Scrubs (2001–2010)
John C. McGinley: Dr. Perry Cox, Mr. Slidell
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. Cox : [to J.D] Don't ever be afraid to come to me with stuff like that. The simple fact that you actually seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor. Hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person.
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Dr. Cox : Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man Not Caring.
[points to self]
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Dr. Cox : Carla you devil I can't help but notice you love telling jokes. What was it you were saying about your coffee?
Carla : I said 'It's so good it's like crack'.
[nurses stare]
Dr. Cox : Normally you would hear crickets but they were uncomfortable about just how unfunny that was.
Carla : So what I'm not funny?
Dr. Cox : I think your very funny when your up on your high horse, you know when you stay right in your wheelhouse. Everyone is funny for something. Barbie is an emotional trainwreck, your husband sells with a cocky attitude...
Turk : Well you know I do what I do when I do what I do
Dr. Cox : Alice here sells it with a lost stare, and now that I've said Alice your picturing me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
[flash to Cox as the maid]
Dr. Cox : Am I right?
[cut back]
Dr. Cox : Then there are people with funny names... Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Col. Doctor, Snoop Dogg Intern...
Snoop Dogg Intern : Yo!
Dr. Cox : Sorry Snoop Dogg Resident. Laverne believes in God which is hilarious to me and Ted is the hospital sad sack.
Ted : I am?
Dr. Cox : Yes
Ted : Awwwww!
Dr. Cox : And me well, I'm funny cause I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T... T
[points pinky and makes sipping motion]
Dr. Cox : . To tell you the truth there is only one person here who is funny no matter what he says.
Dr. Kelso : Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's gettin heat stroke.
Dr. Cox : The point is *PLEASE* don't tell anymore jokes.
Ted : I'm not really a sad sack?
Carla : Ted your pen exploded.
Ted : [looks at shirt] Awww!
[realizes ink got on his hand and now is wiped on his head]
Ted : AWWWW MAN!
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Dr. Kelso : Dr. Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times?
Dr. Cox : Yes I did. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought, that's not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it - with your memo in the pocket - and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks.
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Dr. Cox : Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.
[shot of J.D and Elliot facing each other... Elliot walks away with neither of them saying a word]
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[Dr. Cox has been berating people after learning that his girlfriend slept with most of doctors to sell medicine]
Dr. Cox : I'm not angry. So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
Carla : Please! What about all the women you've slept with? Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...
Dr. Cox : Would you please get off my ex-wife?
Carla : I will if you will.
[Cox breaks down laughing]
Dr. Cox : Well... dammit! Gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you.
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Dr. Cox : Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming-out party?
J.D. : Is that a gay joke?
Dr. Cox : No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years - how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays - I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween - but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But that's really not fair...
J.D. : [thinking] Man, once Dr. Cox gets on a roll, there's nothing that can derail him.
Carla : [speaking from the desk behind them] My mom died.
[the two guys turn to look at her, speechless with concern]
J.D. : [thinking] Except that.
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Carla : Well?
Dr. Cox : I'm sorry, would you please repeat the question?
Carla : Are you just gonna roll over like that?
Jordan : That's weird, I asked him the same thing last night.
Carla : Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate?
Jordan : Again, last night!
Carla : You've gone soft.
Jordan : [Gasps] Okay, now it's getting spooky.
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Dr. Cox : You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy 26-year-old doctor who keeps whining about how horrible his father was.
J.D. : Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so...
Dr. Cox : Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage, and from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand. But for now, believe me when I tell you I wouldn't care if this was the first time you ever met your daddy. Because, in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job.
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Dr. Cox : [explaining he doesn't care it's JD's last week of residency] I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week. Let's see... low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everythingj every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions!
[turns away, then turns back]
Dr. Cox : Oh, and Hugh Jackman.
J.D. : Hugh Jackman is Wolverine! How dare he!
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Dr. Cox : Ah, sorry to interrupt you there, Bobbo, but I gotta ask you a quick question. Now, when you were born, nay, *spawned* by the Dark Prince himself, did that rat bastard forget to give you a hug before he sent you along your way? Because you can't just let two good nurses go on account of feeling small and insignificant. And besides, with your money, you ought to be able to keep a little man tucked away in the closet, and bring him out whenever you wanna *knock* him around, huh?
