Jason Mewes: Jay
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Quotes
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Holden : If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.
Jay : What buzz?
Holden : The Internet buzz.
Jay : What the fuck is the Internet?
Holden : The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.
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Jay : [to Silent Bob] Ooh! Check that shit out, man, the internet! Let's see if those fucks wrote something new about us in that stupid ass flick.
[reads Shooting Range:]
Jay : "Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob are gonna lick balls, because they both in fact lick balls."
[angrily:]
Jay : Motherfucker! It's time we wrote something back. Type this shit down: All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is makin' the movie... we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. And then all you motherfucks are next. Love - Jay and Silent Bob.
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Jay : What are you trying to say? Just say it already.
Silent Bob : [screams] THE SIGN on the back of the car said "Critters Of HOLLYWOOD", YOU DUMB FUCK!
Jay : Say it, don't spray it.
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Jay : I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to. No one rules the C.L.I.T like me. Not this little fuck
[referring to Silent Bob]
Jay : , none of you little fucks out there. I AM THE C.L.I.T. COMMANDER! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.
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[deleted scene]
Hooker #1 : Hey, little man! You want some of this?
Hooker #2 : How 'bout you, big boy?
Hooker #1 : You got 50 bucks, we can get NASTY.
Jay : Oh, yeah? How nasty?
Hooker #2 : As nasty as you want to be, papi.
Jay : Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my asshole with the other, but don't stick you're finger in. Then I want to pinky you while I stick in your fuckin' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and fuckin' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a bullfrog. Then I want you to fuckin' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then, we throw the Dixie cup out.
[stunned silence]
Hooker #1 : Oh, that's it, honey! I quit! This job just passed the point of no return!
[both hookers leave]
Jay : What? You said "nasty"!
[to Silent Bob]
Jay : Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck-up.
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Sissy : Since you let our patsy slip away, you gotta convince the little kid and the fat guy to take his place. They gotta break into Provasik now.
Justice : Uh-uh.
Sissy : Uh-huh. You'll do it, or you're out of the gang, Justice. Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him, since he's SO fucking in love with you.
Justice : Jay? No, he's not.
Sissy : What am I, blind? He wasn't kissing your hand in the back of the van like he was fucking Lord Byron?
Justice : Well, maybe he just has manners.
[cut to Jay outside, hollering at a woman walking past him]
Jay : Yo, baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?
[he turns to Silent Bob, who stares at him in shock]
Jay : Yeeaah...!
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Jay : [singing] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, fuck / Mother fuck, mother fuck, / Noise noise noise, / 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, / Noise, noise noise / Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, / Doin' coke, drinkin' beers, / Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, / Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, / Who smokes the blunts? / We smoke the blunts. / Rollin' blunts and smokin'...
Teen #2 : Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
Jay : [singing] / Fifteen bucks, little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah, / Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what?
Teen #1 : What the hell are you singing?
Jay : You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time.
Teen #2 : You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
[Silent Bob points to the two teens]
Teen #1 : Yeah, Purple Rain.
Teen #2 : Man, that shit was so gay - fucking eighties style.
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Jay : Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie?
Holden : No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies.
Jay : Who?
Holden : You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?
Jay : You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it?
Holden : Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
Jay : Word, bitch, Phantoms like a motherfucker.
[high fives Holden]
Holden : What's up now.
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Jay : Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?
Cock-Knocker : Actually, there's a funny story behind that. Ha, ha, you're gonna love this. True story!
[punches Jay in the crotch]
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Devil Jay : [appears out of nowhere] Mua-ha-ha-ha! Man, what the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the set up. Reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch! Girls like that kinda shit.
Devil Jay 2 : [appears out of nowhere] Mua-ha-ha-ha! Right about here is where the angel's supposed to show up and tell you NOT to pull your dick out, but we bitch-slapped that motherfucker and send him packing, so it's smooth sailing. Let it rip boy...
[Both devils disappear]
Angel Jay : [with a black eye, appears out of nowhere and singing] Jesus loves the little children...
[Stops singing]
Angel Jay : Oh sorry I'm late. So what's the deal here?
[looks down at Jay's erection]
Angel Jay : Oh shit! Don't tell me your thinking of whipping your dick at that fine piece of woman, are you?
