Joe Somebody (2001)
Tim Allen: Joe Scheffer
Photos
Quotes
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Joe : That's Mark McKinney! He's a seven-year employee. W-what's he doing in the ten-year lot?
Natalie Scheffer : Maybe he's gonna stand around for another three years.
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Meg Harper : You're having a panic attack, do you know what that means?
Joe : It sounds pretty self-explanatory.
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Natalie Scheffer : HEY, that guy is an ass-wipe!
Joe : NATALIE...
Natalie Scheffer : Sorry, I meant "ass-guy".
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[after getting hit by trainer]
Joe : Do people ever come back here?
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Natalie Scheffer : [on the phone with Joe] Dad, just tell me something. Is it you don't wanna see me. Or is it you don't want me to see you?
Joe : Yes... Yes to the second one.
Natalie Scheffer : [crying] DAD, just please let me come over. Just for a little while...
Joe : It's okay. Everything's all right. I'm just sittin' here drowning my sorrows in a - a quart of Ben and Jerrys Chunky Monkey.
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Joe Scheffer : I'm looking for Meg Harper, apartment 508.
Old Man : Oh, she's up on the roof.
Joe Scheffer : Are you sure?
Old Man : Son, I'm a 82-year-old man, and she's a 31 year old woman. Trust me. I know where she is.
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Joe : Can you show me some of that Crouching Dragon, Hidden Tiger stuff?
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Natalie Scheffer : Everything on the menu was made with curd. Curd this, curd that. I MEAN, I ordered a hamburger and I got a ten-minute lecture on animal rights from the waitress. AND the guy in the play was half naked!
Joe : WHAT? Which half?
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Callie : We had a great weekend. Did she tell you about the play?
Joe : Yeah. The actors were naked.
Natalie Scheffer : So were the ushers.
Callie : They were not!
Joe : Callie, Beauty and The Beast is in town. Whats matter with that?
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Natalie Scheffer : Why do I have to spend weekends with them? Can't we just drive by every Saturday and wave?
Joe Scheffer : Your mom's a little eccentric. Think of her as an exotic flower.
Natalie Scheffer : And that made you what? Dirt?
Joe Scheffer : NAT, she's your mom.
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Joe : We gotta get you back to school.
Natalie Scheffer : DAD, I really wanna talk about this!
Natalie Scheffer : You know that big jerk took it easy on you, right? What makes you think he won't kill you this time? HUH? DAD!
Joe : You made your point!
Natalie Scheffer : GOOD.
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Natalie Scheffer : [watching Joe practice fighting] OH, my god.
[turns off radio]
Natalie Scheffer : WHAT ARE YOU, like 12? The guy's gonna hit you back. He's got ARMS!
Joe : What are you doing here? Don't you have school?
Natalie Scheffer : I needed to see you.
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Joe : You talkin' to me?
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Joe Scheffer : Did you have fun?
Natalie Scheffer : Weekend from hell. They took me to another silly-ass hippie restaurant. With thee most absurd one-man play ever produced!
Joe Scheffer : "Silly-ass"?
Natalie Scheffer : Dad...
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Natalie Scheffer : [gets out of the car after Joe gets punched by Mark] LEAVE HIM ALONE, DIRTBAG!
Joe : Don't call anybody a dirtbag.
Natalie Scheffer : Daddy, are you okay? You're bleeding.
Joe : I'm good. I just tripped! I'm okay. Let's go...
