The Office (2001–2003)

Ricky Gervais: David Brent

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Quotes 

• David Brent : You just have to accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

• David Brent : Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous! No - purely social. I know someone who is an alchoholic and it is no laughing matter - particularly for his wife. And she's got alopecia. So... not a happy homelife.

• David Brent : Don't assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".

• David Brent : A philosopher once wrote you need three things to have a good life. One, a meaningful relationship, two, a decent job of work, and three, to make a difference. And it was always that third one that stressed me, to make a difference. And I realise that I do. Every day, we all do. It's how we interact, with our fellow man.

  Peter : How would you like to be remembered?

  David Brent : Simply, as, the man who put a smile on the face of all who he met.

• David Brent : I don't look upon this like it's the end, I look upon it like it's moving on you know. It's almost like my work here's done. I can't imagine Jesus going 'Oh, I've told a few people in Bethlehem I'm the son of God, can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?' No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that's, very much like... me. My world does not end within these four walls, Slough's a big place. And when I've finished with Slough, there's Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell, you know I've got to-Didcott, Yately. You know. My-Winersh, Taplow. Because I am my own boss, I can-Burfield. I can wake up one morning and go 'Ooh, I don't feel like working today, can I just stay in bed?' 'Ooh, don't know, better ask the boss.' 'David can I stay in bed all day?' 'Yes you can David.' Both me, that's not me in bed with another bloke called David.

• David Brent : I gave a speech only this morning to my staff assuring them that there would not be cutbacks at this branch and there certainly wouldn't be redundancies, so...

  Jennifer Taylor-Clark : Well, why on Earth would you do that?

  David Brent : Why? Oh, don't know. A little word I think's important in management called morale.

  Jennifer Taylor-Clark : Well, surely it's going to be worse for morale in the long run when there ARE redundancies and you've told people that there won't be.

  [pause] 

  David Brent : They won't remember.

• David Brent : Let's agree to disagree.

  Neil Godwin : No. Let's agree that you agree with me.

• David Brent : People see me, and they see the suit, and they go: "you're not fooling anyone", they know I'm rock and roll through and through. But you know that old thing, live fast, die young? Not my way. Live fast, sure, live too bloody fast sometimes, but die young? Die old. That's the way- not orthodox, I don't live by "the rules" you know. And if there's one other person who's influenced me in that way I think, someone who is a maverick, someone who does that to the system, then, it's Ian Botham. Because Beefy will happily say "that's what I think of your selection policy, yes I've hit the odd copper, yes I've enjoyed the old dooby, but will you piss off and leave me alone, I'm walking to John O'Groats for some spastics."

• David Brent : There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go 'ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced.' Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not, it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.

• David Brent : How old would you say I was, if you didn't know me?

  Employee : Forty?

  David Brent : No, how old do you think I look?

  Employee : Ummm... thirty-nine?

  David Brent : Most people think I look about thirty.

  Employee : Definitely not.

  David Brent : Oh, are you calling them liars? How old do YOU think I look?

  Oliver : Between thirty and forty?

  David Brent : Yes. More honest.

• David Brent : When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer's always the same, to me, they're not mutually exclusive.

• David Brent : I don't live by "The Rules" you know, and if there's one person who has influenced me in that way of thinking, someone who is a maverick, someone who does 'that' to the system then it's Ian Botham.

• David Brent : They're malleable, and you know that's what I like really, you know. I don't like people who come here: 'Ooh, we did it this way, we did it that way'. I just wanna go do it this way. If you like. If you don't... Team playing-I call it team individuality, it's a new, it's like a management style. Again guilty, unorthodox, sue me.

• David Brent : Some people are intimidated when talking to large numbers of people in an entertaining way. Not me.

• David Brent : Is this why you're around all the time? Keeping tabs on me? I don't need a babysitter, you know, so...

  Neil Godwin : Well, with respect David, I think you do.

• David Brent : The reason I put "If it's in you, I'll find it" is, if I waste good time and money looking for it, and see it's definitely not in you, I don't wanna be sued 'cos you haven't got it, so, you know, not gonna get me on that.

• [repeated line] 

  David Brent : So that's...

• David Brent : Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty... satisfaction. That's what I'm... you know. Trust people and they'll be true to you. Treat them greatly, and they will show themselves to be great.