Evil Dead: Hail to the King (2000 Video Game)
Bruce Campbell: Ash, Evil Ash
Quotes
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Ash : Woo! Inbred and undead.
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[upon seeing a possessed tree]
Ash : Yo, tree-bitch! Let's go.
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Ash : Groovy!
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Ash : Okay, dark tunnel. Probably evil. That's convenient.
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Ash : Hail to the king!
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Ash : Who's laughing now, you primitive screwhead?
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Ash : Good, bad, I'm the Ash with the chainsaw.
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Father Allard : The pages, did you find them?
Ash : I got your stupid pages, now what's next? What do we gotta do to get my girl back?
Father Allard : Our work's not yet done. You must help me get into my church.
Ash : Our work? Oh that's a good one Padre
Father Allard : What are you implying?
Ash : I've been doing the work around here chump! I got your pages, now why the church?
Father Allard : Inside is the path to the Kandarian dagger. An artifact of great power, used with the Necronomicon. We can banish the evil once and for all! But I haven't been able to get past the doors.
Ash : Oh, so it's good ol' Ash to the rescue again, huh?
Father Allard : Enough! Find away inside the church, I thought I heard a woman scream.
Ash : Hey, woah! Why didn't you do something?
Father Allard : I told you, something's been blocking the doors. And I'm weakened from...
Ash : Yeah yeah, look spare me your boo-hooing ok? I've heard it all before. Look ,I'll get inside, but you better hope Jenny's all right!
Father Allard : Once I see you're inside, I'll... catch up to you.
Ash : Don't do me any favours.
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Abdul Alzeez : Oh, I'm getting to old for this.
Ash : Yeah, yeah, look we're here. Finally, now tell me what's going on. Why is all this happening?
Abdul Alzeez : I fear your dark self is atempting to finish what the guild began. To bring the dark ones back to this world to reign over man. Your Jenny will be sacrificed as part of the ritual, to open the gateway to their realm.
Ash : Sacrificed? What, where's this gateway you're talking about?
Abdul Alzeez : Here in the lair. This place is built around the worlds of a temple once inhabited by the dark ones. When they ruled the earth long ago, here they uncovered the portal to the Cathedral of the Dead, the gateway between our worlds. But to enter we need the Dark Sign. It serves as a key.
Ash : Uh huh, point the way.
Abdul Alzeez : There, in the catacombs. But first you will a familiar to retrieve the sign.
Ash : Oh come on, why can't I just go and get it?
Abdul Alzeez : Fool! The catacombs are filled with such things that your mind would be seared, at a mear glance!
Ash : Uh huh. Ok, will I guess I'm going to have to go with you on this one.
Abdul Alzeez : Go into the lab and retrieve one of the familiars, while I begin work on the remaining translations. Move carefully, guards may still remain.
Ash : Oh, those half invisible guys, yeah, yeah, right about the back at the temple. See? I'm not as dumb as I look!
Abdul Alzeez : But I didn't...
Ash : Shut it, ok? Just shut it.
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Abdul Alzeez : Where is the familiar?
Ash : I killed em.
Abdul Alzeez : All of them?
Ash : They attacked me!
Abdul Alzeez : Those creatures were some from worlds beyond. They were the product worth of years of arcane research!
Ash : What, is there an echo in there? They attacked me!
Abdul Alzeez : And what is this you brought me?
Ash : Oh, that's my hand.
Abdul Alzeez : Your actual hand? Fancinating!
Ash : Oh yeah, real peachy
Ash : Now come on, what do we gotta do to get the sign?
Abdul Alzeez : It is possible. Yees, I might be able to grant you control assorts over your hand, given the proper spell...
Ash : And, you got that spell handy? Oops, sorry.
Abdul Alzeez : For what?
Ash : Never mind.
Abdul Alzeez : The spell is in sanctum santorum of the library. I was never allowed inside, you will have to figure out how to enter.
Ash : Naturally.
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Evil Ash : Well, look who finally made it, and just in time.
Ash : This is between you and me pal, let the girl go!
Evil Ash : Oh no, this is between the three of us. Once the portal is opened, she'll be consumed by the dark ones, then the cross over will begin. As for you, your death will be my calling card. You see the prophecy is actually very important to them.
Ash : Oh, you mean the prophecy where I kill you and stop the dark ones for coming over?
