Shallow Hal (2001)

Jason Alexander: Mauricio

Photos 

Quotes 

• [after introducing his overweight girlfriend to Mauricio] 

  Hal : Does she take the cake, or what?

  Mauricio : She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

• Hal : What are you talking about? All I ever did was tell her how perfect she was.

  Mauricio : Really?

  Hal : Yeah. Then she got all huffy and told me to grow up.

  Mauricio : Well, that's probably good advice. You are kind of immature.

  Hal : You're not serious. You actually think you're more mature than me?

  Mauricio : You're right. I'm probably more immature than you, but at least I have a bigger willie.

  Hal : [about 8 seconds later]  Yeah... bigger than a mouse's.

  Mauricio : What the hell was that?

  Hal : I said your willie's...

  Mauricio : I heard what you said, but it took you, like, 8 seconds. You can't come back with a comeback after 8 seconds. You got 3 seconds... 5, tops. That's why they call it a "quip." Not a "slooowp."

• Hal : [Hal is going to make his move on an unattractive girl]  I'm going for the redhead. You can have your pick of the other two.

  Mauricio : So you get the hyena, and I have to choose between the hippo and the giraffe?

• [after Mauricio broke Hal's spell] 

  Hal : Let me ask you something. Who is the all-time love of your life?

  Mauricio : [ponders]  Wonder Woman.

  Hal : Okay... let's say Wonder Woman falls in love with you. And everyone else in the world didn't find her attractive.

  Mauricio : It wouldn't matter. Because I know they'd be wrong.

  Hal : See! That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knockout, I don't care what anybody else saw!

  Mauricio : You're right. I guess I really did screw you, huh?

• Rosemary : Is that a Member's Only jacket?

  Mauricio : Yes.

  Rosemary : So what are you, the last member?

• Mauricio : The thing is all the women he's been seeing are ugly.

  Tony Robbins : Who says they're ugly?

  Mauricio : Bausch & Lomb.

• Tony Robbins : Haven't you ever heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?

  Mauricio : Have you heard the song "Who Let The Dogs Out"?

• Hal : And Vicki?

  Mauricio : Who?

  Hal : Vicki!

  Mauricio : Who's Vicki?

  Hal : Vicki. Vicki, with the short brown hair.

  Mauricio : Vicki? I thought that was a guy! I was calling her Vic!

• Hal : There's Rosemary.

  Mauricio : Where?

  Hal : Right there!

  Mauricio : Is she behind the Rhino?

• Mauricio : Shallow Hal wants a gal.

• [Mauricio has just seen Hal dancing with some unattractive women] 

  Mauricio : What in the name of all that is holy?

• Mauricio : Uh Hal, it's 10:00, we gotta go.

  Hal : [laughing]  What are you talking about?

  Mauricio : We gotta go do that thing, you know at the place.

  Hal : What thing?

  Mauricio : Sorry ladies, I gotta steal your dance partner here.

  [Mauricio grabs Hal away from the three unattractive women on the dance floor] 

  Hal : What are you doing?

  Mauricio : I am rescuing you.

  Hal : From what?

  Mauricio : From what? From a pack of stampeding buffalo, that's what!

• Mauricio : Hey Hal, come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from M.A.S.H.!

• Mauricio : She's got CANKLES!

• Hal : Hey, if you can see something and hear it and smell it, what keeps it from being real?

  Mauricio : Third Party Perspective!

• Mauricio : You Had Me At "Get Lost".

• Mauricio : Hey, you got anything better to read? I gotta go fire off a missile.

• Mauricio : That's why they call it a quip, not a slooooooow.

• Mauricio : [when Hal tries to point out Rosemary]  Is she... behind the rhino?