- [Snake and Eddie are riding in the hi-jacked police car; and Eddie is coming up to the two main Airport signs]
- Eddie: Okay, we gotta pick a road. Arrivals or departures? We're arriving, but then we're departing. Which one, Snake?
- Snake: What do you think?
- Jenny Herk: I think you guys should turn yourselves in and plead not guilty by reason of stupidity.
- Snake: [looks at the signs] Departures.
- [last lines]
- Arthur Herk: Make her stop! God in heaven! Make her stop! She wants my soul!
- Martha Stewart: Arugula! Arugula! Arrrrrrrrugula!
- Arthur Herk: [making an opinion on who might have shot his TV] I'll tell you who did it. It's probably some goddamn kids. 'Cause these goddamn kids today, they all got goddamn guns, and they're all sniffing glue!
- Officer Monica Romero: Any additional insights, Mr. Herk? Any information can help us to protect you.
- Arthur Herk: I seriously doubt that you or any other member of the police force in this town could protect their own dicks with both hands.
- Officer Monica Romero: Thank you for that observation.
- Leonard: Look at this thing. He's the size of a Buick.
- Henry Desalvo: She.
- Leonard: She what?
- Henry Desalvo: The mosquito is a she.
- Leonard: How the hell can you tell that?
- Henry Desalvo: Discovery Channel. Only the female mosquito sucks your blood.
- Leonard: Sounds like my ex-wife. Bitch.
- Jenny Herk: You, don't look at my ass when I walk away.
- Andrew: I can't make that promise.
- [leaves]
- Andrew: Whoa. "You can squirt me tonight down at Bayside." You're gonna remember that line when you're an old dude, dude.
- Matt Arnold: Are you looking at her ass?
- Andrew: Yeah.
- Leonard: [during their second attempt to kill Arthur] What's happening?
- Henry Desalvo: Well, Moron #1 is tying up the family.
- Leonard: So take the shot.
- Henry Desalvo: I would, but Moron #2 just came back with a couple of Miami's Finest.
- Henry Desalvo: [notices Eliot in the kitchen] Hold on a second. We have a Die Hard situation developing in the kitchen.
- Leonard: What?
- Henry Desalvo: There's a guy there in the kitchen.
- Leonard: A guy? What's he doing?
- Henry Desalvo: Well, my guess is he's either gonna whack em' with a rolling pin or he's gonna bake em' a cake. I don't know. Could go either way with this crew.
- [sees Eliot grab Matt's water pistol]
- Henry Desalvo: Holy shit. Betty Crocker's got a squirt gun!
- Leonard: Let me look!
- Henry Desalvo: Forget about it. This is better than pay-per-view.
- [sees Eliot make the water pistol look like a real gun]
- Henry Desalvo: There goes the warranty, and here comes the Iron Chef.
- Officer Monica Romero: I'm not gonna arrest you, Matt, unless Mrs. Herk wants to press charges.
- Anna Herk: Hey, kids.
- Arthur Herk: I want to press charges! Cuff him!
- Officer Monica Romero: My hands are kind of full right now, what with holding my dick and all.
- Arthur Herk: Oh, my God! She's coming to get me!
- Pat Greer: The dog, Mr. Herk?
- Arthur Herk: No! Her!
- Pat Greer: Who?
- Arthur Herk: You know! Her!
- Martha Stewart: Herk, Herk, Herk! Herk!
- Arthur Herk: Oh, my God, she knows my name... She knows everything! She's come to take my soul!
- Pat Greer: Mr. Herk, this is important...
- Arthur Herk: Please don't let her take my soul!
- Pat Greer: What the hell's he talking about?
- Monica Romero: I don't know.
- Alan Seitz: How close did he get to that toad?
- Monica Romero: Like face first.
- Alan Seitz: Bufotenin. Hell of a hallucination. He's gone and he's not coming back.
- Martha Stewart: [growls]
- Henry Desalvo: I got a great New York Strip over there that cost me $27 and change, and it tastes like I'm eating a cigar butt. Now please put out your cigars.
- Bruce: There's no rule against smoking here.
- Henry Desalvo: This isn't about rules, it's about manners. Now there's no rule that says that I cant come over here and fart on your entree. But I don't do it. Why? Because it's not good manners. So I ask you again, in the nicest possible way, please put out the cigars, okay?
- Bruce: [blows smoke in Henry's face] No.
- [He turns to his companions and they all laugh... until Henry seizes his hand, breaks his middle and index fingers, and drops his cigar into his glass of brandy, then plucks away the nearest diner's cigar and drops his cigar into his brandy. He just looks at the remaining two diners, who quickly extinguish their cigars in their own brandies]
- Henry Desalvo: Thank you.
- Bruce: [gasping] I hope you realize you've just committed assault.
