Discworld Noir (1999 Video Game)
Rob Brydon: Lewton, Corporal Nobby Nobbs, Commander Samuel Vimes, Death, Lord Vetinari, Mooncalf, Two Conkers, Mankin, Samael, Gelid, Coom, Whirl, Patrician's Clerk #1
Quotes
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Lewton : The river Ankh - probably the only river in the universe on which it is possible to chalk the outline of a corpse.
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Lewton : I bought the Imp-powered Coffee Bean machine from Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler, the man whose name was the by-word in quality. With CMOT Dibbler, you could say bye to quality. I'll say this for the ICBM, it made coffee strong enough to blow your head off. On the downside, the Imp tended to use the beans to fuel its own addiction. Some days the poor thing was so jittery, the machine would vibrate off the shelf.
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[first lines]
Lewton : I've had some bad days since I started work as a private investigator. But I've never woken up dead before.
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Ilsa Varberg : And did you forget?
Lewton : I don't remember.
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Lewton : Don't worry. Anything we discuss is strictly between you, me, and anyone else I tell.
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Mr. Scoplett : Well, I'm afraid my memory isn't very good... I need... Something to jog it...
Lewton : ...Would a crowbar work?
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Lewton : [looking at Laredo Cronk, an attractive woman with a ponytail, wearing shorts, boots and a backpack] Laredo Cronk, the upwardly nubile tomb evacuator and the focus of the fantasies of a thousand post-pubescent adolescents. I had to admit there was something about her.
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Lewton : So, what do you do for a living?
Laredo Cronk : I'm a tomb evacuator.
Lewton : And what does that involve?
Laredo Cronk : It's a lot of fun. It means breaking into ancient buildings within which no man or woman has walked for thousands of years, apart from whoever it is who leaves all those medical kits, of course, and working my way through fiendish traps and puzzles and eventually stealing some priceless treasure.
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Lewton : So, what does a tomb evacuator do?
Laredo Cronk : Nothing special. I break into places where priceless antiquities have been locked away for centuries, overcome the elaborate and convoluted security systems, defeat my rivals and make away with the treasure. Typical day's work, really.
Lewton : So you must be pretty rich, then.
Laredo Cronk : Oh, I've got absolutely pots of money. Anyway, the whole thing with the tombs and so on is just a hobby. And of course it's great for making friends.
Lewton : What, among fiendish tomb-guarding monsters?
Laredo Cronk : No, I kill all those. I meant people are always asking me things like "How do you get to the third ledge in the tomb of Texmecscwisine?" What's a walkthrough?
Lewton : Never heard of it.
Laredo Cronk : People are always asking me for one. I hope it's nothing to do with sex.
Lewton : My mind just boggled, sorry.
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Lewton : What can you tell me about a golden sword?
Laredo Cronk : Ha! You'll have to be more specific than that. Golden swords aren't that uncommon, you know. I must have evacuated about thirty in my career, and that's not including the golden daggers, golden lances and golden kebab skewers.
Lewton : I'm sorry?
Laredo Cronk : The ancients seemed to think that gold was the best material to build everything out of. And I mean everything. The ziggurats of Tezuma had golden cutlery, golden swimming pools, golden bedsheets and golden chamberpots.
Lewton : Really?
Laredo Cronk : Well, not anymore because I stole it all. But for a while it was very impressive.
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[Count Von Uberwald is dying so Death has arrived]
Death : I've come out for the Count, so to speak.
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Death : You seem remarkably calm for one who has just seen the defeater of empires, the swallower of oceans, the thief of years, the ultimate reality, the harvester of mankind and the assassin against whom no lock will hold. That's me, in case you have trouble with long sentences.