[to the interns]
Dr. Cox : As you were.
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[to J.D. and Elliot]
Dr. Cox : Ah, damn. I missed the annual sleep-over, didn't I? That wonderful time of the year when you two crazy kids throw all caution to the wind and make sweet, ellbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy. You can tell Uncle Coxy about the naughtay.
Elliot : Dr. Cox, I lost my apartment and I was just needing a place to stay...
Dr. Cox : ...so you went over to your friend's house and cried on his shoulder - boo-hoo-wah - and you of course comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable and blah, blah, blah, nerdy sex, the end. Dear lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long?
Nurse Roberts : Are you kidding? If he turns out to be her brother, this is better than my stories.
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Dr. Cox : They hate you Bob. They hate from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you. By God, they hate you good.
Dr. Kelso : [threateningly, to Nurse Roberts, who is chuckling] What is so funny?
Nurse Roberts : Oh just the hooves and pitchfork part.
[much more threateningly]
Nurse Roberts : Why?
Dr. Kelso : [Frightened] Uh, no reason.
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[about J.D]
Dr. Cox : Uh, Carla. Carla, have you, uh, have you seen Newbie?
Carla : Oh, he got off your leash?
Dr. Cox : [laughing] Give me a break. The kid's like... he's like a... have you ever seen a drunk baby?
[Carla stares at him]
Dr. Cox : Eh, it's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say, it turns out that, at first, it's... it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls, but man... you take your eyes off them for one second...
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[hits the table]
Dr. Cox : ...and bam! They got a bucket on their head, and they're plowing right through your brand new flat screen TV.
[whispering remorsefully]
Dr. Cox : God save me, it was barely out of the box.
[Carla continues to stare at him]
Dr. Cox : The point is... Newbie is my drunk baby.
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Dr. Cox : You'd better go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bob, because if your evil genie goes ahead and grants your wish and I'm gone forever, then the only one you're going to be able to contend with around here is yourself. And when you really get to know *that* person, oh, dear God, you'll scream so loud that Satan will want to tear up that contract he made with you at birth just so he can get some sleep.
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J.D. : [voice over] I guess what they say is true the people you work with really do become your family. Like your brother, and your sister in law,
[shot of Turk and Carla]
J.D. : or that cousin you have funny feelings for
[shot of Elliot]
J.D. : , and the crazy angry uncle everyone sort of hopes isn't coming this year.
J.D. : Dr. Cox, If you want you can come down here and hang out with...
Dr. Cox : Nobody talk, just drink.
J.D. : Ah uncomfortable silences and alcohol... just like Thanksgiving at home.
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[Jordan, his ex-wife]
Dr. Cox : She's the devil, Newbie. Don't look in her eyes, she might steal your soul.
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Dr. Cox : Well, gosh - I guess I became a doctor because ever since I was a little boy, I just wanted to help people. I don't tell this story often, but I remember when I was seven years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest, and so I picked him up and I brought him home, and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox.
[starts laughing]
Dr. Cox : I became a doctor for the same four reasons that everybody does - chicks, money, power and chicks.
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Carla : You know what your problem is?
Dr. Cox : There are times when I put myself into situ...
Carla : Oh my god, who answers that question? You see, *that* is your problem. You think you have the answers to everything, but instead you end up throwing gas on the fire, and everyone else has to pay the consequences.
Dr. Cox : That's almost exactly what I was going to say.
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Dr. Cox : Jordan! Get out of bed. We have a wedding to go to.
Jordan : Perry, Jack is at my mom's, the apartment is empty. It's just you and me... let's take a nap, we'll sleep through the ceremony and then go to the reception!
Dr. Cox : Can we at least have sex?
Jordan : [puts on sleeping mask] Do what you have to, don't wake me.
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Dr. Cox : I can't believe Kelso really asked my opinion, you know?
Janitor : Look, pal, if I wanted to sit and listen to someone jam around about their lifes, I'd be at my AA meeting now.
Dr. Cox : Listen there, scrub-brush. It just so happens that this was the only empty seat in the whole joint and besides, as a fellow abusive drinker you are honor bound by barstool protocol to listen to every last word out of my mouth.
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Dr. Cox : I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five Man Cards. Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, I'm going to take one from you.