- Henry Desalvo: I know, I know. You know, I remember time was you actually had to hit somebody.
- [first lines]
- Puggy: God said to Noah, "I am going to put an end to all people, for the Earth is filled with violence because of them. You are to bring into the Ark two of all living creatures to keep them alive with you."
- [eats a Frito]
- Puggy: In other words, life is hard, so you'd better find someone who'll be your partner. Eliot Arnold's story is a lot like Noah's, except Eliot's story takes place in Miami.
- [eats another]
- Puggy: You just can't beat these when they're really fresh. Anyway, Eliot should probably tell you exactly what happened because I was locked in the trunk of a police car for part of it. My name is Puggy and I live in a tree... I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.
- [At the airport, Leonard trips and a hunting rifle goes flying out of his golf bag. He and Henry freeze when they see FBI Agents Greer and Seitz, and Officer Romero standing there]
- Pat Greer: Your jurisdiction.
- [the FBI Agents leave. Monica stares and Henry and Leonard for a few seconds, then picks up the rifle, removes the bolt, and tosses the rifle back to the ground]
- Monica Romero: Gentlemen.
- [She leaves]
- Henry Desalvo: ...Well, Miami sucks. But the cops are kind of nice.
- Leonard: Got that right.
- Officer Walter Kramitz: Are you going to help me, or are you just gonna be a big, fat, stupid asshole?
- Jack Pendick: Strip search.
- Eliot Arnold: Strip poker. Strip poker. Now, that's a good game.
- [Grabs a squirt gun away from Matt]
- Eliot Arnold: This is a stupid game.
- Matt Arnold: Dad, no offense, but only a moron would mistake that for a real gun.
- Eliot Arnold: You could've been killed. And where's your partner in crime?
- Matt Arnold: Andrew?
- Jenny Herk: He ran the other way.
- Eliot Arnold: Did anybody call the police?
- Anna Herk: [off-screen] I'm making some coffee, you want some?
- Eliot Arnold: I'll call the police.
- Matt Arnold: I hope they don't have a dog.
- Eliot Arnold: [narrating] As it turns out, the Herks did have a dog. His name was Roger and he was the random result of generations of hasty, unplanned dog sex.
- Henry Desalvo: Apparently there was some kind of traffic commotion. Let's see if there's anything about it on the radio.
- [turns on the radio]
- Confused Sports Radio Call In: Well you're not hearing what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that I'm a Gators fan and I'm calling you now.
- Geo Salesman: Sweet little vehicle. Just get divorced? Ah, it doesn't matter. Forty-two miles to the gallon, AM/FM radio. I'll even throw in the undercoating. Anything else you'd like to know?
- Matt Arnold: Yeah. How many clowns can it hold?
- Eliot Arnold: [voice over] Arthur Herk. One of the few Floridians who was *not* confused when he voted for Pat Buchanan.
- Matt Arnold: Uh, Jenny's mom opened the door, and I came running up to squirt her. And then, uh, Mrs. Herk jumped me... or jumped *on* me. And, uh, and then I went down on Jenny... or I f-fell on Jenny.
- Alan Seitz: Oh, don't worry, Ivan. It's just your foot. See, this is what we at the bureau call an extremity shot. Generally, the victim survives. They don't do so well with what we call a torso shot.
- Pat Greer: So what do you think, Ivan? Would you like to experience a torso shot?
- Pat Greer: Doesn't that just warm the cockles of your heart?
- Alan Seitz: Warms the shit out of my cockles.
- [Officer Monica Romero and Agent Greer are in his car, arguing about Russian bombs and missiles]
- Officer Monica Romero: Where did they get that stuff?
- Pat Greer: Russia.
- Officer Monica Romero: Don't the Russians have controls on that kind of thing?
- Pat Greer: You'd faint if you knew. A few months ago, somebody got a warhead out of a missile-dismantlement facility in a place called -...
- Alan Seitz: Sergijev Posad. Not far from Moscow. Beautiful churches there.
- [off their looks]
- Alan Seitz: Travel Channel.
- Pat Greer: Anyway, somebody who knew what they were doing modified it. Dumped it on some guys who run a place here called The Jolly Jackal.
- Officer Monica Romero: The bar?
- Pat Greer: That bar has more AK-47s than Budweiser.
- Officer Monica Romero: [about the suitcase bomb] Well, guess it was bound to happen someday.
- Alan Seitz: What makes you think this is the first time?
- Pat Greer: Never mind which time this is. The important thing is we got those assholes trapped at the airport, and until we say further, no plane is taking off.
- Officer Monica Romero: You can do that?
- [Matt and Andrew are getting prepared for a big water gun war at their friend, Jenny, in her home]
- Andrew: So, what's the plan? Through the front?
