Titus (2000–2002)

Zack Ward: Dave Scouvel

Quotes 

• [at a self-help seminar, Dave is bawling his eyes out] 

  Dave : [through tears]  I... don't know what you... want from... me!

  Christopher Titus : I want you to tell me what you want.

  Dave : But I told you... What I want. I... Wanna... Get bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers!

• [Christopher, Dave, and Tommy have just watched a man fall to his death from jumping off a bridge] 

  Dave : His helmet fell off.

  Christopher Titus : He wasn't wearing one.

  [Tommy faints] 

• Dave : You got me a joint as a going away present?

  Christopher Titus : Smoke it on the bus, Dave!

• [after being smacked in the head repeatedly with a lunchbox, by Dave, while seated on an airplane] 

  Christopher Titus : All right! What the hell's with the lunchbox?

  Dave : Oh, um, yeah. I put your mom's ashes in it. See, it keeps your cool mom cool and your hot mom hot! And... and there's also a snack pack pudding in here to surprise her.

  Christopher Titus : Dave, she's past pudding, hence the ability to fit her into a lunchbox.

• Christopher Titus : Tommy, what are you, Dave?

  Dave Titus : YEAH, ya dumbass!

• Dave Titus : I decided what I'm going to do with my life. I joined the Army.

  Chris Titus : Okay, Dave, one question. *WHY*?

• Christopher Titus : [title card reads: "Marijuana task force cam"]  Dave, when are you moving out?

  Dave : After the harvest.

• Dave : Now that is J-ello with a capital "O".

• Dave Titus : "I'm getting married in five days." Lies, lies, lies!