Saturday Night Live: The Best of Chris Rock (1999 TV Special)

Kevin Nealon: Self

Quotes 

• Chris Rock : There's this big fuss about prison over crowding! Prison over crowding. I don't get it. I thought that was the whole idea of prison, a place for prisoners to feel uncomfortable. At my house we used to sleep four to a bed but we never tried to hang my father. Jails are so nice they go back twice. They don't have this problem in other countries. Nobody goes to Siberia twice. Nobody goes to Iran twice because it's hard to snatch another purse if you don't got another hand. It's pretty hard to lie to the judge with no tongue in your mouth! We're too nice to our criminals! Prisoners get three meals a day, homeless people don't get anything. That's messed up. I think criminals should get one meal a day: dinner. And not on a tray like normal people, they should put a cow in the courtyard and whatever happens, happens. You miss a meal go to deathrow and get the extra meat off the electric chair. I know that's harsh, but I hate the electric chair. Because electricity goes through there and electricity costs money, tax payers money! My $50! There are alot of cheap ways to kill someone. Like stabbing don't cost a damn thing. Get a stabbing chair. That's all I got to say, Man!

  Kevin Nealon : Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen.

• Kevin Nealon : Well it's the season premier of Saturday Night Live, alot of us here at the show look at this as the first day of school. Here with his comments is Chris Rock.

  Chris Rock : Thank you, Kevin, now to most people, the first day of school was a happy time but not to me, know why? Because I was bussed to school, was very hard being bussed to school. Know what that meant? It means I had to get up every morning at six o'clock in the morning to compete with white kids who didn't have to wake up until eight. And that's not fair! Now say I lower my head on the desk, teacher going "Chris can't read." No, Chris is tired alright! Give me a nap and maybe I'll pass the damn test!

• Kevin Nealon : This Monday, America celebrates what would've been Martin Luther King's 63rd birthday. Most people will get the day off work, except the residents of Arizona who voted against the King holiday, more on this from SNL news correspondant Chris Rock.

  Chris Rock : Now there's alot of talk about the people of Arizona being racist. So I went to see for myself, I went to Arizona and I'm walking through the streets of Tucson pushing my little baby brother in a stroller when a white woman comes up to the baby, smiles and says 'Boy what a pretty niglet.' Now if you don't like black people, that's one thing, but what I can't understand is why people in a hot-ass desert town like Tucson, Arizona wouldn't want a day off work. It's not like you have to do something black on that day. You don't have to ready Ebony magazine, you don't have to watch Soul Train, all you have to do is not work. Now if this was an Elvis holiday, they'd take that off. It would be like another Christmas. With big fat white guys coming down chimneys with Elvis jumpsuits on, giving out preyludes. Now, everybody doesn't get Martin Luther King's birthday off, even the states that celebrate, some people still have to work. Now one group that never have to work are prisoners. Criminals. Every ciminal in every jail get's the day off work, which means even James Earl Rey, the man who killed Martin Luther King get's the day off. He's so crazy, he's probably walking around prison saying, "Everybody get's the day off today and nobody even bothered to thank me. " Now what Arizona needs to do is give Dr. King somebody else's holiday. There are so many holidays we celebrate every year that mean nothing. Like Columbus Day. Nobody celebrates Columbus Day, nobody puts three ships in their front yard. First of all, Columbus discovered the West Indies. Second of all, the land he discovered had occupants on it. That's like discovering someone's back yard. All Columbus did was discover a West Indian back yard. He got his little flag and said "I claim this land for Spain." And the West Indians are like, "Hey, Mon, get your darn flag off me lawn now. Move it now!" So Arizona, get your act together and hail the King! Thank you very much.