Miss Congeniality (2000)

Michael Caine: Victor Melling

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kathy Morningside : New Jersey, as you know, there are many who consider the Miss United States Pageant to be outdated and anti-feminist. What would you say to them?

  Gracie Hart : Well, I would have to say - I used to be one of them. And then I came here and I realized that these women are smart, terrific people who are just trying to make a difference in the world. And we've become really good friends. I mean, I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face, and - wait a minute, I've already done that! And for me this experience has been one of the most rewarding and liberating experiences of my life.

  [audience applauds] 

  Victor Melling : My God, I did it!

  Gracie Hart : And if anyone, anyone - tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much that they'd wish they were never born. And if they ran, I would hunt them down. Thank you, Kathy.

  Victor Melling : A brief shining moment, and then that mouth!

• Victor Melling : I haven't seen a walk like that since "Jurassic Park"!

• Victor Melling : What, no armored car?

  Gracie Hart : That would be in my other dress.

• Victor Melling : The interview is the single most important part of the pageant. It counts for 30 percent of your total score.

  Gracie Hart : What's the other 70 percent, cleavage?

• Victor Melling : [teaching Gracie how to glide]  See? Glide. It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty?

  Gracie Hart : It takes a very secure man to walk like that.

• Gracie Hart : Look I know what I'm gonna do. I haven't done this since high school but it's like riding a bike.

  Victor Melling : You are not having sex on this stage.

  Gracie Hart : I didn't know that was an option.

• Victor Melling : Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown.

• Victor Melling : By the way, what are you planning to do for your talent: sing, dance, chew with your mouth closed?

  Gracie Hart : I will do whatever you want me to do, Yoda.

• Victor Melling : [during a makeover session]  Eyebrows. There should be two.

• Victor Melling : This woman has no talent!

  Eric Matthews : Geez Vic! You don't gotta shout it out in front of her!

• Victor Melling : I'm sorry, what was the question? I was distracted by the half-masticated cow rolling around in your wide-open trap.

• Stan Fields : What is the one most important thing our society needs?

  Gracie Hart : That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan.

  [crowd is silent] 

  Gracie Hart : And world peace!

  [crowd cheers ecstatically] 

  Stan Fields : Thank you, Gracie Lou.

  Gracie Hart : And thank *you*, Stan.

  [Gracie walks offstage] 

  Victor Melling : That was charming. Are you drunk?

  Gracie Hart : I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile!

• Gracie Hart : I would so love to hurt you right now.

  Victor Melling : As long as you smile.

• Gracie Hart : Oh my gosh, it's the crown!

  Victor Melling : Yes, it is! You can taste it now, can't you?

  [Gracie is taken to the stage, wildly pointing at her head while she stutters about the crown] 

  Victor Melling : Yes, yes. You *wear* the crown, *be* the crown, you *are* the crown!

• [arguing about Gracie's contract on providing a talent] 

  Eric Matthews : Listen to me, you old fruitcake!

  Victor Melling : How dare you, you cupcake!

• Victor Melling : Why is New Jersey called "The Garden State"?

  Gracie Hart : Because it's too hard to fit"Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State" on a license plate?

• Victor Melling : Your hair should make a statement.

  Gracie Hart : As long as it doesn't say 'Thank you very much for the Country Music Award'!

• Gracie Hart : My teeth - What are you going to do with my teeth?

  Victor Melling : Hopefully, remove the beer stains and steak residue.

• Victor Melling : If I'd ever had a daughter, I imagine she might have been something like you... which is perhaps why I've never reproduced.

• Victor Melling : He's with me.

  Eric Matthews : I'm not "with him" with him, you know? It's not like...

  Victor Melling : Come on, muffin!

• Victor Melling : In place of friends and relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun!

  Gracie Hart : Oh, *I* have sarcasm? When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain?

  Victor Melling : Ah! That is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist - and that works for me!

  Gracie Hart : You know what? I don't have relationships because I don't want them, an-an-and I don't have friends because I work 24/7. And you have no idea why I am the way that I am.

• Victor Melling : Ten out of eleven years my girls were crowned. The year we lost, the winner was a deaf-mute. You can't beat that.

• Kathy Morningside : Oh, oh, Victor, you'll take the bags to the room. I realize it's been a while since you've been with us, but you remember how everything goes, don't you?

  [Kathy walks off with Gracie] 

  Victor Melling : One little mistake, and I'm a bloody bellhop!

• [Vic puts some fake boobs in Gracie's suit] 

  Gracie Hart : Oh good. I guess it's time to go apply at my local Hooters.

  [Vic holds up a tube Hemorrhoid ointment] 

  Gracie Hart : What? Hemorrhoid ointment? You really think the judges are going to be looking that closely?

  Victor Melling : It's for the little baggies under your eyes.

  Gracie Hart : Really.

  [Vic shakes a can of hairspray] 

  Gracie Hart : Oh good, hairspray. Something I finally recognize.

  [Vic sprays the bottom of her suit and she bonks into the mirror] 

  Gracie Hart : What are you doing?

  Victor Melling : It stops the suit from riding up.

  Gracie Hart : Riding up where?

  Victor Melling : Just... up!

  Gracie Hart : That is enough!

  Victor Melling : Why do you make things difficult for me?

  Gracie Hart : Oh, yeah. I can see this is an incredibly embarrassing situation for you!

• [answering her question] 

  Cheryl "Rhode Island" : In a way, America is like a big ship, and when we work together and respect each other, that's when the ship gets safely home.

  Victor Melling : [as the audience applauds]  Terrific answer! DAMMIT!

• Victor Melling : Don't pick your feet up. Why are you picking your feet up?

  Gracie Hart : Because I'm preparing to run away!

• Victor Melling : There are no words.

• Gracie Hart : Ok, with all due respect here, why did Miss Morningside suggest you?

  Victor Melling : Because I am the best... they had their Southern belles, their Midwestern farmers' daughters, spunky western cowgirls, and I have... dirty Harriet!

• Victor Melling : I knew I'd never get you here, unless you had the chance to shoot someone.