Blackadder Back & Forth (1999)

Stephen Fry: All Melchetts, Wellington

Photos 

Quotes 

• George : Well you certainly won the bet, Blackadder. Here's your 10,000 francs...

  Blackadder : What do you mean, "francs?"

  George : What do you mean "What do I mean, 'francs'?"

  Darling : We've been using francs for over 200 years.

  Melchett : Yes, ever since Wellington lost the battle of Waterloo.

• [seeing the time machine for the first time] 

  Melchett : Well, glaze my nipples and call me Rita!

• Blackadder : And here is a front page of Macbeth, signed by William Shakespeare himself.

  Lady Elizabeth , George , Darling : Who?

  Melchett : Oh, come on, you know this... he's the fellow who invented the ball-point pen.

• [Blackadder, on pain of death, must produce a present for Elizabeth I. He opens his wallet and shows the queen some plastic cards] 

  Blackadder : Now these may not look much.

  Queen Elizabeth : They don't.

  Blackadder : [nervously]  No, but... umm... umm... well, well let's say... let's say... let's say that there was a place where you could buy absolutely everything.

  Melchett : [laughing]  We already have those Blackadder and they're called markets.

  Blackadder : Right, right. Well, imagine that but times ten. As it were a "super" market.

  Blackadder : [holds up a blue Tesco Clubcard]  Now if you gave someone at one of these "super" markets this... he would give you some "bonus points". Which would mean that once a month you could buy a tin of baked beans at half the normal price.

  Queen Elizabeth : Kill him.

• [first lines] 

  George : Well isn't this splendid and absolutely tufty? New years eve 1999. A new century and a new millennium. Let's drink a great big slurpy toast to peace and understanding around the globe.

  Melchett : Bravo! After all, if history teaches us anything, its that in in the words of St. Burt, what the world needs now is love, sweet love.

  Blackadder : Total codswallop. If history teaches us anything, it's that the story of man is one long round of death and torture. And burning people as witches just because they've got a wart.

• Queen Elizabeth : Ah, Lord Blackadder.

  Blackadder : [stunned]  Elizabeth... the first?

  Queen Elizabeth : You're wearing very weird clothes. And you're looking rather old and ugly, actually.

  Blackadder : Is that right?

  Queen Elizabeth : Of course I'm right, I'm always right!

  Nursie : Of course it's right!

  Queen Elizabeth : Melchie?

  Melchie : M'am.

  Queen Elizabeth : Edmund is being very cheeky. Shall I laugh at him or chop his ugly head off?

  Melchie : Well one hates to be harsh, m'am, but I do think a bit of choppy choppy is the only apt reaction.

  Queen Elizabeth : Very well then. Kill him!

• Blackadder : [Blackadder, on pain of death, must produce a present for Elizabeth I. He opens his wallet and shows the queen some plastic cards]  Now these may not look much.

  Queen Elizabeth : They don't.

  Blackadder : [Nervously]  No, but... umm... umm... well, well let's say... let's say... let's say that there was a place where you could buy absolutely everything.

  Melchett : [laughing]  We already have those Blackadder and they're called markets.

  Blackadder : Right, right! Well, imagine that but times ten! As it were a "super" market.

  Blackadder : [Holds up a blue Tesco Clubcard]  Now if you gave someone at one of these "super" markets this... he would give you some "bonus points". Which would mean that once a month you could buy a tin of baked beans at half the normal price.

  Queen Elizabeth : Kill him!