Cats & Dogs (2001)
Tobey Maguire: Lou
Photos
Quotes
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Lou : I'm on to you, kitty, and you're in big trouble!
Russian Blue : I think not, baby puppy. It is you who is in trouble!
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Lou : I think that if I'm going to be a secret agent, I should have a better name. I was thinking, "Toto Annihilation".
Peek : Nah, he's a pro wrestler. Sorry, that name's taken.
Lou : Alright then, "Doom Machine" it is!
Butch : Hey! You can call yourself Squicky the Spacedog for all I care, but that don't make your behind a rocket pack. You are *not* an agent, but you *are* gonna help us.
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Lou : I changed my mind... call me the Claw of Ling Chow!
Ninja Cat #3 : Ling Chow this!
[kicks Lou]
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[Lou and the Russian cat are rolling on the floor fighting]
Lou : Get off me, you furball!
Russian Blue : You fight like a poodle.
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Lou : Well, Miss Challenged, I'm sorry, but I think you gotta leave. My orders are clear. I -...
Ivy, the Female Alley Dog : Orders?
Lou : That's right. I'm a secret agent.
Ivy, the Female Alley Dog : An agent? Why, you're a little small for an agent. Shouldn't you be busy having fun?
Lou : I don't have time for fun.
Ivy, the Female Alley Dog : Ew! Tough guy.
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Butch : Okay, what do we got?
Peek : It's a kitten, A Russian blue!
Sam : And a number 2 in sector three.
Lou : Was she crazy? That steamer was bigger than me.
Butch : Nice work kid, you're sitting this one out. Sam, let me know when she leaves.
Sam : I don't see her.
Lou : But I was framed. That cat... wait up, I want to help.
Sam : [Mrs Brody opens the front door and sees Peek and Sam] Look out. Human, sector four.
Peek : Human! Quick Sam, smell my butt.
Mrs. Mom Brody : Alright, break it up! Break it up! Break it up!.
Peek : Cold nose! Cold nose!
Sam : Let's go.
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Lou : You should've fought for me; for my family.
Butch : Why? What good would it do?
Lou : What about man's best friend? History 101, remember?
Butch : Okay, well, here's lesson number two: we help them. We work for them. We tolerate that stupid boochy-boochy baby talk crap. And for WHAT? So that when they go off to college, they can dump you off with some old lady who can't throw a ball without so much as breaking her HIP!
Lou : Is that what happened to you? You're gonna blame my family for what some boy did to you?
Butch : Look, kid, I'm sorry it played out like this, but it's over. We're shut down.
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Mr. Tinkles : Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow. How many dogs does it take to over throw mankind? Just one stupid puppy.
Lou : Where is my family?
Mr. Tinkles : Oh they're alive, for now, but it won't matter, you see I've-
[the limousine swerves all over the road Mr Tinkles hits the left side of the limousine]
Mr. Tinkles : Oh my. This isn't NASCAR you idiot.
[Clears throat]
Mr. Tinkles : I have seized the professor's formula, and in a mere hour I will reverse it, giving me the power to make all humans allergic to dogs.
Butch : What?
[the limousine swerves again]
Mr. Tinkles : How am supposed to gloat gleefully when you're driving like a chimpanzee? I mean, really!
[Clears throat]
Mr. Tinkles : Now I will make all of humanity violently allergic to your wretched kind, and when you are all hated and despised by those you protect, you will be cast out, leaving me to lead all of catkind in a glorious revolution to conquer the world!
[laughs evilly]
Lou : What will we do?
Butch : "We"? You just handed the world back to the cats and doomed the human race forever. There is nothing left to do.
Ivy, the Female Alley Dog : You always give up too easy, Butch.
Butch : Is that what I think it is?
Lou : What, Butch?
Ivy, the Female Alley Dog : Yep, it's the Cat Tracker 2000.
Mr. Tinkles : [the Scene changes. The limousine is driving back to the factory with the professor's Formula] Those fleabags must be running for the hills!
[Chuckles]
Calico : Yeah I- yeah that's what I was thinking.
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Butch : Alright, agent. Let's meet the team.
