The N.Y. Friars Club Roast of Hugh Hefner (2001 TV Special)

Jimmy Kimmel: Self

Quotes 

• Jimmy Kimmel : If you're a regular viewer of Mad TV, and who is?, you may recognize our next roaster, Artie Lange!

• Jimmy Kimmel : Drew Carey, everybody. Drew looks great. Some of you white folks may be wondering, "What the hell is Ice-T doing here?". I know I am. The truth is Ice-T threatened to shoot us if we didn't invite him tonight. Bitches and gentlemen, put your hands behind your heads and your wallets on the table for Ice-T!

• Jimmy Kimmel : You may know our next roaster from his Cleo Award-winning 1-800-COLLECT commercials, where he was recently dumped in favor of Carrot Top. Not many people can say that, folks. Or perhaps you've seen him on "The Man Show". Ladies and gentlemen, the albatross around my neck, Adam Carolla.

• Jimmy Kimmel : When Drew Carey recovered from emergency angioplasty last month, comedy was dealt a near-fatal blow. You know Drew from his ABC shitcom "The Drew Carey Show", where he plays 'Mimi', and from "Whose Line is it Anyway?", where he pretends to laugh at guys pretending to improvise.

  Jimmy Kimmel : But unlike a lot of people, Drew Carey does his part for the American economy - keeping thousands of young prostitutes gainfully employed. By the way, Cleveland sucks! Your football team is the color of shit! Drew Carey, everybody!

• Jimmy Kimmel : Alan King, everybody, Alan King! The great Alan King. All right, we're here tonight to honor a great man, perhaps one of the greatest men that ever lived. Nearly fifty years ago, Hugh Hefner began building an empire with nothing more than a sex-addiction and a dream.

  Jimmy Kimmel : He's been called a visionary, a genius, a pioneer of free-speech, but when I think of Hugh Hefner, what comes to mind is rubbing my dong until it squirts. He is an inspiration to masturbation. He's the George Washington of jacking-off. I could go on and on, but what can you say about Hef that hasn't been mumbled incoherently by a thousand young women with his cock in their mouths?

  Jimmy Kimmel : And still, despite his age, one woman alone cannot satiate Hef's sexual appetite. Look at this table. The man has seven girlfriends and no erections. That Viagra isn't just keeping you hard, it's keeping you alive.

  Jimmy Kimmel : I've read just about every issue of Playboy since I was fifteen years old and not once did I see a Playmate say her turn-ons was fucking a 75 year-old man. Unbelievable.

  Jimmy Kimmel : This is going to be a fun night, and before we get started, let me say this: New York is the greatest city in the world. Yeah, that's right. I'm glad to be here, and I think everybody here will agree that right about now we could use a little laughter. Unfortunately though, our first roaster is Rob Schneider.

  Jimmy Kimmel : You know Rob from "Saturday Night Live" and from "The Animal". I love both your movies, Rob. Then again I also love watching homeless people play with themselves on the subway. This man is a huge talent in a tiny body. Rob is so short, he doesn't even need to bend over to kiss Adam Sandler's ass. But I'll let you be the judge of his height. Ladies and gentlemen - Douche Bagelow himself - Rob Schneider!

• Jimmy Kimmel : Our next roaster - Jeffrey Ross - is to the Friars' Club what Lizzie Grubman is to the Auto Club. You may have seen Jeff on last year's Roast of Rob Reiner, on the Roast of Jerry Stiller, or Drew Carey before that, because you certainly haven't seen him anywhere else.

  Jimmy Kimmel : The Friars' Club roast has transformed Jeffrey from an unknown comic from New Jersey to a virtually-unknown comic from New Jersey. Making his first and final television appearance this year - Jeffrey Ross!

• Jimmy Kimmel : Black people think our next roaster is very funny. He took the name "Cedric the Entertainer" because it paid better than the name "Cedric the Janitor". From the "Kings of Comedy" and a truly awful show on The WB, Cedric the Entertainer!

• Jimmy Kimmel : It's so good to see Rerun back on top. From "The Rosie O'Donnell Show" and the Broadway stage, our musical director tonight, Grammy- and Emmy Award-winning Mr. John McDaniel and his orchestra! All right. Next, we have a woman about whom I have nothing bad to say in the hope that she'll add me to the very, very long list of comedians she's had sex with. The lovely, and extremely slutty, Sarah Silverman!