Can't Smeg Won't Smeg (1998 TV Movie)

Chris Barrie: Rimmer

Quotes 

• Ainsley Harriott : Our next contestant can't cook, but not because he's incapable; it's because he is a total smeghead. Welcome, Arnold Judas Rimmer.

  Rimmer : Ah, Mr. Harriott. May I start by saying what a great pleasure it is to have me here.

• Ainsley Harriott : I want you to show me all those wonderful ingredients you've brought. We're going to make a superb recipe. Okay, boys, let's see what you've brought so we can cook some culinary delight.

  Rimmer : Well, we searched the galley cupboards and this is what we've found... one dead space weevil.

  Lister : We got some wine made from urine recyc.

  Rimmer : Ah! The '52, an excellent year, very smooth. No aftertaste or hair loss.

  Lister : But I don't suppose that'd bother you, would it?

  [Lister removes Ainsley's hat to reveal he is bald] 

  Kryten : Also we have a Mimian bladder fish, sir.

  Duane Dibbley : I've got some rice pudding in the bowl I used when I get my hair cut!

  Lister : We've got an insole...

  Kryten : Er... a Pot Noodle.

  Lister : Caroline Carmen's ear.

  Ainsley Harriott : That is totally unhygienic!

  Lister : No, no, it's been kept in the fridge!

  Ainsley Harriott : [Ainsley loses his temper]  Now listen you guys! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm not going to be cooking with any piss wine, no armadillo whatever-it-is, Mimian trout and yeah, your rice pudding too! Get that in there! Enough, right? You'll be cooking what I say you'll be cooking!