Evil Ash : Semantics. Either way, we'll all be pleased to see you... dead!
Ash : Oh yeah right! You think those things will make you some sort of god while I'm gone? I've got words for you pal, you're crazy!
Evil Ash : Not crazy, just bad.
Ash : Good, bad, I'm the Ash with the chainsaw.
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Ash : [after finally catching his evil hand] Ha ha ha! Got you now, you little sucker!
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Ash : [looking at a puzzle that looks too complicated to solve] On second thought, specify this!
[blows puzzle with his shotgun]
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Merchant : You, you are him!
Ash : Him? Him who?
Merchant : The one Alzeez spoke of! The warrior from the sky!
Ash : Uh huh. Hey, where am I?
Merchant : Damascus, in the year seven hundred thirty.
Ash : Seven thirty? Great, round two with the primitives. Hey you see two other people land around here? A girl and a guy, guy's my height, my weight, kinda good lookin?
Merchant : Yes, the two others fell during the rain of trinkets. They were taking the guild temple. Soon after the mad poet, Abdul Alzeez, was cast out into the guild and thrown into jail. He spoke of your arrival, most thought him to be insane.
Ash : Guild? What the... look never mind. Where can I find this Alzeez fellow?
Merchant : He awaits execution in the jail, but the bridge is out and the minions of the guild roam free about the town. I must go. I shouldn't be seen talking to you, but here me warrior. Tred carefully, an unholy evil sweeps across the land.
Ash : Yeah, so what else is new?
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Ash : Yo, Zeez baby listen up! Back away from the door and I'll have you outta there in a jiff.
[sticks the home made dynamite in the cell door and blows the door successfully]
Ash : Uh, hello? You can get up now. Ok, now let's get one thing straight spinach-chin, I still don't like this whole "I wrote the book of the dead" thing. So if you as so much as look at me funny, I'll saw you in half so fast, it'll make your head spin!
Abdul Alzeez : I mean you no harm. As I was saying before, the Necronomicon's a source of immense power. One can summon the un-holiest of evils, cross dimensions and command an army of deadites. But within it's pages, also lie are the secrets to banishing the evil forever!
Ash : Uh huh, so let me guess. You wrote the bad part first and never finished the good part?
Abdul Alzeez : Precisely. There's not much time, we should walk and talk.
[later at the entrance of the temple]
Abdul Alzeez : The celestrial temple. Once used by the most noble scholars in Damascus, it is now a place for the guild to study and prepare for the dark ones. Inside are my notes, you will need to retrieve in order for me to complete the book.
Ash : And I suppose these notes of yours will be completly unguarded and I won't have any trouble finding it.
Abdul Alzeez : The water, you must also shut down it's supply. We need to clear the passage ways.
Ash : Okay enough! The other "me" already has the book, not to mention my girl and now you're babbling about some kind of water? You're pissing me off, old man! What gives?
Abdul Alzeez : Even with completed book, they still lack one crucial component.
Ash : Oh yeah? What's that?
Abdul Alzeez : Me. I was the only one not driven entirely insane by the translations. Those with less knowledge of the book, know not of what it contains.
Ash : Blah blah blah, look let's just get to the point gramps! You keep yacking about the book, the guild, these dark ones, what the hell is going on and why did they take Jenny?
Abdul Alzeez : No time to explain, get inside and retrieve my notes. We will meet here afterwards. I must go now. If they find me here, they'll kill me where I stand!
Ash : Oh yeah, and what do you think they're gonna do to me? Give me a big fat kiss.
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Evil Ash : I may be bad, but I feel good.
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Ash : Come get some.
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Troop Leader : You're a little old to be a Wolverine, but then again, we seem to be runnin' low on new recruits.
Ash : Thanks but no thanks doughboy, my scouting days are over. And so are yours.
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Father Allard : Who's out there? You must leave this place. Now!
Ash : All right, all right, keep your shorts on! Are you that Allard guy?
Father Allard : Yes, I cant believe you survived! I barely made it back here before the woods sealed my exit. Professor Knowby warned me the forest might come to life.
Ash : Yeah yeah yeah, right about ya back at the cabin. Look the professor really screwed things up didn't he?
Father Allard : His soul is restless. The events he caused in life way heavenly beyond even death, I've been searching for a way to stop the evil he unleashed.
Ash : Well, we all have our problems. Listen, you have the book, right?
