Old School (2003)

Luke Wilson: Mitch

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mitch Martin : True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...

• Mitch : I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.

  Beanie : Why in front of the kid? With the F-ing? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him. "Earmuffs". Then you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch", whatever you want.

  Frank : Cock. Balls.

  Beanie : I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.

• Mitch : Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?

  Cab Driver : I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat.

• Weensie : [after learning he's going to be expelled]  Listen, this is a serious situation. I mean, I'm kicked out of school. I don't know what I'm gonna do, man. My mom's gonna kill me.

  Mitch : C'mon, she's not gonna kill you.

  Weensie : Yes she is. See, I'm the first one to go to college in my family and when I left she said, "Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you." She showed me the knife.

• Frank : A little housewarming gift.

  Mitch : I actually gave this to you for your wedding.

  Frank : This model?

  Mitch : That exact one.

• Mitch : Please be honest with me. Tell me this is the first time this has ever happened.

  Heidi : Well, do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you this is the first time?

• Mitch : Wow. Cheese. Is that you?

  Dean Pritchard : Hello, Mitch. Bernard. I see you guys haven't changed much.

  Beanie : Who's this guy?

  Mitch : Beanie, you remember Cheese, Rodney's kid brother?

  Dean Pritchard : Actually, my name's not Cheese anymore. It's Gordon Pritchard.

  Beanie : Oh, yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?

  Dean Pritchard : Yea, I got out.

  Beanie : Cool man. Good. Glad you did.

• Beanie : [after finding out that it's in the bylaw that the only way to keep the fraternity is take a course of tests but Beanie does not want to do it]  Who'se lives are ruined?

  Mitch Martin : Well, see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And now we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school, and you're not even gonna help them.

• Beanie : Whose life is ruined?

  Mitch : Let's see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I've lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school and you're not even gonna help them out.

• Mitch : I wasn't looking for a girl like that.

  Beanie : Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.

• Nicole : I heard one of your pledges died. Is that true?

  Mitch : Well, yes, but Blue was really old. And I feel pretty confident when we get the autopsy back it'll say natural causes.

• Mitch Martin : At this point, you may be asking yourself, why am I holding this 30 pound cinderblock in my hands? You might also ask yourself, why does this cinderblock have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?

  Beanie : And the answer, ladies... is trust.

• Gang Bang Guy : Hello.

  Mitch : Yeah?

  Gang Bang Guy : I'm here for the gangbang...

• Frank : Hey, I just want to thank you one last time for being here. It's the best day ever.

  Beanie : Don't even start with me, Franklin, okay? You need to walk away from this ASAP.

  Frank : What?

  Beanie : You need to get out, Frankie. This is it. It's now or never. You need to get out of here while you're still single.

  Frank : I'm not single.

  Beanie : She's 30 yards away, you're single now.

  Frank : Come on, Marissa's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

  Beanie : Why don't you give that six months. You don't think that'll change? I got a wife, kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frankie?

  Beanie : There's my wife. See that? Always smiling? Hi, honey. Judging, watching, "Look at the baby."

  Mitch Martin : She's coming down the aisle, Beanie. Let it go.

• Mitch : Who's this guy?

  Beanie : Oh, that's Blue. An old navy vet who hangs around my store a lot. Don't worry. He's legit.

  Mitch : He looks like he's one hundred years old and he wants to pledge?

  Beanie : You kidding me? Old man river can't shut up about it.

• Mitch : All I want to do is get some fucking sleep.

• Beanie : Girls love a guy who's in your situation.

  Mitch : What situation?

  Beanie : Mitch. You're on the rebound. You're like an injured young fawn who's been nursed back to health and is finally going to be released back into the wilderness.

• Mitch : A professor lived here for like thirty years and died.

  Beanie : That's awesome.

• Mitch : So what are you? Campus security?

  Dean Pritchard : Try again.

  Beanie : Jevohah Witness?

  Dean Pritchard : I'm the Dean. Dean Pritchard.

• Jerry : What sort of actual association will you have with the university?

  Mitch Martin : Who are these people?

  Frank : I don't know.

  Beanie : Well, legally speaking, there will be a loose affiliation. But, we will give nothing back to the academic community. As well as provide no public service of any kind. This much I promise you.

• Mitch : This is my house. I live here, Beanie. I'm 30 years old. None of us are enrolled in the college.

• Mitch : You don't understand me Beanie, it's sexual harassment. I mean I could go to jail for this.

  Beanie : For what? Being Awesome? Besides Mitch, how old did you say this girl was, 17 years old? Mitch, that's a total grey area.

  Mitch : It's a total felony.

• Mitch : Beanie, you remember, Cheese.

  Beanie : Oh, yeah. Cheeeeese... Didn't we lock you in the dumpster one time?

  Dean Pritchard : [aggitated]  I got out.

  Beanie : Cool, man.

• Mitch : I haven't seen Frank's dad in like eight years.

  Frank : I love you, Dad.

• Mitch Martin : Denver? The sunshine state? Gorgeous!