[Jay nods. Angel slaps Jay with his harp]
Angel Jay : Tell you what... Look over at Silent Bob and see if he thinks that a good idea to whip your dick out.
[Jay looks at Silent Bob with a questioning look. Silent Bob shakes his head]
Angel Jay : That's it boy, put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv-bullshit's gonna work for this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan de la Nooch. Now I gotta beat the shit out of those punch-sucker little bitches. Remember: Don't pull your dick out 'till she asks, or until she's sleeping. BOOOONG...
[disappears]
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[several security guards, led by Gordon, have suddenly rushed onto the set of Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season]
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon : Sorry to interrupt sirs, but we've got a 10-07 on our hands.
Matt Damon : [exasperated] Oh Jesus, again Ben?
Ben Affleck : [cocky] No, bullshit, because I wasn't WITH a hooker today, ha-HA!
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon : There they are!
Jay : Affleck, you the bomb in "Phantoms", yo!
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Jay : Yo lunchbox, hurry it up.
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Jay : In a world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, but the monkey will spank us.
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Jay : What's twistin' this bitches tit?
Justice : Maybe it's because girls don't like to be called bitches, Jay.
Jay : They don't? How 'bout "fine piece of ass"?
Justice : How about not.
Jay : Then what the fuck am I supposed to call you?
Justice : Something sweet, ya big goof. Something nice.
Jay : Boo boo kitty fuck?
Justice : That's... a start.
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Jay : So your in this for the pussy right?
Brent : No, I'm in this because I LOOOVE animals, stupid?
Jay : Even Sheep?
Brent : Of course. Sheep are beautiful creatures.
Jay : So would you fuck a sheep?
Brent : What is your damage, little boy. You have a sick and twisted world perspective.
Jay : No, you're misunderstaning me, Prince Valiant. I'm saying if you were a sheep, would you fuck a sheep, if you were another sheep?
Brent : Well, in that case, you bet your sweet ass I would.
Jay : Thought so.
[Yelling]
Jay : Yo, this motherfucker ain't one of us. He said he'd fuck a sheep!
Brent : No! No! No!
Jay : [Throws Brent out the door of the van, flips him off as he's looking out the door as they're still driving] WHO'S STUPID NOW, DIRTY SHEEP FUCKER!
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Assistant Director(GWH 2) : Okay, you two. Just stand there, and react. Don't say anything!
[Points to Silent Bob]
Assistant Director(GWH 2) : Especially you.
Jay : [to Silent Bob] That's pretty funny.
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Banky : Stop the movie? Are you crazy?
Jay : All these assholes on the Internet are callin' us names because of this fuckin' stupid movie.
Banky : That's what the Internet's for, slandering others anonymously! Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that!
Jay : This isn't fair! We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin' we stole a monkey, we got shot at, and I got punched in the motherfuckin' nuts by a guy named Cockknocker!
Banky : You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do. But Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for "Bluntman and Chronic." So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!
Silent Bob : Oh, but I think it is. We had a deal with you on the comics, remember? For likeness rights? And as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis for your intellectual property, "Bluntman and Chronic," when said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a VERY actionable position.
[Banky stares at Silent Bob in disbelief]
Jay : Yeah.
Banky : You guys are gonna ruin my movie career.
Jay : Well, we want somethin' for our mental anguish.
Banky : Tell you what: let's settle this monetarily. I'll give you half of what I make.
[Silent Bob's eyes widen in surprise]
Jay : [eagerly] Half?
Banky : Half's not enough? Fine, I'll give you two-thirds of what I make.
Jay : Fuck you, you already said half. You can't take it back.
[Silent Bob rolls his eyes]
Banky : Done.
[they smile and shake hands as Silent Bob shakes his head]
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Jay : Hey, wait a second! Aren't you the guy who fucked the pie!
Jason Biggs : You see! It's never "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or "Hey you rocked in Boys and Girls." No, it always comes back to that fucking pie! I'm HAUNTED by it!
James Van Der Beek : You put your dick in a pie!
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Shannen Doherty : Fucking Miramax! Cut!
Wes Craven : Shannen, I usually say cut.
Shannen Doherty : A monkey? Wes? Jesus, you're not even trying anymore are you?
Wes Craven : The Market research says that people love monkeys.
[Jay and Silent Bob run in and grab the monkey]
Jay : WE LOVE THIS MONKEY!
[to a crew member]
Jay : Do something.
