Super Troopers (2001)
Brian Cox: Captain O'Hagan
Photos
Quotes
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Captain O'Hagan : I swear to God I'll pistol whip the next guy who says "Shenanigans."
Mac : Hey Farva what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?
Farva : You mean Shenanigans?
Mac : OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Thorny : OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
[as they offer the Captain their pistols]
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Captain O'Hagan : [In an Irish accent] I'll believe ya when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.
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Mac : Oh, c'mon, we're like the sons you never had.
Captain O'Hagan : If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now.
Mac : Smothered me in gravy you big dirty man.
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Captain O'Hagan : I'm sorry, Bruce. These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.
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Captain O'Hagan : Bulletproof cup, huh? I invented this gag, Rabbit. Only in my day, the rookie got naked.
[fires through the window, accidentally shooting out the glass]
Captain O'Hagan : And we also used blanks. You're a sick motherfucker, Mac.
Mac : Thanks, Chief!
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Captain O'Hagan : There was a time when we'd take a guy like you in the back and beat you with a hose. Now you've got your God-damned unions.
Farva : Cap'n... you know I'm not a pro-union guy.
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Foster : [explaining his low number of citations issued] I can't make them speed.
Captain O'Hagan : Try hiding.
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[Farva brings the boys a round of coffee, and has left a surprise in Rabbit's]
Rabbit : [dryly] Oh, look, a bar of soap.
Farva : Oh, shit, I got you good, you fucker!
Mac : *Awesome* prank, Farva.
Farva : Better than the crap you pull, Mac!
Captain O'Hagan : Look, fellas...
Mac : [to Rabbit] Bite it, rook! You'll make him look like a dick!
Rabbit : Nah...
Captain O'Hagan : Every Thursday night I walk into the lodge to play Hearts...
[Mac persists in goading Rabbit as O'Hagan continues]
Mac : Seriously, rook, bite it. Do it. Don't be a wuss!
Captain O'Hagan : ...and they always have my Old-Fashioned just waiting there...
Mac : Don't be a wuss, bite it!
Captain O'Hagan : ...I like that. I like it here...
Mac : Bite it. Bite it!
Captain O'Hagan : [Fed up] Oh, hell! Give me the goddamn soap!
[He grabs the soap, takes a bite, and spits it at Mac]
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[finishes reading the Governor's letter]
Captain O'Hagan : "Due to our tight fiscal situation, we regret to inform you we are still going to have to close your station. Good luck in Sherbourne, John. And give your men my best. Sincerely, Governor Fuckhead."
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Captain O'Hagan : What did you find out at the weigh station?
Mac : My cruiser weighs 16,000 kilograms!
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Captain O'Hagan : We should have taken him out the back and shot him a long time ago.
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Captain O'Hagan : Did you guys put in for any transfers yet?
Mac : I applied for a guard job - at the post office.
[collective groan]
Thorny : Hey, you'll finally be able to shoot someone.
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Captain O'Hagan : Well, this burger thing with Farva's really screwed our pooch.
Thorny : What? They can't lump us in with that fuckin' martian!
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Thorny : [upon seeing Farva in a local cop uniform] What the fuck, Farva!
Captain O'Hagan : What are you doing wearing that uniform in my station?
Farva : Looks who's talking 'Denim Dan'! You look like the President and CEO of Levi-Strauss!
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Captain O'Hagan : What's the significance of this John Chimpo fella?
Foster : You know those really cheap Japanese cartoons? No? This is basically a cheaper, Afgahni knockoff. It's this monkey that basically travels around the world, doing nasty things. His butler tries to keep him in line, but, uh... no.
Rabbit : It's really funny, Cap. It's Afghanistanimation!
Captain O'Hagan : The monkey has a butler? Great. Is that what they do in Arabia, Thorny?
Thorny : How the hell should I know?
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Captain O'Hagan : [Drunk, peeing into a man's car after pulling him over] When you gotta go, you gotta go.
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Captain O'Hagan : That's it. You're off the road, never again.
Farva : Sir, it was not my fault!
Captain O'Hagan : Neither was the goddamn schoolbus! You know, there was a time we'd take a guy like you out back and beat you with a hose; now you got your Goddamn unions.
Farva : Cap, You know I'm not a pro union guy.
Captain O'Hagan : And you're banned from Dimpus Burger!
Farva : Damn it!
Captain O'Hagan : Get some rubber gloves. From now on, you're my cleaning lady. BEAT IT!
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Rabbit : See, a lot of drug dealers use stickers to mark their products. Like a brand name.
Farva : See? Where'd you learn that, Cheech? Drug school?
Captain O'Hagan : Shut up, Farva.
[to Rabbit]
Captain O'Hagan : Did that bag you pulled off these College kids have that sticker?
Rabbit : Uummm...
[secretly looks at a bag he hid in his pocket]
Rabbit : I don't believe it did.
