Saturday Night Live: The Best of Steve Martin (1998 TV Special)
Nora Dunn: Various Characters
Quotes
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Bob Alberts : Hello and welcome to Common Knowledge. I am your host, Bob Alberts. Let's begin. We'll start with Jean Kirkpatrick, what catagory do you choose?
Jean Kirkpatrick : I've been a professor of history so I've decided to make it interesting. I'll take Literature.
Bob Alberts : Okay, Literature for 100. Let's see what the question is, Author of Grapes of Wrath.
Jean Kirkpatrick : John Steinbeck.
Bob Alberts : No, I'm sorry that's not right. The answer is Ernest Hemingway.
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Bob : Les, you wanna stick with Literature?
Les Shermire : No I'll take State Capitals.
Bob : Okay, State Capitals for 100. Oklahoma state.
Les Shermire : Oklahoma City.
Bob : Correct. Let's keep going, New York state.
Les Shermire : New York City.
Bob : Correct. Let's go again, New Jersey.
Les Shermire : Jersey City.
Bob : Yes! You're on a roll. Let's go again, Virginia.
Les Shermire : Virginia City.
Bob : Yes!! And last one, Washington.
Les Shermire : Washington D.C.
Bob : Correct! You swept through that catagory.
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Les Shermire : Let's go to Literature.
Bob : Okay. Author of A Christmas Carol.
Les Shermire : Ebenezer Scrooge.
Bob : Correct. Literature for 300, Author of Huckleberry Finn.
Les Shermire : Tom Sawyer.
Bob : No, sorry, the answer is Ernest Hemingway. And now let's take a minute to explain the rules of Common Knowledge. Questions for our show are selected by educators from Princeton University to reflect the broad range of common knowledge that every American should posess. Answers for Common Knowledge are determined by a nation wide survey of 17 year old high school seniors.
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Jean Kirkpatrick : History!
Bob Alberts : Alright. History for 100. His assassination sparked World War I.
Jean Kirkpatrick : Archduke Ferdinand.
Bob Alberts : Wrong. Sorry. The answer is Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln. Les?
Les Shermire : I'll stick with History for 200.
Bob Alberts : History for 200. The Louisiana Purchase was obtained from this country.
Les Shermire : Louisiana.
Bob Alberts : Correct! Now, History for 300, when he discovered America, Christopher Columbus thought he landed in...?
Les Shermire : Colombia.
Bob Alberts : Wrong. Sorry, the answer was America.
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Jean Kirkpatrick : I'll take History for 400.
Bob Alberts : Okay, First man to land on the moon.
Jean Kirkpatrick : Neil Arm... John Glenn!
Bob Alberts : Correct! You're on the board now.
Jean Kirkpatrick : Okay, History for 500.
Bob Alberts : Okay. Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of...
Jean Kirkpatrick : Gettysburg.
Bob Alberts : No, sorry, the answer is Jericho! The Battle of Jericho.
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Bob Alberts : Les, you picked Presidents. Are you and Tracey ready?
Les Shermire, Tracey Tollison : Yes.
Bob Alberts : Okay, go!
Tracey Tollison : Okay, The British are coming!
Les Shermire : Grant!
Tracey Tollison : Right. Dennis the Menace!
Les Shermire : President Mitchell.
Tracey Tollison : No, his neighbor!
Les Shermire : Woodrow Wilson!
Bob Alberts : OKay, tag team! Switch!
Les Shermire : Chibby canoe!
Tracey Tollison : Nixon!
Les Shermire : Pass. Pass. Sex!
Tracey Tollison : President Hart.
Les Shermire : Marilyn Monroe!
Tracey Tollison : Kennedy!
Bob Alberts : Very good.
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Bob Alberts : Jean, you picked the catagory of Historical Dates. Are you ready Jean and Miles?
Jean Kirkpatrick, Miles Hoffner : Yes!
Miles Hoffner : Okay, um, Civil War!
Jean Kirkpatrick : 1861.
Miles Hoffner : No, the Civil War!
Jean Kirkpatrick : 1861 to 1865!
Miles Hoffner : Pass! Um, Pilgrims!
Jean Kirkpatrick : 1620!
Miles Hoffner : Thanksgiving!
Jean Kirkpatrick : 1621!
Miles Hoffner : Pass! Um, uh, Gold Rush!
Jean Kirkpatrick : 1849!
Miles Hoffner : GOLD Rush!
Jean Kirkpatrick : 1914! 1492! 1945!
Miles Hoffner : Pass!
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Bob Alberts : Tag team! Switch!
Jean Kirkpatrick : Congress of Vienna!
Miles Hoffner : 1962!
Jean Kirkpatrick : Pass! Um, Bolschivic Revolution!
Miles Hoffner : 1776!
Jean Kirkpatrick : Pass. Okay, Pilgrims land!
Miles Hoffner : 1861.
Jean Kirkpatrick : The Battle of Obstowich.
Miles Hoffner : 1492!
Jean Kirkpatrick : The Korean War!
Miles Hoffner : 1917!
Bob Alberts : [Time up] Oh, sorry, Jean, you only got one right.
Jean Kirkpatrick : [Out of patience] Can I say something please? This program is an outrage! This program doesn't do justice to the educational system which holds the fragile civilization together!
Bob Alberts : [sarcastically] Oh, well sorry, Jean! Les is still our champion but you'll be going home with a $400 and a year's subscription to TV Guide. TV Guide, the most widely read publication in the world.
Jean Kirkpatrick : In the United States!
Bob Alberts : [patronizingly] Oh whatever you say! Anyway that's Common Knowledge and remember, it's not what you know, it's what you think you know. Good night everybody.