J.D. : I don't need your approval, or your stupid Man Cards! Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy?
Dr. Cox : [snatching one of the cards] Thank you.
J.D. : Dammit!
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Elliot : Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox : I'm hoping for your sake there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me.
Elliot : I'm not sure what you were trying to teach me by sending me to Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Cox : The value, and this is important, of leaving me alone.
Elliot : I think we both know there's a little more to it than that.
Dr. Cox : No, trust me, there's not. Listen, missie, I want you to spread the word. I've... had... enough! The next whiney intern coming to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aïsha, I'm going to hurt!
[Dr. Cox jumps over the couch]
Dr. Cox : And you, you one-man freakshow, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-psychologist, because if you are so stupid to confront the chief of medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just gotta go ahead and change the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel.
Elliot : You're right, you're absolutely right. I have to learn to pick my battles. Thank you so much.
[Elliot leaves the room]
Dr. Cox : Y... you're welcome.
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J.D. : Look, Dr. Cox, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I honestly think the only reason that you're not down at that hospital right now is that... you're afraid.
Dr. Cox : I think you're right, I do. It's partly because you've gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's that well... I told you I was afraid earlier today... so please don't tell me you've come to reiterate things that I've already said, because I know the things that I've already said, in fact... I'm the one who said them.
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Dr. Cox : You know, the only way you could be more useless right now is if you actually were the wall. Now, it certainly is true that you'd at least be serving a purpose - specifically a surface for a jackass to lean against - but it could be argued that this is more useless than doing nothing.
[pause]
Dr. Cox : I know, it's a conundrum but don't you worry, I'll noodle it for you right here. Meanwhile, you just skip along, all right Shirley?
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Dr. Cox : You know, Bob, I've been thinking of all the times you manipulated me and toyed with me and I can't help but recall that children's fable about that race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him, but right at the end... oh, gosh I'm sure you remember what happened Bob, the tortoise bit clean through the Chief of Medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive right there on the racetrack. It's a disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me nonetheless.
Dr. Kelso : Buzzy, buzz, buzz...
Dr. Cox : I... beg your pardon?
Dr. Kelso : Oh, uh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound!
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Dr. Cox : [on the phone] Sure, Jordan, you can take over the master bathroom. Just make sure you leave my sleeping pills out. So that I could, you know, swallow about 300 of them...
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[Dr. Cox, Turk and J.D. are having very different woman problems]
Dr. Cox : I don't know what the hell she wants.
Chris Turk : I don't know if I'm what Carla really wants.
J.D. : My peeps are on the frits.
Dr. Cox : What?
Chris Turk : Whoa.
J.D. : No, I mean you're me peeps, and you're on the frits...
Chris Turk : Yeah, right.
Dr. Cox : God bless you newbie. You helped me get a new perspective on everything.
Chris Turk : Dude...
[Dr. Cox and Turk leave, the janitor approaches J.D]
Janitor : Thanks for the coffee. Here's your dollar.
[empties cup full of pennies on J.D.'s table]
Janitor : Oh, and by the way, your new nickname is Pepe LeFrits.
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Carla : You can deny you like her all you want. But, I know for a fact, that every time you guys are done playing racquetball or having a conversation or whatever it is you crazy kids are calling it, you like nothing more than to just lie next to Jordan and watch her sleep.
Dr. Cox : It would be impossible for me to lie next to Jordan. She sleeps hanging from a ramp in the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings.
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[JD was cooing to a baby]
Dr. Cox : Newbie, I know your ovaries are ahab-solutely tingling at the very sight of this little fella but you gotta snap out of it.
J.D. : Oh, I have to get to the funeral.
Dr. Cox : Well, raise my rent if you're not off to see Tasty Coma Wife, aren't you?
[explaining to Jordan]
Dr. Cox : Her husband was in a coma so long that she actually forgot what an attractive male looks like. Enter Errol Flynn here, whose conscience will not allow him to either swash or buckle her, but since hubby is now worm food, I'm guessing all bets are off, mmmmhmmmm?
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Dr. Cox : So what you're saying is you have a problem that is totally your problem but you'd like to find a way to make that problem my problem, but here's the problem, newbie, it ain't my problem.
