Guest House Paradiso (1999)
Rik Mayall: Richard Twat
Photos
Quotes
-
Richard Twat : Ah! Good evening, Miss Carbonara.
Gina Carbonara : Good evening, Mr. Twat.
Richard Twat : It's cunt!
-
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : Chef's hurt himself.
Richard Twat : How badly?
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : Indescribably badly. He hit his head on a frying pan seventeen times.
-
Mrs Hardy : [ordering breakfast] Where do your eggs come from?
Richard Twat : Ermm... Hen's vaginas?
-
Richard Twat : Will you stop making those owl noises?
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : Sorry
Richard Twat : Now come on
[Rich slips and lands with his eye in the candle]
Richard Twat : AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH
[Lights go out then Eddy lights another candle]
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : Rich are you alright?
Richard Twat : Candle in the eye.
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : What?
Richard Twat : Candle in the eye
[rich points to his eye]
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : Oh righto
[Eddy shoves the candle in Richies unburnt eye]
Richard Twat : AAAARRRGGGGGHHH
-
Richard Twat : I trust you've slept well?
Mr Johnson : We had rather a rough night actually.
Richard Twat : Ah well, the perils of adultery.
-
Richard Twat : Ahh... Good morning, Mrs Foxfur.
Mrs Foxfur : Morning, Twat.
-
Richard Twat : [opens the till and finds it empty] What are the advance bookings, like?
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : Ah, not too good.
Richard Twat : [shuts the till] Ooooooooh, God!
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : Come on, Richie, it's not that bad.
Richard Twat : Yes, it is, I just trapped the tip of my penis in the till drawer!
Mrs Foxfur : [Eddie open the till] Oh, Mr Twat!
Richard Twat : It's Thwaite,
[whispers]
Richard Twat : I thought you said the guests have gone.
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : I thought she was dead.
-
Richard Twat : What about that ring
Mrs Nice : I never take it off.
Richard Twat : Well what about the watch then? Is that expensive?
Mr Nice : Oh, it's just a cheap copy.
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : Well that will do, the pawnbroker is very shortsighted.
Richard Twat : EDDIE! means, that you don't need a watch in paradise. Time... stops here
[Mr. Nice hands over the watch]
-
Richard Twat : Chef I thought I told you to get this tap thing fixed - It's a fire hazard!
Chef : YOU FUCKING BASTARD!
Richard Twat : ...Very good chef. Carry on. Is breakfast, well on the way?
-
Mrs Hardy : He's a black belt in karate, you know.
Richard Twat : More like a pink belt in hanging about gentlemen's lavatories on Hamstead Heath.
-
Mr Johnson : I merely brushed your arm!
Richard Twat : Well, we have already established that you're a liar, Mr Jones.
Mr Johnson : Look, Mr Twat...
Richard Twat : It's pronounced "Thwaite"!
Mr Johnson : Well, It's spelled twat.
[pointing at Richie's name on the desk]
Mr Johnson : T-W-A-T Twat!
Richard Twat : Could you keep your voice down please? We do have normal guests, as well.
-
Richard Twat : Pheeb. One boiled egg.
-
Richard Twat : As we always say at the Guest House Paradiso: Have fun, don't go in the water if you know what's good for you and try not to get shit on the sheets.
-
Saucy Wood Nymph : Come gather, saucy wood nymphs, come from your groves! It is Richie!
Richard Twat : [Delighted to see he is surrounded by five scantily dressed wood nymphs] Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, birds!
Saucy Wood Nymph : Come, love nymphs. Out of respect for Richie, let us all take out our great knockers, and wobble them about a bit.
Saucy Wood Nymph : Oh yes, do let's!
Saucy Wood Nymph : No, other love nymphs. First let us open our magic fairy briefcases, and shower our lord with bundles of unmarked tenners. Erotically.
All : Hurrah, yes! What a smashing idea!
Saucy Wood Nymph : But first, proud firm young maidens who are definitely on for it, let us anoint him with pints of super-strength illegal cider!
All : Oh yes, let's!
[All wood nymphs throw pints of cider over a surprised Richie. One of the nymphs has changed into Eddie who laughs maniacally]
Richard Twat : Settle, birds!
[Richie is doused in cider by five copies of Eddie who keeps laughing, until Richie wakes up from his dream]
-
Richard Twat : I trust you two both washed.
Mr Johnson : Actually, the water was cold.
Richard Twat : That's no reason not to wash, is it? Good grief, we are British, you know. We invented cold showers to stop people masturbating. Oh, I see, maybe that's why you are so upset about the lack of hot water.
-
Richard Twat : Now, this is the light switch which is on a timer which will give you plenty of time to take your key and insert it in the...
[light goes out]
Richard Twat : ... Arse!
Damien Nice : Insert it in your arse?
-
Gina Carbonara : Good evening, Mr. Twat.
Richard Twat : It's cunt. Damn... again. Gina Carbonara! The melons from Milan!
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : Yeah, the nipples from Naples!
Richard Twat : The rump from Rome!
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : The rectum from Reykjavík! Hang on, that's not quite right, is it?
-
Richard Twat : [Richie puts on Eddie's glasses] How do I look?
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba : I don't know I can't see a fucking thing!