Ed (2000–2004)

Josh Randall: Mike Burton

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mike Burton : Hey, ten bucks...

  Ed Stevens : I'm not really in the mood.

  Mike Burton : No, you're gonna like this one, it's conceptual.

  Ed Stevens : ...Okay.

  Mike Burton : Ten bucks... if you give me ten bucks.

• [At Stuckeybowl] 

  Mike Burton : Ten bucks if you yell "I love kitties" at the top of your lungs.

  Ed Stevens : I LOVE KITTIES!

  [everyone stares] 

• Mike Burton : Ten bucks if you touch that guy's bald spot.

• Mike Burton : Ten bucks if you order your meal in rhyme.

• Mike Burton : Ten bucks if you go over to that guy and ask him where the lettuce is... only, you don't say lettuce.

  Ed Stevens : What do I say?

  Mike Burton : Letoos.

• Mike Burton : I'll give you six bucks to hug the giant chicken.

  Ed Stevens : Six bucks? As you know the traditional wager is ten bucks.

  Mike Burton : But I've only got six.

  Ed Stevens : Forget it!... Wait. I'll give you ten bucks to hug the giant chicken.

• Nancy Burton : I hate to sound like one of those mothers, but most other kids Sarah's age are rolling over by now.

  Mike Burton : Well, goodbye, Harvard.

  Nancy Burton : Honey, that's not what I mean. I just, you know, want to make sure she's okay.

  Mike Burton : I didn't roll over until my 23rd birthday.

  Nancy Burton : [rolls eyes]  Oh, my God. I'm married to the funniest man alive.

• Mike Burton : These crazy Belgian bastards know how to live!

• [Ed is preparing Thanksgiving dinner] 

  Mike Burton : I've got my money on grease fire.

• Mike Burton : Who would win in a fight - a big, strong guy or an invisible fat guy?

• Mike Burton : I figure I'll go downtown once a month, maybe work the hotel lobbies, sell my body to aging divorcees.

  Nancy Burton : Well, honey, you really think we can live on thirty-eight cents a month?

• Mike Burton : Medically speaking, you have a brain the size of a marble.

• Mike Burton : Ed, Lewis and Clark had a journal. You, my friend, have a diary.

• Mike Burton : I disagree, Dr. Jerome.

  Dr. Walter Jerome : You don't get to disagree, you knuckle-dragging cretin!

• Mike Burton : Hey, guys! Hey, you gotta see this! Kenny's about to stop a bowling ball with his head!

  Ed Stevens : You don't see that every day.

• Nancy Burton : I've always wondered where that phrase came from - speak of the devil.

  Ed Stevens : Well, according to ancient legend, if you said the devil's name three times... he would appear.

  Mike Burton : According to ancient legend? Dude, you got that from "Beetlejuice".

• Mike Burton : Can't talk. Eating fried pie. Experiencing nirvana.

• [Dr. Jerome has hired another young doctor to compete with Mike] 

  Mike Burton : Dr. Jerome, what's going on?

  Dr. Walter Jerome : Many things, Dr. Burton, many things. The universe is expanding, the art of cinema is dying, and my daughter Melissa is marrying a Moroccan. The man wears a fez.