Star Trek: Enterprise (2001–2005)

Scott Bakula: Capt. Jonathan Archer, Cmdr. Jonathan Archer

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Quotes 

• Captain Jean-Luc Picard : [the final lines in the show]  Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission...

  Captain James T. Kirk : ...to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations...

  Captain Archer : ...to boldly go where no man has gone before.

• [observing an unconscious Klingon pilot] 

  Admiral Leonard : He's a Kling-ot.

  Tos : A Kling-on.

  Captain Archer : Where'd he come from?

  Commander Williams : Oklahoma.

• [after finding a ship from the future with a corpse in it that has both human and Vulcan genes, T'Pol has to make a report for the Vulcan High Command] 

  Captain Archer : I wonder... if they'll believe that humans and Vulcans will be... swapping chromosomes one day.

  Subcommander T'Pol : They're more likely to believe in time travel.

• [Archer is being interrogated violently by a Reptilian] 

  Captain Archer : I'll bet you didn't know this, but at one time, most of my world was ruled by reptiles.

  Commander Dolum : I wasn't aware of that.

  Captain Archer : A comet hit around 65 million years ago caused a mass extinction. Most of the reptiles died out. Mammals became the dominant species.

  Commander Dolum : How unfortunate.

  Captain Archer : Still, the reptiles might have come out on top, if it hadn't been for a slight disadvantage.

  Commander Dolum : And what was that?

  Captain Archer : They had brains the size of a walnut. That's very small. Apparently, it's a constant in the universe.

  Commander Dolum : [resisting the urge to strangle Archer]  Earth vessels... how many?

  Captain Archer : The reptiles didn't all die out. Some evolved into snakes, alligators, turtles. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite restaurants in San Francisco makes the most wonderful turtle soup. You should try it sometimes if you're ever in the area.

  Commander Dolum : [putting his hand to Archer's throat]  You want me to kill you?

  Captain Archer : Just making conversation.

• [to T'Pol] 

  Captain Archer : You have no idea how much I'm restraining myself from knocking you on your ass.

• Captain Archer : [after using a "phase pistol" for the first time]  Well, I guess stun works.

• Captain Archer : [Archer and T'Pol are being stalked by a large, ravenous Vulcan sehlat]  How long before it starts to lose interest in us?

  Subcommander T'Pol : Days, at least. They're very persistent creatures. When I was a child I had one as a pet.

  Captain Archer : You had one of those?

  Subcommander T'Pol : Domesticated. They're smaller... slightly.

  Captain Archer : How slightly?

  Subcommander T'Pol : You have Porthos.

  [referring to Captain Archer's pet beagle] 

  Captain Archer : Porthos doesn't try and eat me when I'm late with his dinner.

  Subcommander T'Pol : Vulcan children are *never* late with their sehlat's dinner.

  Captain Archer : I can believe that.

• Captain Archer : You missed T'Pol's latest battle with chopsticks.

  Commander Tucker : Darn. Dinner and a show.

• Subcommander T'Pol : The Earth cargo ship Fortunate. Y-class freighter. Maximum speed: warp one point eight. Crew complement: twenty-three.

  Travis Mayweather : Not counting newborn babies.

  Captain Archer : Ensign?

  Travis Mayweather : I grew up on a J-class, a little smaller but the same basic design. And one thing I can tell you is that at warp one point eight, you've got a lot of time on your hands between ports. That's how my parents wound up with me.

  Subcommander T'Pol : Do you have any helpful information on this vessel beyond its recreational activities?

• Captain Archer : I've always been much better at avoiding farewells than giving them, so I'm not even gonna try. But I'm going to ask all of you to think back to the day when this ship was first launched. We were explorers then. When all this is over, when Earth is safe, I want you to get back to that job. There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy. We've only explored a tiny fraction of them. We have a lot to do. Of all the captains that'll sit in this chair, I can't imagine any of them being more proud than I am right now.

• Bu'kaH : I've never seen your kind before, but you have made an enemy of the Klingon Empire.

  Captain Archer : From what I've noticed, that's not hard to do.

