About a Boy (2002)

Hugh Grant: Will Freeman

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Quotes 

• Christine : You will end up childless and alone.

  Will : Well, fingers crossed, yeah.

• Will : Once you open your door to one person anyone can come in.

• Will : I couldn't possibly think of a worse godfather for Imogen. You know me. I'll drop her at her christening. I'll forget her birthdays until her 18th, when I'll take her out and get her drunk and possibly, let's face it, you know, try and shag her. I mean, seriously, it's a very, very bad choice.

  Christine : We know, I just thought you had hidden depths.

  Will : No. No. You've always had that wrong. I really am this shallow.

• [Fiona is crying] 

  Fiona : Will, am I a bad mother?

  Will : No. No, you're not a bad mother. You're just a barking lunatic.

• Will : Me, I didn't mean anything. About anything, to anyone. And I knew that guaranteed me a long, depression-free life.

• Fiona : He's expressing himself!

  Will : No, he's not! He's expressing YOU!

• Marcus : I used to want Will to marry my mom.

  Ali : You serious?

  Marcus : Yeah, but that was when she was depressed and I was desperate.

  Will : Thanks, mate.

• [Fiona is crying] 

  Fiona : I mean, he's a special - very, very special boy and he's got a special soul, and I've wounded it.

  Will : Oh, please, just shut up. You're wounding my soul.

• [singing "Killing me Softly"] 

  Will : And there I was killing them softly with my song. Or rather being killed. And not so softly either.

• [Regarding the first SPAT meeting] 

  Will : I'll tell you one thing. Men are bastards. After about ten minutes I wanted to cut my *own* penis off with a kitchen knife.

• Will : [voiceover]  She couldn't stay at my place, and she didn't have a DVD, or satellite, or cable, so we were always stuck watching some crap made for t.v. movie about a kid with leukemia. I had to end it.

• Will : The thing is, a person's life is like a TV show. I was the star of The Will Show. And The Will Show wasn't an ensemble drama. Guests came and went, but I was the regular. It came down to me and me alone. If Marcus' mum couldn't manage her own show, if her ratings were falling, it was sad, but that was her problem. Ultimately, the whole single mum plotline was a bit complicated for me.

• Will : [voiceover]  Having been Will the Good Guy, I didn't relish going back to my usual role of Will the Unreliable, Emotionally Stunted Asshole.

• Will : It was terrible! Terrible! But driving really fast behind the ambulance was fantastic!

• Will : All men are islands. And what's more, this is the time to be one. This is an island age. A hundred years ago, for example, you had to depend on other people. No one had TV or CDs or DVDs or home espresso makers. As a matter of fact they didn't have anything cool. Whereas now you can make yourself a little island paradise. With the right supplies, and more importantly the right attitude, you can become sun-drenched, tropical, a magnet for young Swedish tourists.

• Marcus : There's this girl at school. Ellie. I kind of want her to be my girlfriend. But I'm not exactly sure. I've been meaning to ask you.

  Marcus : What's the difference between a girl who's your friend and a girlfriend?

  Will : Well, I don't know. Do you want to touch her?

  Marcus : Is that so important?

  Will : Yeah, you've heard about sex, right? It is kind of a big deal.

  Marcus : I know. I'm not stupid. I just can't believe there's nothing more to it. I mean, like, I want to be with her more. I want to be with her all the time.

  Marcus : And I want to tell her things I don't even tell you or Mum. And I don't want her to have another boyfriend. If I could have all those things... I wouldn't really mind if I touched her or not.

  Will : Well, you'll learn, Marcus. You won't feel like that forever.

• Will : I am an island. I am bloody Ibiza!

• Will : [to himself]  No, Marcus, I do not want to come over for Christmas. I do not want to spend Christmas with Ms. Granola Suicide and her spawn.

• Will : I find the key is to think of a day as units of time, each unit consisting of no more than thirty minutes. Full hours can be a little bit intimidating and most activities take about half an hour. Taking a bath: one unit, watching countdown: one unit, web-based research: two units, exercising: three units, having my hair carefully disheveled: four units. It's amazing how the day fills up, and I often wonder, to be absolutely honest, if I'd ever have time for a job; how do people cram them in?

• Will : [thinking]  Every man is an island. I stand by that. But clearly some men are island CHAINS. Underneath, they are connected...

  Marcus : [thinking]  I used to think two was not enough. But now things are great; there are loads of people... I don't know what Will was so pissed about. I don't think couples are the future. The way I see it now, we both got back-up now. It's like that thing Jon Bon Jovi said: 'No man is an island.'