Father Allard : Yes, but there are missing pages.
Ash : Yeah yeah, I've been finding them all over.
Father Allard : You have them?
Ash : Yeah, basically.
Father Allard : All five of them?
Ash : Look, maybe I don't have every single page, but you gotta understand how hard it is gettin them.
Father Allard : You must find the remaining pages.
Ash : Woah woah, hold on padre. I'm not your little boy you know. I got my own things to do.
Father Allard : Listen to me, find the pages and bring them here, to me. Our salvation lies within those passages. Here, take these. Maybe they'll help you.
Ash : My car keys. How'd you get em?
Father Allard : From a girl.
Ash : A girl? Must be Jenny, where is she, what happened to her?
Father Allard : I saw her in the woods, taken by the evil. I gave chase, but couldn't keep up. I found these, just before I lost them. She can still be saved, but only if we hurry.
Ash : Ok, so let me guess, you're just gunna hide behind your big gate till I come back, right?
Father Allard : The evil still lurks in the woods. Very dangerous. But now that you over come that tree, it should much easier to navigate
Ash : But still too dangerous for you huh?
Father Allard : Rrright, meet me here when you have the rest of the pages. Now go, quickly!
Ash : Hey, let's get this one thing straight! I don't like being ordered around, ok ya got me padre?
[Ash looks around the big garden, being deserted]
Ash : PADRE? Yeah, nice hat!
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Ash : Ah, so you're that crazy writer guy huh?
Abdul Alzeez : Warrior from the sky! I knew you'd come to save us.
Ash : Hold up a minute, I'm not here to free you, I'm just looking for a couple of friends.
Abdul Alzeez : But you must help me. A great evil is taking over the city and shall consume the entire earth if not stopped.
Ash : Hey hey, one thing at a time. First what's your deal, shmeal?
Abdul Alzeez : I am Abdul Alzeez, or at least once was, we had uncovered the ancient texts of the dark ones, deep within the earth. And I had been translating the passages, as I neared completion of the Necronomicon, I...
Ash : Woah woah woah, hold the phone, stop right there! YOU were the clown who wrote the Necronomicon? Buddy, I outta kill you right here!
Abdul Alzeez : I didn't write it, I only translated it's passages. It's true orgins are not of this earth.
Ash : Listen spinach chin, that damn book has been a pain in my ass for the last eight years!
Abdul Alzeez : I understand. And I warned the guild of it's power, but they banished me. And I had been translated the passages needed to dispell the evil when the other "the one who looks like you" arrived with the girl, he had with him a completed copy of the book.
Ash : So this "guild" didn't need you anymore huh? He just threw you in here to what, shut you up?
Abdul Alzeez : Precisly. And now you're dark half is helping them. They have no idea what they're about to do, and the girl is in great danger. You must free me so I can complete my work. It is the prophecy.
Ash : Why should I help you? You cost me my friends, my sanity, my hand. I walk with a limp thanks to you gramps!
Abdul Alzeez : If not for mankind, then for the girl.
Ash : All right. I'll get you outta here, but no funny stuff, you got that gramps? Now what do we gotta do to bust you out?
Abdul Alzeez : The marketplace. Find the merchants, mention the white scimitar, they will know of what you speak. Now go!
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[prologue]
Ash : Am I insane? I wouldn't necessarily say I'm crazy. Simply because I've heard the voices and battled the godless things in the woods. But I *must* be crazy to believe. It all started with that damn book, the necronomicon ex-mortis. Roughly translated: the book... of the dead. Inked in human blood and bound in flesh, the book contained bizarre burial rights, prophecies and demon reserection passages. Professor Raymond Knowby unearthed the book and brought it to this remote cabin to translate it. He awoke something dark in the woods, something... evil. It got the professor. Then... it came for me. It got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist. The professor's daughter, Penny, helped me fight the evil. We used the book to open a vortex to send the evil back. It worked... big time. The girl died and I got a first class ticket to the 12th century. I led a war against an army of deadites, then I used the book to send me back home. Back to deerborn. I even got my old job back. Not to mention, I got a great gal, Jenny, assistant manager, arts and crafts. We were a perfect match. But then, the nightmares came. For years they haunted me, even when I was awake. Jenny thought I was crazy, but she agreed to help. We decided to go back to the cabin, back to where it all started. She said it would be good to face my fears. Big mistake...