Wes Craven : See?
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Jay : Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time! Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy. And Tubby here is my black man servant. What?
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Jay : Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?
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Jay : So all we's gotta do is stop this fuckin' movie from getting made!
Holden : Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars you would be entitled to in the process. What are you, fucking retarded? I mean, I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know it, but... a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that?
[Holden, Jay, and Bob look into the camera]
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James Van Der Beek : [about "Dawson's Creek"] You actually watch that show?
Jay : Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. Did you ever get to 3rd base with her?
James Van Der Beek : Well, actually there was this one time...
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Brodie : Oh my God. Don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for.
Jay : What? Since when?
Brodie : See, here's the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
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Jay : Hey, lawdog.
Whillenholly : [Willenholly realizes Jay & Silent Bob didn't jump] Hey!
Jay : See you in hell, cocksmoker!
Whillenholly : Aww, Fuck Meeeee!.
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[Silent Bob gets stuck in an open sewer pipe]
Jay : Just like Winnie the Pooh.
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Jay : Dude, I think I just filled the cup.
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[Jay and Silent Bob are hitchhiking on a road late at night]
Jay : I can't belive this shit. Five hours and not a single ride. Every day people hitch to Hollywood to stop studios from making films about 'em, but when you and me try it, it's like we're trapped in a fuckin' cartoon.
[the Mystery Machine van from the Scooby Doo cartoons pulls up alongside Jay and Silent Bob]
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Jay : It's a Miramax flick. We gotta bust up some people who were calling us names on the internet, even thought they're not really talking about us but characters based on us, and at the same time find my ex-girlfriend-who-was-killed-by-a-car-explosion's monkey.
Pumpkin Escobar : Man... I don't know what the FUCK you just said, Little Kid, but you're special man, you reached out, and you touch a brother's heart.
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Jay : Just call me Darth Balls... Bong.
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Jay : [after pulling a very long pube out of his teeth] Eew, man, she had '70s bush. Damn second rule in that book should be: "Trim that shit".
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Jay : Hey, I'll make you a deal - this guy
[points to Silent Bob]
Jay : will suck your dick off if you let us go.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon : Contrary to what you believe, not everyone in Hollywood is a homosexual.
Jay : How about this deal- he'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon : Alright.
[takes Jay and Silent Bob behind a wall, out of sight]
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon : Make it fast and sexy.
Jay : [to Silent Bob] It's either this or jail. And you know what they do to you in jail.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon : I was a guard. Alright, and after it's all over, you say "Ooh, what a lovely tea party".
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Hitchhiker : [explaining why he gives head for rides] Have you seen the price of bus tickets lately. There's no way I'm gonna cough up 200 bucks just to get to Chicago.
Jay : Fuck that, I don't wanna cough up some dude's sperm.
Hitchhiker : Don't be so suburban. It's the new millennium. Gay, straight... it's all the same now. There are no more lines.
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Jay : [to Silent Bob after being hit below the belt by Cocknocker] Whoaaa... avenge me... Hemp Knight.
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Jay : [the monkey has been put into a car] Man, who the fuck steals monkeys?
Silent Bob : [Points to Jay and himself]
Jay : Oh yeah...
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Justice : Hi, I'm Justice.
Jay : And I'm so fucking yours.
[Justice is almost repulsed when Jay makes a quick save]
Jay : Oh, Hi, I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob.
Justice : It's nice to meet you.
Jay : Justice, that's a nice name...
[aside]
Jay : Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g...
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Jay : Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Oh, shit, It understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab?
[shouts]
Jay : What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... *Roswell* style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - *you maniacs*! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!
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Whillenholly : Sorry, Justice. We've gotta go.
[to Jay]
Whillenholly : Hey, stop stealing monkeys.
Jay : Fuck you.
Whillenholly : Fair enough.
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Whillenholly : And might I add, that is one fine looking boy you are raising.
Jay : Hell yeah, that's because he's from my sperm. See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours that I fuck on the side so as to not be all the way gay, but my tubby husband here is 100% queer. He LOVES the cock.
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Jay : Zoinks, yo.
Fred : Now we can finally solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. Pull of their masks and let's see who they really are!
Velma : I don't think they are masks.
Daphne : And I don't think that they're hitchhiking girls either.
