Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Ty Burrell: Steve

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Quotes 

• Steve : [playing "Hollywood Squares" with Andy]  Oh, oh. Rosie O'Donnell. Tell him to get Rosie.

  Kenneth : Oh, yeah. Rosie.

  Tucker : No, too easy. Give him something hard.

  Ana : You guys had really rough childhoods, didn't you? Little bit rocky?

  Steve : Hey, sweetheart. Let me tell you something. You, uh, you have my permission. I ever turn into one of those things? Do me a favor, blow my fucking head off.

  Ana : [nods]  Oh, yeah, you can count on that.

• Michael : Truck's not gonna make it to Fort Pastor.

  Steve : No, forget the truck. That place is fucked, man. Bloodbath city.

  Kenneth : How do you know?

  Norma : We just came from there.

  Kenneth : Is everyone there dead?

  Steve : Or dead-ish.

  Kenneth : [more firm tone]  Is everyone there dead?

  Steve : Yeah, in the sense that they all, sort of, fell down, and then... got up and... started eating each other.

• Steve : I have an idea. While we're at it, why don't we drop by the marina, hop in my boat and take it for a pleasure cruise, you jackasses!

  Ana : Wait, that's a good idea. There's islands out there. There's not many people on them.

  Steve : I was kidding.

• CJ : Excuse me, not to shit on anyone's riff here, but let me see if I grasp this concept, okay? You're suggesting that we take some fucking parking shuttles and reinforce them with some aluminum siding, and then just head on over to the gun store where we watch our good friend Andy play some cowboy-movie, jump-on-the-covered-wagon bullshit? Then we're going to drive across the ruined city through a welcome committee of a few hundred thousand dead cannibals. All so we can sail off into the sunset on this fucking asshole's boat?

  [Points to Steve] 

  CJ : Head for some island that for all we know doesn't even exist?

  Kenneth : Yeah.

  Tucker : Pretty much, yeah.

  Ana : [nods her head] 

  Michael : Yeah.

  Steve : [gives a sarcastically enthusiastic "thumb up"] 

  CJ : Okay. I'm in.

• Michael : There's no point in arguing about this. We need a solution. We need to get some food over there.

  Steve : Okay. I have an idea. We draw straws and the loser runs across the lot with a ham sandwich.

  Ana : Could you be a bigger prick?

  Steve : I think so. But, you know, that's irrelevant. My question to you is, what's your plan?

• Michael : [to Norma on her rescue]  Well done.

  Norma : Thanks.

  Steve : Hey, I'm sorry, excuse me... when you two fellas are done blowing each other, maybe Davy Crockett could tell us the deal here?

• Michael : [Everyone is sitting down to dinner]  Before that I worked in a stationary store. And I drove a snowplow. Fixed copiers.

  Steve : God, it's such a shame that this whole "end of the world" thing's holding you back.

• Michael : Help should be along soon.

  Steve : Did you hear that from the same jackass who told us to go to St. Verbena?

  Michael : The church downtown?

  Steve : Yeah, some dipshit on the radio said it was safe there... He was wrong!

• Steve : Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. Why does he stay here while I go on the suicide mission to rescue Terry's already-dead girlfriend?

  Terry : Fuck you, man!

  Michael : We don't know that.

  CJ : You know what, asshole? Either way we gotta get over there and get the guns to get out of this parking lot, all right?

• Steve : It's nice to see that you've all bonded through this disaster.

• Steve : I run a tight ship.

• Steve : [Waiting by the trucks, sees everybody running to them]  Hey, what the hell happened to you guys?

  Michael : Give me the keys!

  Ana : [Running past]  Prick!

  CJ : [Pushes Steve]  I'll deal with you later, motherfucker!

• Michael : Steve, don't fuck this up!

  Steve : Yeah, totally.

• [Ana is talking to Tucker at Hallowed Grounds and then looks over at Steve, who is pouring himself a cup of coffee] 

  Ana : Well, it's nice to see you busting your ass today.

  Steve : Oh, that's sarcasm. That is awesome.

  [forced laugh] 

  Steve : Yeah, you know, I would love to help, but a captain never works alongside his men.

  [Dangles his keys in front of Ana and Tucker and then whips them, making a cracking sound as he does so] 

  Steve : You guys, have a good one.

  [He leaves] 

  Ana : What a total dick.