- Charo: [the cast has just learned they will be assisting parapsychologist Dr. Larry Montz in determining if an abandoned mental hospital is haunted] People alive don't understand me. How in the world a ghost is going to understand me?
- Dr. Larry Montz: Because they communicate more telepathically than verbally, so they're not going to be worried about your accent.
- Charo: Oh.
- [Laughs nervously]
- M.C. Hammer: Even if I did have the worst upset stomach, it would have been done in 5 minutes. I'm a professional.
- Corey Feldman: Your a professional crapper?
- Charo: [trying to get out of Flava Flav's arms in bed] Uh-uh, no spooning. Because spooning leads to forking.
- Dave Coulier: [on meeting his housemates] I had to learn two new languages that day - Charo and Flavor Flav!
- Charo: [on meeting Flavor Flav] The first few minutes, I didn't put it together that it was Flavor Flake.
- Ryan Starr: It's not like you're ugly or anything.
- Jordan Knight: [sarcastically] Oh, thanks for tellin' me I ain't ugly.
- Charo: [about Ryan Starr] She didn't want to sleep with Brigitte Nielsen because she's a crazy bitch.
- [Flavor Flav sees Brigitte Nielson holding the dog while topless]
- Flavor Flav: What are you doing, breast feeding the dog?
- [Dave Coulier shows Flavor Flav a pair of binoculars]
- Flavor Flav: You can go and sneak up on Brigitte cause she be having the knockers laying down on her chest, kid. For real.
- [Looks through binoculars]
- Flavor Flav: Uh oh, Brigitte, I see you, G.
- Charo: [while standing in an elevator shaft where a patient was allegedly crushed to death] I hear the guy, okay? I'm sorry for him, but I want... I... I want to be alive.
- Charo: [On being separated from Jordan to go investigate the electroshock therapy room] If you leave me here alone that's the end of my... of me. I'm a chicken, Doctor. I have a big mouth that's all it is, but I'm a chicken.
- Charo: [after seeing the electric chair in the electroshock therapy room] I was terrified to see the electric chair. You know why? Think about it! How many people been electrified in this chair. It's not a toy. It's the chair that alot of people have been sit down there, close their eyes and get roasted.
- Verne Troyer: [after seeing Adrianne naked, under sushi] I thought... wow... Jesus... this is heaven.
- Adrianne Curry: [sees Verne really weird] Verne... Verne... I'm gonna leave water here.
- Verne Troyer: [moans] Okay.
- [moans again]
- Adrianne Curry: That was pretty uncomfortable... it was kind of... orgasmic moaning.
- Christopher Knight: [making a movie] Jane... I don't think there's time for that. We should just get to rehearsing.
- Jane Wiedlin: [annoyed] Okay, Chris, I know you're trying to help and you've had more experience in directing than I've had... but if you could butt out, that be nice.
- Vanilla Ice: [after someone rejects their cookies] We're in the middle of fucking America lady! Buy some fucking cookies!
- Tammy Faye Bakker: Oh God.
- Adrianne Curry: [about a scene in The Seven Samurais of Death between her and Christopher Knight] The script called for a kiss. But there was a lot of tongue involved.
- Marcus Schenkenberg: This is salty, like the pee of my sister!
- Adrianne Curry: ...
- Marcus Schenkenberg: I'm just guessing.
- Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: [about Janice] The woman is just, ugh, I feel so bad for her children.
- Janice Dickinson: [to a mentally-challenged person] Hey, Rain Man!
- Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: I can not even *fathom* someone making fun of a mentally-challenged person.
- Janice Dickinson: Omarosa comes walking out like she's some kind of supermodel! Omarosa looks like Rick James' Siamese twin.
- Janice Dickinson: [Omarosa sprays mousse in her hand, startling Janice] I thought something came out of her ass... like a poopy fart.
- Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: So you don't have a temper?
- Jose Canseco: Not at all.
- Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Well, I do.
- Jose Canseco: [while getting dressed for a strip show, Jose decides to put on something tiny that will reveal his genitals] I'll wear this.
- Caprice Bourret: That's gonna go over your wiener?
- Caprice Bourret: You sure you wanna go there?
- Jose Canseco: If I'm gonna strip, I at least have to do it right.
- Caprice Bourret: Jose is definitely not afraid to show his female side.
- Janice Dickinson: [Bronson is drilling nails] You're not drilling hard enough.
- Bronson Pinchot: You know what, you said that to me last night... and it's very insulting.
- Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: [about Jose] My, my, what steroids can do to a body! That man is *hot*!