Lou : 'Agent' - whoa!
Butch : Kid, look over there, that's Peek.
Lou : Peek? I don't get it.
Butch : Peek, show yourself.
[Peek appears from a manhole in a circle see through like tube under a bin]
Lou : Huh? oh my god!
Butch : Peek's early warning, He's got it all, Radar, sonar, thermo-imaging, odor-matrix. He can detect any non-residential cat within a three-block radius.
Peek : Hi guys.
Butch : Peek, fall in.
Peek : Roger that.
Butch : Sam, what's your twenty?
Sam : 1/18 of a klick east, I'm going to backtrack using a delta approach in three... two... one.
[Sam moves from bush to bush]
Peek : Hi guys. Oh no, not again.
Sam : Where am I?
[Sam then rolls over to half way of the road]
Butch : Over here Sam.
[Sam then meets up with the others]
Sam : Request, permission to pant, heavily, sir
Butch : Granted. Boys, I want you to meet Lou.
Peek : Hey Louie
Sam : Hey Lou
Peek : Human!
[as the the jogger jogs past she sees Butch near a fire hydrant, Peek digging in the ground and Sam holding a newspaper in his mouth]
Butch : Anyway, Lou here taking Buddy's spot in the hot seat, but being fresh from the academy, he's current on the newest techniques, ain't you Lou?
Lou : Err, Hey guys, do you know this one? Here I go, here I go, I got ya, oh I just missed ya.
[Lou chases his tail]
Butch : Holy Chihuahua.
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Ivy, the Female Alley Dog : [Ivy is ticking Lou's belly] Stop with the agent stuff okay? You got your very own kid to play with. Don't take it for granted.
[she stops and walks away Lou gets up]
Lou : Wow. Hey! Where you going? Could you do that again?
[Ivy stops and looks back]
Ivy, the Female Alley Dog : Next time the boy talks to you, just tilt your head and perk up your ears. You'll see what I'm talking about. And do me a favor, tell Butch Ivy's back in town.
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Lou : [Lou has been taken outside my Scotty] Okay, here's the plan: Get off this patio. Get back to the barn. Get a better pitchfork. Huh?
[Lou sees a bone with balloons floating to the ground]
Lou : Cool...
[He walks up to the bone once it lands and is about to touch it when he is interrupted by Butch]
Butch : I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Lou : Huh? What?
Butch : I like your spirit kid. But do me a favor and step back.
Lou : Hey wait, that's my biscuit...
[Lou steps back and Butch kicks a stick to the bone causing it to explode]
Lou : ... bone!
Butch : Now, that would've been the shortest assignment in history.
[walks off]
Lou : Whoa... Hey where you're going?
Butch : I guess HQ don't train you guys like they used to.
Lou : Training? Hey, hey. Who exactly are you?
Butch : Name's Butch. What stupid name did the bipeds saddle you with? Spot? Fifi? Rover?
Lou : Lou.
Butch : God forbid. Oh, Lou? Sorry.
Lou : Is that kid always so grumpy? Maybe they should switch his food.
[laughs]
Butch : Yeah, humans can get a little emotional. You'll get used to it, come on.
[Lou and Butch walk into a dog house. Butch presses a red button which makes devices come out of the walls]
Lou : Huh? Where's that coming from? Whoa... cool...
Butch : What? It's standard equipment. You got your EC-three vid-phone, research archive database, cipher charts, snausages.
Lou : [Lou sees a big red button] Hey, what's this?
Butch : Heel! That's the big button. You don't just *press* the big button! Jeez.
Lou : Sorry.
Butch : Just try to remember your training
[Butch sighs]
Butch : Let's get started. Here's the skinny: Your new master's a scientist. He's been working for a few years now. He's been working on a cure for dog allergies. It's a big deal, because if no one in the world was allergic to dogs, we'd have the advantage. This was your predecessor: Agent: AIKA Buddy. He was catnapped about a mouth ago. Wasn't on top of his game, so he had to retire. He got a nice condo in Boca, huh! Lucky dog. Anyway you're here to replace him, and to keep the cats away from the formula. Can't let them near that... Now come on.
