. You shut up. 'Cause you're sexy. Shh. Shh. I'm gonna spank you. You wanna be spanked ? Huh?

  [embraces the tree] 

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : You want me to spank your booty? I'll spank it. I'll spank it. I'll spank you. Shh, shh, shh, shh.

  [kisses the tree] 

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : Mmm. Ah.

  [French kisses the tree] 

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : Oh, God. Oh, my body.

  [nun passing by, stops, clears her throat] 

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : Sorry. Sorry. I was - I was just - I was just doing my part to save the rain forest. Sorry.

  [runs away] 

• Evian Graham : Hi, Mary. I like to do all I can to help the challenged. So a word ofadvice. I wouldn't say "Superstar" anymore because some people might say that you super-suck.

  Helen Lewengrub : Go suck your boyfriend's ding-a-ling.

  Evian Graham : Go shave your mustache, Helen.

  Autum : Or should we say Geraldo ?

  Evian Graham : Gotta go jog for glaucoma. Bye.

  [turns around, walks away] 

  Helen Lewengrub : Evian, you're a super-ass!

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : Evian does have a super ass.

  Helen Lewengrub : Oh, I know.

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : [singing]  lsn't it romantic, Merely to be young, On such a night, As this, Isn't it romantic...

• Mary Katherine Gallagher : I wish I could dance with Sky Corrigan.

  Helen Lewengrub : Sky's definitely the Swayziest, but he's gonna dance with Evian.

• Evian Graham : As president ofthe Catholic Cheerleaders Against VD Foundation, I can't let you sign up for the audition.

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : But I wanna sign up for the auditions.

  Evian Graham : Mary, fighting VD isn't a joke.

• Father Ritley : Mrs. Gallagher, I called you here today to discuss your granddaughter's problem. Now, upon reflection, I think a combination of prayer and Ritalin could eliminate her excess energy.

  Grandma Gallagher : How dare you. My Mary has no problem. My granddaughter is a star.

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : What?

  Grandma Gallagher : Look at that face. She looks like a young Elizabeth Taylor. You may call her hyperactive. But if the Good Lord gave her excess energy, then, by God, no one's taking it from her.

• Father Ritley : You're the rewind girl at Kip's Video.

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : Yes, I am.

  Father Ritley : Well, Mary, let's pretend that your life's a movie. We rewind it. It ends. You're dead. How was it?

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : My feelings would best be expressed in a monologue from the made-for-TV movie "Portrait of a Teenage Centerfold", starring Miss Lori Singer from "Footloose".

  Father Ritley : If you must.

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : It excites me, Daddy. Don't you see? I like it when the men look at me. You try to keep me trapped here in this small town like a little animal. But I am bustin' out, Daddy! I'm gonna see the world, and the world is gonna see me! They're gonna see all of me, Daddy! All of me!

• Father Ritley : [at the talent show audition]  So, what are you going to do for us, Mary?

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : I just wanna say - that I'm multitalented, but today I've chosen to express myself through song. Okay.

  [singing] 

  Mary Katherine Gallagher : You - You ask me if I love you, And I choke on my reply, l'd rather tell you honestly, Than mislead you with a lie, And sometimes when we touch, The honesty's too much, I have to close my eyes, And hide, I wanna hold you till I die, Till we both break down, And cry, I wanna hold you, Till the fear in me, Subsides...