Gilmore Girls (2000–2007)

Todd Lowe: Zack Van Gerbig, Zack

Photos 

Quotes 

• Zach : [sings]  "A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing." Dude, what's a bulwark?

  Brian : What?

  Zach : It says, a bulwark never failing.

  Brian : I think it's a wall.

  Zach : Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sounds totally gay.

  Brian : I don't think you're supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a sin or something.

  Zach : Whatever, man. I'm not saying bulwark.

• Zach : Hey, Lorelai, get yourself a wink-winker?

  Lorelai : What?

  Lane : Please erase this from your brain.

  Lorelai : I will definitely try.

• Zach : [singing]  I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see.

  Mrs. Kim : Very nice. You may now take a fifteen-minute break while we finish our tea. Also, good time to retune.

  Brian : Was she looking at me?

  Zach : She wasn't looking at me, dude.

• Lorelai : Boy, you'd think love songs are all you and Lane would wanna play.

  Zach : Man, this crunch just now sounded like the drum-fill in Baba O'Reilly.

  Dave : Yeah, Zach, a musical mouth. That's awesome.

  Zach : But why would Dave and Lane wanna play just love songs?

  Lorelai : Because, I was just thinking, you know, with Dave's name - Dave - you've got the last two letters in love. V, E. And with Lane's name, you have the L. You can just dump the A and add an O and there you go.

• Zach : Dude, Brian's breathing is louder than the song.

  Brian : I've got a deviated septum. All the women in my family and me have it.

  Zach : Well, it's throwing me off.

  Lane : Hold your breath when we're playing, Brian. There, problem solved. Okay, come on, now, let's rock. One, two, three...

  Zach : Wait. The bottom line here is that breathing should not be louder than a rock band. Am I right or am I right?

• Rory : Guys, that was amazing. Really, it was awesome.

  Dave : Thanks.

  Zach : Dude, you did good, you really did. But you got a little too close to me when you were singing into the mike.

  Brian : I got as close as I had to.

  Zach : Your nose touched my cheek, man. That's too close.

• Zach : Yeah. Dave, you're a Christian. So what? That's cool.

  Brian : It's nothing to hide.

  Zach : Christians can still rock.

  Dave : They can?

  Lane : Yeah, yeah, Dave. Christians can still rock, don't hide it.

  Zach : Marshall Stacks don't know Christians from atheists.

  Dave : Gosh, I just wasn't sure if you guys would be accepting of my devoutness.

  Brian : Dave, it's a part of you, and we think you're cool, so it's cool.

  Dave : Great. Thanks, guys.

  Zach : But no way are we playing Creed, man.

  Dave : Oh, no, of course not.

  Zach : Or Amy Grant. That's where we draw the line.

• Zach : Whoa, cool.

  Dave : We all finished at the same time.

  Lane : That has never happened.

  Brian : The middle of that song didn't even sound like us.

  Dave : Yeah, it sounded good.

• Dave : What we need is a name.

  Brian : I made my suggestion.

  Zach : Yeah, and we vetoed "The Harry Potters." Next.

  Brian : So yours is better?

  Zach : "Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert" is memorable and classy.

  Brian : I run out of breath every time I say it.

  Zach : You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.

  Dave : Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illnesses.

  Brian : Even without an inhaler, "Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert" is too long.

  Zach : Yeah, but when we get famous, our fans will shorten it to F-T-T-T-E-O-T-D.

• Zach : Welcome to the SH, bitch.

• Zach : [the band are talking about new replacement, Gil]  Right here

  [points to his eyes] 

  Zach : , he's got some lines. That blows my mind.

  Brian : What is he, late thirties?

  Zach : Approaching forty.

  Lane : Forty?

  Brian : He was alive before man walked on the moon.

  Zach : Don't do that, man. You're freaking me out.

  Lane : Let's not be over-dramatic, guys. I mean, he is an incredible guitarist.

  Zach : He's had a lot of time to practice.

  Brian : And the bicentennial - he was alive for that.

  Lane : This is the best we've sounded since Dave, and he's really...

  Zach : Elderly.

  Lane : Excited.

  Brian : He was our age when we were born.

  Lane : He thinks we're great

  Brian : There were no cd's when he was born.

  Zach : Stop it, man. I mean it.

  Lane : Maybe there's a way to offset his oldness. Put a hat on him. Dress him up like Angus Young in AC/DC - that schoolboy outfit.

  Brian : He could have seen AC/DC with their original lead singer.

  Zach : And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old.

  Lane : You want to stop the audition?

  Brian : We shouldn't be rude.

  Lane : Good.

  Zach : Fine, we'll keep going, but remember, any new member has to be approved by all of us. So one vote against, and he's back at bingo.

  Lane : I know.

• Brian : [discussing names for the band]  How about "The We"?

  Zach : We?

  Brian : Yeah. We are "The We."

  Zach : I can't talk about this anymore.

• Zach : Brian's been yammering on about germs and spores for 20 minutes. I'm completely freaked out to touch a microphone ever again.

  Brian : I'm just saying, at the end of the night, who cleans them?

  Brian : Shut up, Brian.

  Gil : Look, man, I only have the babysitter till 6:00, then it's my turn to drive them to Gymboree.

  Zach : Dude, you promised you wouldn't talk about the parental issue during band practice.

  Gil : We're not having band practice, and it's not a parental issue. It's being part of the cycle of life, and that, my friend, is pure rock 'n' roll.

  Zach : Go join "The Polyphonic Spree," you fruitcake.

  Brian : I'm just saying my bass strap has a smell.

• Zach : Hey, you guys are not gonna believe this.

  Liza : You're Mr. Announcement Guy today.

  Zach : What, are you going to pipe in every time I talk?

  Liza : Can it.

  Zach : Stuff it.

  Lorelai : They're in love.

  Sooke : Clearly.