• [Archer, T'Pol and Ambassador Soval are hiding from hostile Andorians] 

  Captain Archer : No offense, but my ears are less likely to draw fire then yours.

  Vulcan Ambassador Soval : [to T'Pol]  What is their fixation with our ears?

  Subcommander T'Pol : I believe they are envious.

• Captain Archer : We should be entering the nebula.

  Subcommander T'Pol : The readings could be misleading.

  Captain Archer : As Dr. Phlox would say - optimism.

  Subcommander T'Pol : Optimism doesn't alter the laws of physics.

• Captain Archer : Am I sensing concern? Last I checked, that was considered an emotion.

• Captain Archer : What's the matter? No genetic tricks to keep you from getting knocked on your butt?

• [Eating a piece of cheese while talking to his dog, Porthos] 

  Captain Archer : You know that you and cheddar don't get along.

• Commander Dolum : You don't want to know my specialty!

  Captain Archer : Let me guess... stinking up the room?

• Captain Archer : I hope nobody's in a hurry to get back home... Starfleet seems to think we're ready to begin our mission.

• Sarin : The Cabal doesn't make decisions on its own. They're simply soldiers... fighting a Temporal Cold War.

  Captain Archer : Temporal? You've lost me.

• Captain Archer : You're from 900 years in the future, and you need MY help?

• Dr. Arik Soong : Oh, Commander Tucker, I'm so sorry about the loss of your "Vulcan" friend.

  Captain Archer : That's enough!

• Captain Archer : I believe someone once defined a compromise as a solution that neither side is happy with.

  Shran : In that case, these talks have been extremely successful.

• [Silik is trying to operate his time-travel device, when Archer suddenly appears and attacks him] 

  Captain Archer : I said, you're an ugly BASTARD.

• Captain Archer : When I used to dream about this mission, the last thing I envisioned was having a Vulcan onboard who continuously sucked the air out of the room.

• [on a planet with a toxic atmosphere] 

  Captain Archer : [to Reed]  Try not to breathe.

• [the evil Archer and Hoshi from the Mirror Universe have learned of a parallel universe] 

  Captain Archer : Instead of building an empire, Earth became part of an interspecies alliance.

  Ensign Hoshi Sato : [reading]  The United Federation of Planets.

  Captain Archer : More like a Federation of Fools.

• Captain Archer : [in the Mirror Universe]  Great men are not peacemakers, great men are conquerors!

• Captain Archer : Enterprise was designed to be a ship of exploration.

  Degra : If we're successful, it will be again.

• [Archer and T'Pol are tied back-to-back to each other] 

  Captain Archer : Houdini could get out of this.

  Subcommander T'Pol : Perhaps you should invite him on your next mission.

• [T'Pol is lying in sick bay after saving a Vulcan Captain's life] 

  Captain Archer : [to Vulcan Captain]  I know how you must feel. She saved my life once too. She can be a real pain-in-the-ass. Stubborn, arrogant. Sometimes, she makes me angry enough, I want to shove her out of an airlock. I can understand why the High Command is upset. But it took a lot of courage to step in front of that plasma bullet. Do you really want to take her back home in disgrace?

• Captain Archer : Remind me to stop trying to help people.

• Captain Archer : [after being ranted at by a female Klingon he's trying to help]  Remind me to stop trying to help people.

• Dr. Phlox : The will of the patient is the cornerstone of Denobulan medical ethics.

  Captain Archer : Don't you believe if you can help someone, you're ethically bound to do so?

  Dr. Phlox : Hippocrates wasn't Denobulan.

• Captain Archer : One thing I learned from A.G.: you're never gonna get anywhere without taking risks.

  Subcommander T'Pol : You obviously admired this man.

  Captain Archer : Quite a bit.

  Subcommander T'Pol : And yet he cracked your molar.

  Captain Archer : [sniggers]  Humans can have funny ways of forming friendships.

  Subcommander T'Pol : To say the least.

• [Subcommander T'Pol is leaving the Enterprise] 

  Commander Tucker : You're gonna miss her, aren't you?

  Captain Archer : When they first assigned her, I felt like strangling Soval.

  Commander Tucker : She does kinda grow on you.

