Wet Hot American Summer (2001)

Amy Poehler: Susie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Susie : You guys, I'm really going to miss this place.

  Coop : Me too.

  Ben : Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today, we'll meet again, and we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into.

  Susie : Yeah!

  Ben : What time do you wanna meet?

  J.J. : You mean ten years from now?

  Coop : Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it.

  Susie : Okay, so what is it? Is it like 9:00? 9:30?

  Coop : Well, let's say 9:00, that way we can be here by 9:30.

  McKinley : Well, no, why don't we say 9:30, and then make it your beeswax to be here by 9:30? I mean, we'll all be in our late 20s by then. I just don't see any reason why we can't be places on time.

  Gary : Okay, then, it's settled. 9:30 it is. All agreed?

  Together : Agreed.

  McKinley : Good, because I have something at 11:00.

  Gary : You just have like a trapper-keeper full of appointments, right?

  McKinley : No, I just have something at 11:00, and I can't change it, because I already moved it twice.

• Susie : Before we start, I'd just like to say the campers you're about to see suck dick! But nevertheless, please welcome them.

• Susie : [angry that Beth has invited Steve to take part in the talent show]  Beth, I may regret saying this, but how dare you usurp my authority as producer...

  Ben : Hmph!

  Susie : ...director-slash-choreographer of the talent show. I need you to know I have been busting my *balls*, woman! I am telling you, the musical numbers are a mess, my kids are a bunch of amateurs, and the last thing I need today is some diabetic freak prancing around on stage making my life a living *hell*!

  Susie : [after a long pause and a glare from Beth]  All right; I'll put him on last.

  Beth : Good.

  [Beth walks away] 

  Susie : [to Ben]  Oh, she always wins!

• Susie : OK, stop. I feel like I'm watching regional theatre, you guys. God! Am I in the Cleveland Playhouse or something? Your craft is a muscle, you need to exercise it. Take a break; think about what you've done.

• Susie : Hey you guys, everybody focus up, okay? All eyes here. I would like to announce that Ben and I are planning to produce a musical number from Godspell for the musical tonight.

  [Ben makes a sound] 

  Susie : I'm sorry, Ben is producing. I am directing/choreographing.

  Ben : I'm only speaking from personal experience, but if you can't carry a tune, don't come into the audition environment and waste our time. For serious, okay?

  Susie : Okay, and bring a lot of movement clothes, AKA jazz shoes, dance belts, Lycras, et al. And seriously, FYI, you guys, this is not an excuse to get out of your regular activities. This is an excuse to do some good musical theatre. So be prepared, be enthusiastic, and leave your bullshit attitude and baggage at the door because we don't need it!

• Standup Comic : White folks sound so stupid when they get mad. They be like "hey asshole, I'm going to kick your b-hind." But the brothers won't even need to raise their voice. These motherfuckers be like "don't make me say it twice."

  Susie : [to Ben]  That's true, that's true.

  McKinley : [to J.J. and Aaron, while laughing]  *I hate white people*!