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[an overweight patient has not been losing weight, despite Dr Cox's orders]
Dr. Cox : Lemme ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside somebody's clogged artery when all that person has to do, really is - oh, I don't know - go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that? And, I know here, I know I'm supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap, but you wanna hear the God's honest truth? And this is a fact: you are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?
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Dr. Cox : Oh and
[Whistles]
Dr. Cox : Lassie, in response to the bestiality rumors circulating about you, I have decided to forgo calling you by the usual girl's name, and instead I am going to refer to you as whatever famous dog I can think of. I have gone with Lassie because of course it satisfies the criteria of being both a girl's and a dog's name, thus helping you to ease into the transition
J.D. : I was just running kissing drills.
Dr. Cox : Oh, that is completely normal then.
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Dr. Cox : [whistles] Let's go, field trip.
Chris Turk : I got things to do, you know.
[still, he follows Dr. Cox]
Dr. Cox : Let me guess, you're off to another funeral. I'll make you a deal: you come with me right now, and if you're still late for the graveyard, I will personally scour the obituaries with you this weekend and you can just go nuts!
Chris Turk : Carla put you up to this?
Dr. Cox : No, it was my idea. I desperately want to be close with you, I just can't figure out how to connect. Turn around.
[Turk gives him a look]
Dr. Cox : [firm] Turn around.
[Turk does turn around, and the two look into the observation window of a patient in the I.C.U. The family is gathered around the bed as Dr. Wen speaks to them]
Dr. Cox : You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong, and that patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry - and then he's going back to work. Do you think anybody else in that room's going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves; that's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun. We do it so we can get by. And... sometimes because it's fun. But mostly it's the getting by thing.
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[about Dr. Cox]
Dr. Kelso : And I'll be damned if he doesn't disagree with everything I say just because I said it.
J.D. : Sir, I don't think that's true.
[Kelso turns over]
Dr. Kelso : It's hotter than hell in here, Perry!
Dr. Cox : Freezing!
Dr. Kelso : Great coffee, though!
Dr. Cox : Rat piss!
Dr. Kelso : Dr. Murphy here is an incompetent suck-up!
Dr. Cox : No, Bob, in fact he's one of the finest young doctors I ever had the good fortune of working with.
Dr. Kelso : [to J.D] Your witness.
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[a woman with her son comes over to Dr. Cox and Jordan and starts talking to their son, Jack]
Woman : Hi, cutie! Since you have so many balls, and too many toys can be overstimulating for an infant, Brantley here was wondering if he could borrow one to play with.
Dr. Cox : Oh, that's funny, because Jack here was just wondering why the crazy lady who just spent the last hour chain-smoking and talking on her cell phone while her kid ate sand, would come over to two complete strangers and give them parenting advice.
Jordan : Oh, he also thanked me for not naming him Brantley.
Dr. Cox : Yeah.
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[Standing next to J.D. and Dr. Kelso]
Dr. Cox : Goodness gracious, suddenly I'm getting the most intense headache. Let me see if this relieves the pain.
[grabs J.D. and shoves him in between him and Kelso]
Dr. Cox : Better!
[pushes J.D. away]
Dr. Cox : Worse!
[Pulls him back]
Dr. Cox : Better!
[and away again]
Dr. Cox : Worse! Oh, I could do this all day.
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J.D. : Hey there, research buddy!
Dr. Cox : We're only four seconds in and I'm already regretting my decision.
J.D. : [hits a bell] Things Jordan says during sex!
[drops giant stack of carefully sorted files]
J.D. : ... there's a good chance I'm gonna kill someone.
Dr. Cox : [hits a bell] Things you say when you talk to your patients.
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Dr. Miller : Listen, if Dr. Kelso had asked me to go somewhere that I thought was actually good for my career, I'd be gone so fast you'd be left staring at an imaginary woman's chest as she was trying to make a point.
Dr. Cox : Oh I'm, I'm sorry, it's my fault. That dress just screams, Respect me as a doctor!
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Dr. Cox : Boy oh boy, does it look like you pissed off the wrong guy there, crunchy! And trust me, he'll make ya pay.
Dr. Clock : Oh, Dr. Kelso's all bluster. Underneath it all, I'll bet he's a sweetheart.
Dr. Cox : No no, underneath it all, he is pure evil.