• [Archer and Robinson are making an illegal warp flight] 

  Captain Archer : [over the radio]  NX-Beta to Commodore Forrest. You might wanna check your sensors. You'll see were holding steady at 2.5.

  Admiral Maxwell Forrest : Congratulations. Now get the hell back here!

• [Archer is obsessed with writing a preface for the biography of his father, and recites the first page to Cmr. Tucker] 

  Captain Archer : What do you think?

  Commander Tucker : Sounds good.

  Captain Archer : Let me read you the rest.

  Commander Tucker : I really need to get to work on this.

  Captain Archer : It's just a few more pages!

  Commander Tucker : How many more?

  Captain Archer : Nineteen.

  Commander Tucker : *Nineteen*? Are you writing the preface or the book?

  Captain Archer : [agitated]  I've got a lot to say!

  Commander Tucker : No kidding!

  Captain Archer : [agitated]  What's that supposed to mean?

  Commander Tucker : If I may, sir... it's a little long-winded.

  Captain Archer : [highly insulted]  You're lucky you're a decent engineer, because you obviously don't know anything about writing!

  Commander Tucker : [agitated]  I'm not the only one!

• [Archer, Tucker and Reed are highly agitated from a nearby radiation source] 

  Commander Tucker : [showing Archer his schematics for the new Captain's chair]  You might want to see this, sir! Interactive status displays, secondary helm control. It's even got inertial micro-dampers. The ship could be shakin' apart and you'd hardly feel a thing!

  Lt. Reed : [frustrated]  You ignored a Tactical Alert for this?

  Commander Tucker : [ignores Reed]  I want to run some colours by you for the head rest.

  Lt. Reed : This is all a big joke to you!

  Commander Tucker : [to Reed]  Give it a rest!

  Lt. Reed : This isn't a bloody pleasure cruise! Without proper discipline on this ship, this mission is doomed!

  Commander Tucker : [highly annoyed]  Why don't you play soldier somewhere else?

  Lt. Reed : [with suppressed anger]  If this were a military situation, you'd be taken out and shot!

  [Tucker and Reed start fighting] 

  Captain Archer : Hey!

  [he breaks them apart, then slams Tucker against the wall.] 

  Captain Archer : I don't care what colour the headrest is, or whether it can serve me ice-tea! I just want to sit when I'm on duty!

  [releases Tucker, then slams Reed against the wall.] 

  Captain Archer : And if I hear that alarm one more time, I may have *you* taken out and shot!

  [releases Reed, then turns to T'Pol.] 

  Captain Archer : Unless there's a *real* emergency, like a reactor breach, I don't want to be disturbed!

• Captain Archer : [while wading through a sewer]  Sewage takes on a whole new meaning when it comes from a dozen different species.

  Kessick : 31, to be exact.

• [Hoshi is left in the company of a stranger] 

  Captain Archer : Do I have to tell you to stay on your toes?

  Ensign Hoshi Sato : I think that falls under the goes-without-saying category, sir.

  Captain Archer : Did you bring a phase-pistol?

  Ensign Hoshi Sato : I'll keep it under my pillow.

• Captain Archer : Remember that proto-star we ran across last week?

  Commander Tucker : Yeah.

  Captain Archer : I'm not seeing it here.

  [indicating a Vulcan star chart] 

  Commander Tucker : Are you saying those Vulcan star charts aren't all that accurate? Well, if that's true, good luck getting them to admit it.

• [Archer wants to visit the Vulcan monastery at P'Jem] 

  Captain Archer : How d'you think they'd feel about a visit?

  Subcommander T'Pol : P'Jem is a place of quiet contemplation, captain. I'm not certain we'd be welcome.

  Commander Tucker : It's because Vulcans think we smell bad, isn't it?

• Captain Archer : [after hearing the rules for visiting a Vulcan monastery]  I thought Starfleet training was tough.

• Captain Archer : So if anyone has a suggestion, I'm all ears...

  [realizing there are Vulcans in the room] 

  Captain Archer : No offense.

• Captain Archer : Take your Vulcan cynicism and bury it with your repressed emotions.