Cheaper by the Dozen (2003)

Steve Martin: Tom Baker

Photos 

Quotes 

• Tom : You soaked his underwear in meat. That is so wrong. Funny, but wrong.

• Tom : [after him and Dylan and the chandelier have crashed to the floor]  You know, for the entire minute and a half we lived here... l really hated that chandelier.

• Kate : Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today.

  Sarah Baker : Yes!

  Kate : Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist's appointment at three o'clock, so you're going to work with Dad.

  Nigel Baker , Kyle Baker : Yeah!

  [yells] 

  Tom : [yells] 

• Kate : My book's getting published.

  Tom : Did I tell you we're going to have it all?

  Kate : You've never said that.

  Tom : [Sweeping Kate onto the bed]  I'm telling you now, baby.

  Lorraine : [Rushing from the room]  Oh my god, can you guys just please wait till I leave the room?

  Tom : [Between kisses]  Can you hurry?

• [Sarah has just orchestrated a major practical joke against Hank] 

  Tom : You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.

• Charlie : Did I mention I don't like you very much?

  Tom : Yeah, you mentioned that.

  Charlie : Then I'm good.

• Tom : You were checking me out, weren't you?

  Kate : Yes, I was. You got a problem with that?

  Tom : Twelve kids later and we still got the heat.

  Kate : Whoo!

• Tina Shenk : Is Jake your only child?

  Kate : Oh no. We have 12.

  Tom : I couldn't keep her off of me.

• Tom : [picking an athletic cup out of the spaghetti sauce]  Ah... Pasta de la croch.

• Nora : I've searched everywhere. Nothing.

  Tom : Where's Hank?

  Nora : He's not going to make the cut.

  Tom : I hope the family isn't to blame.

  Nora : [smiles]  They're totally to blame.

  [hug] 

• Tom : [phoning a "nanny" service]  Hello my name is Tom Baker and I am interested in hiring a domestic helper.

  [responding to question on phone] 

  Tom : I have twelve kids.

  [person on phone says something] 

  Tom : Actually I am serious.

  Tom : [next call]  Just twelve

  Tom : [next call]  There's only two, oh plus ten.

  Tom : [next call]  How many kids? Well, uh, when you get here we can just count 'em up.

  Tom : [next call]  Well, there's twelve. But one doesn't live with me and one you never see cause he's so mad.

  Tom : [next call]  Uh, a dozen.

  Tom : [next call]  Just, just twelve.

  Tom : [last call]  Hello, I'll just hang up by myself.

• Tom : They're like kittens.

• Kate : You need a paramedic?

  Tom : No, just a pair o' knees.

• Tom : Clean up on aisle 12.

• Mark : Have you seen Beans dad?

  Tom : Sorry, Charlie, er, Nigel, Kyle.

  Mark : It's Mark.

  Tom : I knew that.

• Tom : She says she will help us out if they can stay in the same room.

  Kate : No. No way. No, she knows the rules.

  [Talking to the kids] 

  Kate : She wants to have her own room when she's here isn't that sweet,

  [to Tom] 

  Kate : no.

• Tom : Hey, guys. Remember Shake? We played college ball together.

  Nigel Baker : Yeah, the hot dog.

  [Tom gives him a look] 

  Nigel Baker : Mom said it first.

  Shake : We're having adult time here, boys.

  Kyle Baker : No idea what that means.

  Tom : Well, it's this crazy thing where grown-ups actually get to have a conversation without being interrupted by kids.

  Kyle Baker : Sounds wicked boring.

  Shake : It is. So why don't you run along?

  Kyle Baker : Mom's right. He is a weiner.

• Tom : *All right. Enough is Enough. You're slacking on your chores. You're fighting in school*. Things are out of control. As of this moment, you are all grounded*

  Mike : What's grounded?

  Tom : What's grounded? I'll tell you what ground it is. Except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your homework, you do your chores, you go to bed and that's it.

  Sarah Baker : But that

  Tom : Oh yes Sarah, I know that sucks, but that's the way it is!

  Jake : Does this mean we can't go to Dylan's birthday party?

  Tom : That's exactly what it means.

  Kim Baker : But we brought his presents already.

  Tom : *You are going to miss it

  [Kids are quiet] 

  Tom : Now, go to bed.

• Lorraine : [walks into kitchen]  I am totally aware that this family doesn't value self-presentation in the same obsessive way that I do. Fine. Whatever. But one of my life goals aside from being, like, a fashion guru is to indicate to the local community that the Baker family actually owns a bar of soap. So, as self-appointed in-house rep of style and hygiene, I think that I should be allotted at least five extra minutes in front of the mirror.

  Tom : Three.

  Lorraine : Done.

  Tom : Good now help your sister butter the toast.

• [With his football players] 

  Tom : Get my kids and meet me at my house. Ready? Break.

• Mike : [shouts]  Heads up!

  [Tom catches the hockey ball right before it hits Tina in the face] 

  Tom : Little less wrist, Mike.

  Tom : [throws the ball back to him and Mike catches it] 

  Mike : Got it.

  Mike : [shouts]  Game on!

• Jessica Baker : Dad, can I kill Jake now?

  Tom : No, finish washing the car first!

• Kate : Put the kids on, let me talk to someone.

  Tom : [huddled in the closet]  Oh, well, they're studying, and it's the tri, trigo, trig stuff we aren't all that good at, and they've formed a study group, it's like a little Think Tank thing.

  [an axe blade breaks through the door of the closet] 

  Tom : I... I'd just hate to break that up.

  Kate : Okay, well, I gotta go honey, bye.

  Tom : bye.

  [hangs up] 

  Nigel Baker : C'mon Dad, don't hide in the closet!

  Kyle Baker : Take it like a man!

• Tom : [while they're hanging from the chandelier]  So, Dylan, know any good restaurants?

• Tom Baker : [while on the phone with Kate, a dart hits the ground in front of his shoes]  What did I say about throwing darts?

• Tom : I promise you. We will be a happier, stronger family.

• Tom : [when Kate leaves]  Little Vampires, my plan worked. She's gone. Now I can raise you children the way I want to! Mwa ha ha, ha ha, ha!

  [kids stare blankly] 

  Tom : C'mon, it's going to be fun. Your dream has come true. Mom's gone. Weak old Dad is here. You can get away with murder. You can do anything you want. Dylan's birthday party is coming up. You can get all hyped up on sugar and cake and go crazy.

  [kids continue to stare blankly then turn and walk away]