Dr. Clock : Perry, no one's pure evil! I mean, yes, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center.
Dr. Cox : There are plenty of people, here, on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and on the inside!
Dr. Clock : So they'd have more of a nougaty center?
Dr. Cox : Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.
Dr. Clock : [rubbing Dr. Cox's stomach and speaking in a sing-song voice] I'm touching your creamy center!
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Dr. Cox : Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? No! That's my son. He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big I'm actually considering hiring a stable boy.
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Dr. Cox : [talking to J.D. and Elliot who have been promoted to co-chief residents] You have a bunch of monkey interns. It's your job as co-chief residents to catch whatever they're flinging!
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Dr. Cox : [whispering, to Turk] You stole my moment... and you will pay.
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Dr. Cox : Newbie, stay. Stay. Bad newbie. That's a very bad newbie.
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[Dr. Cox, explaining why he dislikes Julie, the drug rep]
Dr. Cox : [whispering] Would you like to know the real dirty, dirty little secret? It's that your drug is so damn good that you guys went and put about a 600% markup on it.
[laughs]
Dr. Cox : But hey, the only ones get hurt are the sick people, right? And since your company *damn* sure doesn't care about them, and you're part of the system, well that just means you don't care either, and that's pretty much what's making me sick, that's all.
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[Carla has stood up for JD against Dr Cox]
Dr. Cox : Oh, and Ginger, by the way - just a real smooth move runnin' to your mommy.
J.D. : Excuse me?
Dr. Cox : Yeah, your mommy cah-rushed me today. I'm serious.
[to the various doctors and patients in the busy hospital]
Dr. Cox : Uh, I'd like to issue a warning to everybody, and I'm dead serious. FYI, JD's mommy has made it perfectly clear she doesn't want her daughter picked on. Nothing mean, she's a precious flower, and we should all be super-nice to her.
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[mimicking Dr. Cox in front of him]
J.D. : [whistles] Here's the deal, Eleonore. We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. So while drop an NG2 and do a gastric lavage, why don't you go ahead and get an order order on EKG with cardio-bio-markers? If you need to know where those are, they are on page 37 of the Ann Teller catalogue, right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you wanted for so long but haven't had the courage to order, because you worried the weave is so thin, your nipples just might go ahead and peak their pink selves through! Isn't that right, Dr. Cox? Dr. Cooox!
Dr. Cox : [mimicking the J.D. daydream stare] Uhm, I'm sorry. Here I was in my own little world, talking to myself, dreaming about candy bracelets.
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Dr. Cox : I don't want to hear anything out of that man's mouth other than Oh no, I'm dying, there's a bright light, but wait a minute, this is wrong, I'm in hell! Hitler, Musollini... Captain Kangaroo? That's not right.
-
Dr. Cox : I don't necessarily buy all this new-agey crap. One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan. And d'you know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party.
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Dr. Kelso : I am considering offering full body scans here at Sacred Hearts. What do you think?
Dr. Cox : I think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking an invasive and often pointless test is an... unholy sin!
Dr. Kelso : Yeah, sounds a little sketchy ethically.
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Dr. Cox : [while JD is coming up behind Dr. Cox] Oh, I am so very angry that I'm going to find someone to kill just to prove her wrong.
[JD sneaks away while ominous music plays]
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Dr. Kelso : Perry, what's our plan of attack?
Dr. Cox : When I crush a person's spirit, I like to use a combination of intimidation and degradation.
Dr. Kelso : I prefer to create an environment in which the subjects end up crushing themselves.
Dr. Cox : [intrigued] Uh-huh.
Janitor : [while JD is coming up behind the Janitor] I like to pick one person and torment them relentlessly for no reason. If I could find them, I'd show you.
[JD sneaks away while ominous music plays]
Janitor : He's near...
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Dr. Cox : Oh, my God! I just gagged and vomited at the same time. I gavomited.
-
Dr. Cox : By the by, this moment is so great that I would cheat on that other moment with it, marry it, and raise a family of tiny little moments.
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Dr. Cox : I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.