• Marcus : [Out to lunch with Will & his mum]  I made her put on that nice jumper.

  Will : As for his mum, she appeared to be clinically insane, and wearing some kind of yeti costume!

• Marcus : [Opening a Christmas present]  Oh brilliant! What is it?...

  Will : It's a CD Marcus...

• Will : So... Hows it going at home then?

  Marcus : Me and my mum? She's alright thanks.

  Will : I mean... Y'know.

  Marcus : Yeah I know. Nah, nothing like that.

  Will : It still bother you then?

  Marcus : Does it bother me...

  Marcus : [Voice over]  Every single day. That's why I come here instead of going home.

  Marcus : Yeah. When I think about it.

  Will : ...Fucking hell.

  Marcus : [Voice over]  I didn't know why he swore like that, but it made me feel better. It made me feel like it wasn't being pathetic to get so scared.

• Christine : Oh, no... it's just I thought you had hidden depths.

  Will : No, no, you've always had that wrong about me. I really am this shallow.

• Will : It's a CD, Marcus, by Mystikal. They're cool. You'll like them

  Fiona : What kind of music is Mystikal?

  Will : It's sort of, um, world music...

  Marcus : [reads a song title]  "Shake Ya Ass."

  Will : ...Slash rap-type thing.

• Will : Hang on, come back.

  Marcus : He's off his head!

  Will : He's not.

  Marcus : He said he'd cut me up into little pieces and hide me under the floorboards.

  Will : He did?

  Marcus : No, but I'm sure he's capable of it.

• Will : [to Marcus]  I'll tell you what I am. I'm the guy who's really good at choosing trainers or records, OK? That's it. I can't help you with real things. I can't help you with anything that means anything.

• Will : I was in some strange territory. Was I frightened? I was petrified.

• Marcus : I'll come if you take my mom, too. She hasn't got any money, so either we'll have to go somewhere cheap, or you'll have to treat us.

  Will : Well, listen, don't beat about the bush, Marcus.

  Marcus : Why should I? We're poor, you're rich, you pay. You can bring your little boy if you like. I don't mind.

  Will : That's really big of you.

• Rachel : Will, how do you use this blender thing?

  Will : You don't.

• Will : Oh for Christ sake! Because... she's got this rare disease and if she believes something that's not right and you tell her the truth her brain will boil in her head and she'll die! Ok?

• Will : How do I look?

  Marcus : Good. How do I look?

  Will : Just... just be as normal as you can, alright?

• Will : My life is made up of units of time. Buying CDs - two units. Eating lunch - three units. Exercising - two units. All in all, I had a very full life. It's just that it didn't mean anything.

• Will : This crying in the morning thing, this depression, let's get that fixed.

• Will : I want to go out with her, OK. I'd like her to be my girlfriend, here I said it.

  Marcus : How brilliant!

• Will : [Will is in the supermarket. His father's song "Santa's Super Sleigh" begins to play over the speakers] 

  Will : Ah, shit! It can't be. November the sodding 19th... Six weeks before Christmas and already they were playing the bloody thing.

• Will : Hello Barney.

  [Barney blows a raspberry] 

  Will : Yeah.

• Rachel : Allie finds all this rather difficult.

  Will : Well yeah, so does Marcus. Don't ya mate, divorced parents and not knowing how to feel about new people.

  Marcus : Absolutely. That's absolutely the way I feel.

• Will : In my opinion, all men are islands. And what's more, now's the time to be one. This is an island age.

• Will : [voiceover]  There. She was gone. There was no more to say.

• [Christine gives baby Imogen to Will for him to hold; he takes hold of her tentatively and awkwardly] 

  Will : Yes, she's... delightful... isn't she? Tell the truth, Chris, I'm being a bit crap with her. You'd better take her back.

  Christine : Just think, she could be yours if you got your act together.

  Will : [unenthusiastically]  Just think of that, yeah.

  [John comes in with Barney, who is hyperactive and is blowing raspberry noises] 

  Will : [voiceover]  Here we go. It's the anti-Christ.

• John : What about you, Will? Any desire for a family of your own yet?

  Will : [voiceover]  I'd rather eat one of Barney's dirty nappies.

• Will : [Responding to game show question on tv]  Jon Bon Jovi, too easy. And, if I may say so, a complete load of bollocks.

• Will : [VO, Encounter Group]  And, can I just say? Men are Bastards.