Trailer Park Boys (2001–2018)

Patrick Roach: Randy

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Ricky : [to Randy]  Listen man, if you go down to the store and pick me up some "ja-lap-ano" chips and $2 worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.

  Randy : Does anyone else want anything while I'm down there?

  Julian : [pronouncing Jalapeño correctly]  Yeah, pick me up a bag of Jalapeño chips.

  Ricky : Jalapeño? What flavor is that?

  Julian : Ricky, the J is silent. You're saying it wrong.

  Bubbles : The J is like an H, Ricky. "Hal-a-peeno", not "ja-lap-ano".

  Ricky : [confused]  What in the fuck are you guys talking about?

  Bubbles : "Hal-a-peeno". That's how you pronounce it.

  Ricky : I know how to pronounce it! I ordered fuckin' ja-lap-ano!

• Julian : You're prostituting yourself out for cheeseburgers again, aren't you?

  Randy : A man's gotta eat, Julian.

• Ricky : Don't you have some offs to fuck there, boys?

  Randy : What?

  Ricky : Fuck off!

• Randy : ...I want my barbeque.

  Ricky : You know what Randy, you're totally right and you know what I'm gonna do for ya?

  Randy : What?

  Ricky : Jack Shit.

• Randy : I can't get stoned, Ricky.

  Ricky : What do you mean? It's shitty work. Everybody does that, all right? Carpenters, electricians, dishwashers, floor cleaners, lawyers, doctors, fuckin' politicians, CBC employees, principals, people who paint the lines on the fuckin' roads, get stoned, it'll be fun, get to work! Oh, and this is the most important, go down to the Shit-Mart. I need a bag of chicken chips. If they don't have chicken, get me dill pickle. And I want a chocolate milk.

• Bubbles : Everybody calm down! For fucks sakes! Is this all about cheeseburgers?

  Randy : Yes!

  Bubbles : Well Randy, I've got some burger meat at my shed, I'll cook some up for you, if that'll diffuse the situation!

• Bubbles : Do you want to see a rocket go, Randy?

  Randy : Does it really launch, Bubbles?

  Bubbles : [rhetorically]  Does it really launch? Does the tin man have a sheet metal cock?

• J-Roc : Can't we talk? You're acting awful hard Randy.

  Randy : Well sometimes life is hard, J-Roc.

  J-Roc : Randy, sometimes, you're fat. You don't hear me talk about that, do you?

  [Pointing to baby-mamas] 

  J-Roc : Look down dawg, nawmsayin'? Ya understand? Seems to me, like you should be able to understand and be sympathetic to what it's like to be pregnant, dawg.

  Randy : What are you talking about, J-Roc?

  J-Roc : Oh what, you a'int pregnant with a bucket of chicken?

  [Addressing unborn child] 

  J-Roc : Hey, lemme tell you somethin' little mafucker. When you grow up, don't grow up to be like that mafucker right there!

  [Pointing to Randy] 

  J-Roc : Randy, you a'int even had your ultrasound yet, have you dawg? I could do you right now.

  [Uses bling like a stethoscope] 

  J-Roc : I hear chicken. I hear cola fizz, and mustard and relish coagulating together with french fries and onion rings, but you know what? I don't hear a heart, motherfucker. C'mon ladies, let's pack this shit up. That's whack, Randy. Go on with your wallet. AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU, HAIRY BITCH!

• Mr. Lahey : He's takin' the shit tornado right back to Oz.

  Randy : Well that would make Sam, Dorothy. Right Mr. Lahey?

  Mr. Lahey : Right, Randy.

• Ricky : What in the fuck are you dressed up as a bumblebee for? And why do you look like Indianapolis Jones?

  Mr. Lahey : It's none of your goddamn business, Ricky. If you must know, Randy and I were rehearsing for a play for the Blandford Recreation Centre next Thursday.

  Randy : No! Mr. Lahey, we weren't rehearsing for a play.

  Mr. Lahey : We were practicing, Randy.

  Randy : It's not Halloween, we're not doing community theatre.

  Mr. Lahey : Randy...

  Randy : Were consenting adults. And what we do in the privacy of our own home is... is fine, Mr. Lahey.

  Mr. Lahey : Randy, please.

  Randy : And I don't care. I don't care if the whole world knows that we like to dress up, that we like to have some fun... and that, we're a couple. Hey everybody! We're gay!

  Ricky : [shocked]  What?

  Randy : Say it Mr. Lahey. It feels great.

  Mr. Lahey : [long pause]  Alright Randy. We'll do it your way. Everybody... I'm gay.

  [the camera turns to a shocked Bubbles, who akwardly turns away] 

• Ricky : [sees Randy showering outside]  Randy, I can see you through all those goddamn liquor bags and lawn-chair strapping, fucksakes!

  Randy : Well, stop friggin' looking, Rick!

• Randy : Frozen mixed vegetable cocks!