Gary Cole: Cotton McKnight
Quotes
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Cotton McKnight : I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match.
Pepper Brooks : It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.
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Cotton McKnight : In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I'd seen it all, folks. But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.
Pepper Brooks : He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.
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Cotton McKnight : Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one, a ménage à trois of pain.
Pepper Brooks : Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton.
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Cotton McKnight : Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven't even smelled a woman in eight months.
Pepper Brooks : They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
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Cotton McKnight : Let me tell you, a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all remember how THAT turned out!
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Cotton McKnight : Do you believe in unlikelihoods? Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world and upsetting Globo Gym in the championship match!
Pepper Brooks : Unbelievable!
Cotton McKnight : Ladies and gentlemen, I have been to the Great Wall of China, I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt, I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. But never in all my years as a sportscaster have I witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here today!
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Cotton McKnight : It's time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.
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Cotton McKnight : Oh! Right in the testicles!
Pepper Brooks : Ouchtown, population you, bro!
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Cotton McKnight : And the Average Joe's beat the Germans in a *shocking* upset.
Pepper Brooks : I feel *shocked*.
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[after sudden death is announced]
Cotton McKnight : Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to witness the greatest happening in sport: sudden-death dodgeball.
Pepper Brooks : Pepper needs new shorts!
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Cotton McKnight : [after Average Joes dressed in S&M enters the arena; slowly takes off glasses] Oh, my sweet Jesus.
Pepper Brooks : [stares stupidly] That's rad.
Audience Member : [to Peter] Hey, asshole! You guys *suck*!
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Cotton McKnight : Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand, broken dreams and $5 lobster. A city where you can get a happy ending, if you pay a little extra. A city home to a sporting event greater than the World Cup, World Series and World War II combined.
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Cotton McKnight : It looks like the clock is about to strike midnight on this Cinderella story, turning Average Joe's into the proverbial pumpkin.
Pepper Brooks : I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.
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Cotton McKnight : We haven't seen Average Joe's yet. They haven't made it to the court. It could be a psychological ploy, or something worse.
Pepper Brooks : They're definitely not on the court, Cotton. Their absence is noticeable.
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Cotton McKnight : Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's doing a little more dancing than dodgeballing out there.
Pepper Brooks : They better chiggity-check themselves before they wreck themselves, Cotton.
