Family Fortunes (1980–2023)
Les Dennis: Self - Host
Quotes
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Les Dennis : Name a way of toasting someone.
Contestant : [buzzing in] Over a fire?
[audience laughter]
Les Dennis : If that answer's there, I'll give you the money myself! Over a fire?
[revealed as the 5th most popular answer - grill]
Les Dennis : [in surprise] Oh, no!
[more audience laughter]
Les Dennis : [still in shock] I owe you £12! That's the first time it's ever happened!
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Les Dennis : Name something you stroke.
[contestant buzzes in]
Contestant : Erm, you stroke a match?
[audience laughter]
Les Dennis : "Stroke" a match?
[Les then pretends to "stroke" a match, much to everyone's delight]
Les Dennis : [to the "match"] Come on! Come on! You're my favourite match!
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Les Dennis : [when given a daft answer] If it's there, I'll give you the money myself.
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Les Dennis : Name something to do with the sea. Ron?
Contestant 1 : Deckchairs!
[audience laughs]
Les Dennis : "What's that out at sea? Thar she blows, that deckchair!" Ron wants to see a deckchair!
[buzz!]
Les Dennis : It isn't there, so over to Pat.
Contestant 2 : [heavily accented] Coffin.
Contestant 2 : Coffee?
Contestant 2 : Coffin! Coffin!
Les Dennis : A coffin? Oh, I see, a burial at see, you mean?
Contestant 2 : [confused] Huh? Yeah...
Les Dennis : Oh, you're thinking of the letter C! S-E-A, I meant!
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Les Dennis : [after being given an answer that is even sillier than usual] If it's there, I'll give you the *car* myself!
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Les Dennis : Name something associated with "The X-Files".
[No one answers]
Les Dennis : We could show you an episode right now while we're waiting.
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Les Dennis : We asked a hundred people to name something people take from hotels as a souvenir.
[Contestant buzzes in]
Les Dennis : Ann?
Contestant : The lamps.
Les Dennis : The lamps?
[audience laughter]
Les Dennis : This is experience talking, is it, Ann?
Contestant : [laughing] Yeah.
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Les Dennis : Name something people keep in the garden shed.
Contestant : Uh, the gardener.
[audience laughter]
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Les Dennis : We asked a hundred people to name a polite word, or phrase, people use to curse.
[Contestant buzzes in]
Les Dennis : Rachel.
Contestant : Bugger.
[audience laughter]
Les Dennis : [laughing] That's VERY polite, Rachel!
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Les Dennis : Name a famous "Arthur".
Contestant : Uh, Shakespeare.
[audience laughter]
Les Dennis : I'll tell you what: if it's up there, I'll give you the CAR myself.
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Les Dennis : Name something tourists buy as a souvenir.
Contestant : Drum gear.
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Les Dennis : Name a fruit used in fruit salad.
Contestant : Cucumber.
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Les Dennis : Something added to whisky.
Contestant : Gin.
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Les Dennis : A Parisian landmark.
Contestant : Uh... Hawaii.
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Gorden Kaye : A type of decoration associated with Christmas.
Les Dennis : Um... the, uh, the little... crackers!
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Les Dennis : You're supposed to be accident-prone, yeah?
Eddie Rose : Yes, I was on a roof one day, nine o'clock one morning, and I fell off, and slid down a garage roof and went through a downstairs window and cut me leg pretty bad. That was at nine o'clock in the morning. They took me to hospital, sewed me leg up, they put it in a casing, put me in the waiting room and by now it's about twelve o'clock. And they gave me a pair of crutches, they said "You can go home", I was on me way home, going out the hospital gates and the crutch slipped and I fell down and broke me finger.
[audience applauses and roars with laughter]
Les Dennis : [while laughing] There's more yet! Hang on! And then?
Eddie Rose : So, they took me to the surgery, put it in a splint, put me back in the waiting room, by now it's about half-past three. I said, "What time will you let me out?" They said, "You must go home in an ambulance this time". I waited until half-past four, the ambulance didn't come, so I sneaked out. And I'm halfway home, I saw a friend of mine up a ladder, he looked down at me, he was on the forecourt of a shop and he said, "What the hell have you been doing?" And I started to tell him, he said "I can't hear you, I'm coming down". So I held onto the bottom of the ladder, and he just slides some heavy equipment and I woke up in hospital with six stitches in me head.
[audience applauses and laughs even harder]
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Les Dennis : Top six answers, we asked a hundred people: Something that might frighten Dracula.
[Contestant buzzes in]
Les Dennis : Jake?
Contestant : Uh, Bob Monkhouse.
[Audience laughter]
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Les Dennis : Alright, what do you think. A bird with a long neck.
Contestant : Uh, blackbird.
[Audience laughter]
Les Dennis : I'm gonna risk saying it: If it's up there, I'll give you the money myself. A blackbird!
[X]
Les Dennis : [Walks to the other family] Three lives have gone, so the Banyaras get a chance to steal. Lee?
Contestant 2 : Naomi Campbell.
[Audience laughs even harder]
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Les Dennis : So Dick, what do you put on forms where you have to give your surname first?
Dick Nice : Nice Richard.
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Les Dennis : We asked a hundred people to name an article of clothing a woman might borrow from a man.
Contestant : Um, underpants.
[audience laughter]