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Dr. Cox : [to a teen who has stopped taking her epilepsy medication] If this continues, you will be dead. And I'm not talking about the "Oh, my God, if I don't get invited to the prom, I'm going to die" type of dead, I'm talking *dead*, dead. Is that clear enough for you? Because if it's not, I could of course text you on my Blackberry or my Blueberry or my Chuck Berry... although technically Chuck Berry is a blackberry... the point is, you gotta stop wasting everyone's time and grow up. Is that clear to you, sweetheart?
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Dr. Cox : [about Doug] I swear, that young man has killed so many people, I'm starting to think he just might be a government agent.
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[referring to a huge influx of patients because of a news report on E.coli]
J.D. : What the hell are we supposed to do?
Dr. Cox : Loretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV induced panic there is - poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, Monkeypox, pop rocks, toilet snakes, Mad Cow, Bird Flu, Swine Flu, and quite frankly every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicated with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this - narrow it down to two symptoms; vomiting and diarrhea. Cause it's just not E.coli unless
[walking away, miming]
Dr. Cox : it's firing out of both exits.
J.D. : [to Elliot] Certainly hope I don't have Dog Flu.
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[classroom full of residents are unruly and not paying attention to Dr. Cox. The entire room suddenly becomes silent at the sight of Dr. Cox fuming]
J.D. : Uh-oh.
Dr. Cox : First off, let me just say, thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollypops, and lets face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because you see I
[pointing at self]
Dr. Cox : am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass outa here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five.
-
Dr. Cox : [to J.D] Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact the wall in which you're leaning against, of course, then you would be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it, I'll tackle that one right upstairs. In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work, and right about now, even though you don't have your basket, its just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley... skip away... skip away... skip away, skip, skip, skip to my loo, woohoo!
-
Dr. Cox : The man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.
Carla : Aw, that is so sweet.
Dr. Cox : Yeah, it is...
J.D. : What about his subconscious?
Dr. Cox : [leaning down to the patients ear] Eisenhower... was a sissy.
[he rears back and puts his dukes up. Nothing happens. He turns to JD]
Dr. Cox : I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.
-
Dr. Kelso : I'm being honored tonight by the Board of Trustees, and they asked me to say a few words.
Dr. Cox : Oh! Yawn.
Dr. Kelso : Anyway, I would like you to be the one who introduces me.
Dr. Cox : Wow! Seriously?
Dr. Kelso : Yeah!
Dr. Cox : Not interested.
Dr. Kelso : I didn't ask if you were interested.
Dr. Cox : Bob, I deeply dislike you. Honestly, it keeps me up at night.
Dr. Kelso : Well, then, use that passion! Put that rage on the page!
Dr. Cox : Here's an idea: Why not use Big Chief Flop-Sweat, here?
Dr. Kelso : [coldly] Ted's not an impressive man.
Ted : Hey...! That - Ah, he's right.
-
[JD and Turk are walking outside the hospital when a computer falls from the building and lands in front of them; Dr. Cox is sticking his body out a high story window]
Dr. Cox : Sorry, girls, I seemed to have dropped my computer... meh-ya.
-
Dr. Kelso : [after wanting rounds back] Dr. Cox, could I talk to you for a second?
Dr. Cox : Okay, Bobbo. But you're just gonna have to put your hand up like the other interns.
Dr. Kelso : Please?
Dr. Cox : Come on now, Bobbo. You've got five good ones right there. Just put 'em in the air like you just don't care.
Dr. Kelso : Get here right now!
-
Dr. Cox : Honestly, I haven't been this happy since Christmas when I was seven years old and my father showed me how to make a snow angel. Actually, he was passed out drunk in the yard... But I did take his arms and his legs and move them back and forth... And... th-the paramedics said it was one of the finest snow angels that they'd ever seen. So, maybe the fact that I am the kinder, gentler Cox is every last bit of okay. Maybe it's a... a natural progression. It's not like there's any real ramifications...
[laughs]
Dr. Cox : ... right?
-
Nurse Roberts : Why don't you try some of my world famous deviled eggs?
Dr. Cox : No thanks, I already had diarrhea today.
-
Dr. Cox : You're still here? I thought you'd be gone off continuing on what ever wayward journey your on.
Dan : I just wanted to say a few things to you, Perry. I've never been much of a good example to my brother... Johnny will never look up to me, but when I see you two together he hangs on every word you say as if it's his entire world. If you ever let him down you'll answer to me.
