Crossing Jordan (2001–2007)

Steve Valentine: Dr. Nigel Townsend

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nigel : Oh, Carpet Salesman of the Year 1989.

  Bug : Is there anything sadder than being Carpet Salesman of the Year?

  Nigel : How about still carrying the card in your wallet sixteen years later?

• Dr. Nigel Townsend : So if I killed my husband, where would I stash the body?

  Jordan : If you killed your husband you'd have to start in the closet.

• Woody : I'd appreciate if you handle this with a little bit of sensitivity. I don't know if you know this or not, but I'm up for a promotion this year. So if word got out...

  Nigel : Woody, Woody, Woody... I promise that I will keep an open mind, okay? And anyway sensitivity is my middle name.

  [opens the door] 

  Nigel : [shouts]  Sweet Mary in the manger!

• Lily : Have you ever done anything too wild in your past that's hurt you professionally?

  Nigel : Well, there was that one thing with the sword swallower and the bubble bath.

  [pause] 

  Nigel : Never mind.

• Nigel : Look, I don't know how much you know about Jordan, but-...

  Jordan : She's an enormous pain in the ass.

• Dr. Trey Sanders : How do you know all this, Nigel?

  Dr. Nigel Townsend : Insomnia and the History Channel. It's a lethal combination.

• Dr. Nigel Townsend : I paid seven homeless people to go dumpster diving for me.

  Macy : Who's money did you use?

  Dr. Nigel Townsend : Yours.

• [Jordan is banging computer keys in frustration] 

  Dr. Nigel Townsend : Please evacuate the keyboard area.

• Dr. Nigel Townsend : How big would you like it?

  [Maguire gives him a look] 

  Dr. Nigel Townsend : I meant the picture.

• Dr. Nigel Townsend : Jordan, you should know that last night will never happen again.

  Jordan : Oh God, what are we talking about here?

  Dr. Nigel Townsend : My new image in the workplace. No more Nigel-the-computer-jockey. Okay, I was swept up in the moment, but now it's truly done.

• Nigel : Uh, we've got good news and bad news.

  Bug : Give her the bad news first. She's a pessimist.

• Mr. Hummer : He will be preserved until his condition is reversible.

  Dr. Nigel Townsend : His condition is dead.

  Mr. Hummer : Man, you people are like a broken record.

• Devan Maguire : You know, I've been trying to shake the whole cheerleader image for years. Is it really that bad?

  Dr. Nigel Townsend : Keep trying, luv.

• Woody : Let's not jump to any hasty conclusions here. If I was looking for the wack-a-doo conspiracy version I would have called Jordan in.

  Nigel : I am some how both flattered and insulted by that.

• Nigel : I'm so glad you decided to go undercover Woody. You're blending right in.

  Woody : Sorry, I didn't get the memo. Did you sew those pants on yourself?

• [Nigel is asked if he can find out what's on a hard drive] 

  Nigel : Is the bear Catholic?

  Jordan : And if he is, does that mean the Pope...

• Dr. Nigel Townsend : The bullet then continues up the arm to break the humerus, not very funny in this case...

• Dr. Nigel Townsend : Hacking into this is a federal crime, you know!

  Jordan : Let's just keep it on my tab.

• Dr. Nigel Townsend : Why dine like kings when you're having dessert with Smith & Wesson?