Stephen Root: Gordon
Photos
Quotes
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Gordon : Hey, Honey!
[his wife gives the "L" sign]
Gordon : "L" for love! Good times.
Dwight : "L" for love? That doesn't mean love, Gordon...
Peter La Fleur : No, it's... people have different translations for different things and that's a special bond that you have with uh... with your mail-order wife. I think that's nice. It's fine.
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Gordon : Guy, not to sound negative, but we've only had one customer, and it's that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.
[the guys turn around to see Justin scrubbing a monster truck]
Weird Guy with Monster Truck : [while picking his belly button] That's it, boy. Get in there nice and deep-like.
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Owen : [after Patches O'Houlihan has been killed] Look on the bright side, at least we've still got Peter!
Dwight : Yeah, but Globo Gym's got guys named Laser, and Blazer, and Tazer, and all kinds of "azer's"! Without Patches, we're going to get our taints handed to us, that's what!
Justin : [Whispers to Gordon] What's a taint?
Gordon : I don't know, but it sounds *bad*!
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Justin : How many teams are in this qualifier?
Gordon : Uh, two.
Justin : So all we have to do is beat this team and we're in the Vegas Open, right?
Gordon : Yeah!
Owen : That seems pretty simple.
Dwight : Who's the other team?
Gordon : Uh, I have it right here, just a second... Troop 417.
Steve the Pirate : Christ! We're playin' Boy Scouts!
Peter La Fleur : Not quite!
[Troop 417 are tough-looking Girl Scouts; one spits on the ground]
Steve the Pirate : BOLLOCKS!
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Justin : This place is too important to us! Gordon, where do you go when your wife changes the locks?
Gordon : Average Joe's.
Justin : Right! Dwight, Owen, what are you going to do if Average Joe's closes? You gonna work at the airport again?
Dwight : Say what? I ain't working at no airport!
Justin : No, 'cause you hated it! Steve! Where is it you go to do... whatever it is that you do?
Steve the Pirate : Garrr! Joe's be the only place for Steve!
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[before the championship game]
Peter La Fleur : Okay guys, let's play smart. Wait for your two-on-ones, cover closely for your pickups. What's our team motto?
Owen : Aim low?
Peter La Fleur : That's right. All I'm asking is that you give it your best for Patches. I say we go out there, we let it all hang loose, try to have some fun. I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?
[Everyone laughs]
Peter La Fleur : Put 'em in.
[Hands in]
Peter La Fleur : One, two, three...
Peter La Fleur , Owen , Justin , Kate Veatch , Dwight , Gordon : JOE'S!
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Patches O'Houlihan : You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. Where's your killer instincts, son? You gotta get angry! You gotta get *mean*! That's the only way you can play!
Gordon : Well, I guess I'm not really an angry person.
Patches O'Houlihan : [hits Gordon in the crotch] Are you angry now?
