Dennis Miller: Self

Quotes 

• Dennis Miller : Michael Jackson is set to marry Lisa Marie Presley this week. The difference in religion is not expected to be an issue since she's a Scientologist and he's a science experiment.

• Dennis Miller : I saw hamlet at the Globe Theater. Notice I didn't say I heard it. Some asshole with a whooping cough was right behind me. Hey lung chunks, if you're sick, stay the fuck home!

• Dennis Miller : O.J. Simpson was found not guilty for the murder of his wife and her friend. Hey, you think you're surprised? God lost twenty bucks!

• Dennis Miller : [During the 1860 segment]  In reaction to a federal law freeing the slaves, South Carolina announced today that it is succeeding from the union in order to maintain their slave-based economy. The announcement was made by South Carolina governor Strom Thurmond.

• Dennis Miller : [His line for a picture of a 1970s era gas pump with signs saying "NO GAS" and "$3 LIMIT"]  Frustrated at being unable to buy gas for third day in a row, Wallace decided it was time to see if an AMC Pacer would run on hangover pee!

• Dennis Miller : [His line for a picture of about 4 soldiers looking down into a fox hole]  Private Smith has been caught masterbating in his fox hole before, but never like this.

• Dennis Miller : Why is it called the European "theatre"? It isn't like the good seats are up front, aren't they.

• Dennis Miller : [His line for a picture of Joseph McCarthy appearing to have just blown his nose and the Kleenex is still close to his face]  "Hiya, little booger. Are you a communist?"

• Dennis Miller : You know, for a guy who hates Russians, McCarthy sure as hell drinks like one, doesn't he! And believe me, the only red this guy knows anything about is Johnnie Walker!

• Dennis Miller : [During the1900-1929 part]  Do you realize now you can pick up a phone and call anyone in the country? Yeah, now people I wouldn't let anywhere near my home have somehow found a way *inside* of it.

• Dennis Miller : [During the 1900-1929 segment, he shows off the watch on his wrist]  You see this? It's a new self-winding watch that actually winds itself when you shake your wrist. You know my wife went out of town the other week, so now I'm wound about 25 years ahead.

  [after the laughter dies down] 

  Dennis Miller : The cusp of the 20th century; the birth of masturbation.

• Dennis Miller : [During the 1900-1929 segment, "The Big Picture" is called "The Big Easel". As he walked over to it, a girl dressed as a 1920s flapper walks up, takes the front card off, then walks away wordlessly] 

  [to her] 

  Dennis Miller : Thank you, Vanna.