- Matt Arnold: [sarcastically] Yeah. "It's Matt Arnold. I'm here to kill your daughter, Jenny."
- [truthfully]
- Matt Arnold: No, we gotta go over the wall, dickweed. I just hope she doesn't see this stupid turdmobile.
- Snake: We need four tickets to the Bahamas, one-way, next flight you got.
- Fly by Air Ticket Agent: Nassau or Freeport?
- Snake: The Bahamas.
- Fly by Air Ticket Agent: Nassau and Freeport are in the Bahamas.
- Snake: [confused] Whichever's next.
- Jenny Herk: How do we wanna do this? We don't need to drag this any longer than it has to.
- Andrew: You can shoot her in the crotch. You can be a couple.
- Jenny Herk: This is a friend of yours?
- Fly by Air Ticket Agent: Ok, I gonna need your names sir.
- Snake: John Smith.
- Fly by Air Ticket Agent: And the other names, sir?
- [referring to Eddie, Jenny and Puggy]
- Snake: John Smith.
- Fly by Air Ticket Agent: You're all John Smith?
- Snake: Everybody.
- Fly by Air Ticket Agent: [suspicious] Ok, I'm gonna need some ID.
- Snake: [Snake hands her more money]
- Snake: There you go.
- Fly by Air Ticket Agent: Ok, family Smith. Have a nice flight.
- Annoyed Sports Radio Host: I'm looking for one brave Gators fan to call, just one. Oh so Gators fans talk trash all the time but when they play a game and lose nobody has the guts to call in?
- Leonard: What are Gators?
- Henry Desalvo: Football. College.
- Confused Sports Radio Call In: I'm a Gators fan.
- Annoyed Sports Radio Host: And what do you have to say?
- Confused Sports Radio Call In: You said that Gators fans don't have the guts to call in.
- Annoyed Sports Radio Host: Your point?
- Confused Sports Radio Call In: My point is that I'm calling you now.
- Leonard: [notices Snake and Eddie escorting Arthur wearing dark-colored pantyhose on their head] Is that him?
- Henry Desalvo: I think we got Gator fans.
- Eliot Arnold: What *is* it that brings two strangers together so that one soul inhabits two bodies? Sometimes it's profound. Sometimes it's Fritos.
- Eliot Arnold: What does a guy like Arthur do for a living?
- Anna Herk: He's an executive at Penultra Corporation.
- Eliot Arnold: I did an article on them once. They built the jail downtown where the plumbing doesn't work. I called it, "Crapital Punishment."
- Anna Herk: Eliot Arnold, from The Herald? I used to read your column! You were so funny. What happened?
- Eliot Arnold: I lost my sense of humor in the divorce.
- [Anna laughs]
- Eliot Arnold: How does a guy like Arthur end up with someone like you?
- Anna Herk: I married him when Jenny was little. My first husband left us kind of early, and we had to move to this crappy little apartment, and I met Arthur. He was different then. I keep looking up divorce lawyers in the phone book, but then I think about that horrible apartment.
- Eliot Arnold: It's unavailable. I live there.
- [Anna laughs again]
- [Puggy lays down a heavy metal suitcase in the bar's stockroom]
- John: Strong. Come back tomorrow one o'clock, maybe I have another job for you.
- [Later that evening, Puggy is walking beside a posh house, sees a banyan tree and pitches camp in its canopy]
- Eliot Arnold: [v.o] After only twenty-four hours in Miami, Puggy already had a more rewarding career and lived in a nicer neighborhood than I did.
- Monica Romero: Take it easy.
- Arthur Herk: Don't tell me to take it easy, this is my goddamn house!
- Monica Romero: And these are my handcuffs, and if you don't take it easy, you'll be wearing my handcuffs in your goddamn house!
- Snake: [remarking on his gun] Remember. I'm gonna have this thing pointed right at you. So, don't do something stupid.
- Jenny Herk: How would you even know if I did something stupid?
- Snake: I'll just know. Believe me, I can tell the difference.
- [At the Airport Security Walk-through]
- Airport Stern Security Woman: What is this?
- Snake: A garbage disposal.
- Airport Stern Security Woman: A garbage disposal?
- Snake: Portable.
- Airport Stern Security Woman: You'll have to turn it on.
- Snake: It's got a timer.
- [turns the switches of the bomb on]
- Snake: Grounds up your garbage, while you're out.
- [In the airplane]
- Snake: How about we go now?
- Airplane Captain Justin Hobart: Sir, we have to finish the preflight checklist. It's for your safety, sir.
- Snake: [points to his gun in his hand] I got my safety right here, asshole.
- Eliot Arnold: I hope you're not gonna give me a ticket for this.
- Officer Walter Kramitz: If I don't see them, I don't write them.