Velma : GHOULS, you fuckin' moron, not girls! I wish they were hitchhiking girls- sexy hitchhiking girls.
Fred : Let's kick 'em out! We've got a mystery to solve!
Shaggy : The only mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in a neckerchief!
Fred : Keep it up, beatnik, I'll feed ya to the fuckin' dog!
Daphne : I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS FIGHTING!
Jay : YO! Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down, and I got just the thing for that... we call it... DOOBIE SNACKS!
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Jay : So what can a smooth pimp daddy like myself do to help the animals?
Justice : Oh... you REALLY don't wanna help us.
Jay : The fuck you talkin' about? Sure, I do. I'd do anything for you.
[Justice smiles at him]
Jay : I mean youse guys, I'd do anything for youse guys, 'cause for the lift and shit.
Justice : Okay. Well, um, let me just talk to the other girls and get back to you.
Jay : Yeah, you do that. I'll be right here waitin'.
[he kisses Justice's hand romantically; she smiles and moves to the front of the van. Jay looks at Silent Bob and smirks, but Bob mockingly imitates Jay's move. Jay slaps his face]
Jay : Fuck you, fatty.
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[while trying to get comfortable at an unfamiliar gas station]
Jay : Just isn't the same, is it?
[Silent Bob shakes his head]
Jay : This place licks balls compared to the Quick Stop. Speakin' of lickin' balls, man, how 'bout that Justice chick? She is TOO fine! And she smells SO fuckin' pretty. She has a nice voice, too. And that body? Fuckin' smokin'! You know, she didn't tell me to fuck off once when I was talkin' to her, or pull out the fuckin' pepper spray or anything. You know, Lunchbox... she could be the one.
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Jay : Zoinks, yo!
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Jay : Hey. Get the fuck off her. That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.
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Banky : Well, you're rich, you're in love
[to Jay]
Banky : Well, *you're* in love. And you've both got your own monkey. What more could two guys from New Jersey want?
Jay : Well, to have all these fucks stop talking shit about us on the Internet.
Banky : What've I been telling you? There's nothing you can do about it. Unless you show up at all their houses and beat the shit out of them.
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Jay : If today is Tuesday and the movie starts filming on Friday, we have...
[counting his fingers, holds up ten]
Jay : ...eight days.
Holden : Uh, three by my count, but close.
Jay : Right. My bad. Three days to stop that fucking movie from getting made. Come on, Silent Bob. We're going to Hollywood!
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[singing outside the Stop N Go]
Jay : I'm gonna finger-bang her tight little asshole / Finger-bang and tea-bag my balls / Where, where, in her mouth / Balls a-plenty in her mouth / Balls Balls Sweaty Balls
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Jay : I hope one rips the other one's shirt off and we see some fuckin titties floppin around, yeah!
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Willenholly : Put the monkey down, and your hands up. Let's go, misters. Do you want to get shot? I didn't think so.
Jay : Look, man. She doesn't want to go back to the lab. And for the record, I ain't gay.
Willenholly : And for the record, while we're one the subject, I knew that wasn't a real little boy.
Jay : And for one more record, he does love the cock.
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Jay : Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Jay and Silent Bob are in the hizzouse!
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[Jay tries to talk his way out of a drug bust]
Jay : What? I've got a wiping problem. I just stick those little pieces up my brown-eye and bam! I get no stains in my undies. What you don't believe me? Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks, so he can see the fucking stink nuggets!
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Jay : Die, you super-monkey fuck.
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Jay : [to Silent Bob] I said you LOVE the cock. I must be the craftiest motherfucker alive.
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Jay : You know, maybe one night me and Lunch Box are out we're mackin' some chick and shit, and she's, like, "Ooh, I want to suck youse guys' dicks off," and she's, like, "What your names?" And I'm, like, "Jay and Silent Bob." Reco'nize. And she's like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that fuckin' youse guys are a couple of little fuckin' jerkoffs." And then she goes and sucks two other guys' dicks off instead. Well, FUCK that.
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Jay : Anyway, we were talking to Brody, and he told us about the Bluntman and Chronic movies, so we went to Holden McNeill and he showed us the Internet, and that's where we found all these little fucking little jerkoffs talking shit about us, and we decided to go to Hollywood and stop the movie from being made. And now we're here.
Justice : I have no idea what you just said.
Jay : I get that a lot
