Without a Paddle (2004)

Matthew Lillard: Jerry Conlaine

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Quotes 

• Jerry Conlaine : I christen this, Duke the second!

  [smashes beer bottle on canoe] 

  River Guide : Thanks for breaking glass where my kids play.

• Jerry Conlaine : Well I was a boyscout. Tom, you were a boyscout, weren't you?

  Tom Marshall : No, but I ate a brownie once.

• Dan Mott : Where are we?

  Jerry Conlaine : Corner of Bumfuck and You Got a Purty Mouth.

• Tom Marshall : Is this Billy's funeral? Is that the corpse of Billy Newwood? Jer, is that you?

  [Jerry waves, embarrassed] 

  Tom Marshall : Are you with Dan? Where'd you guys park?

  Jerry Conlaine : TOM!

• Dan Mott : I'm out.

  Jerry Conlaine : What does that mean?

  Tom Marshall : I think it means he's out. Like coming out, like he's finally admitting he's gay.

• Dan Mott : What are you doing?

  Jerry Conlaine : Taking off my shoes

  Dan Mott : Why?

  Jerry Conlaine : Because I run faster with no shoes

  Dan Mott : You can't out-run that bear!

  Jerry Conlaine : I dont have to out-run the bear, I just have to out-run you!

• Dan Mott : The only chance we have to survive is to huddle together for warmth...

  Jerry Conlaine : I, for one, choose death.

• Jerry Conlaine : Come back to bed, you guys. I'm freezing.

  Tom Marshall : Not until he puts Jabba back in his Hut!

• Tom Marshall : We'll shine them. It's an old Cherokee trick.

  Jerry Conlaine : Oh, I forgot. The Cherokee have been using flashlights for thousands of years.

  Dan Mott : Didn't they pioneer the D-cell battery?

• Jerry Conlaine : Come on, Dan. It's like when we'd jump off the railroad bridge into the river when we were kids. That was... higher than this...

  Dan Mott : But I never *did* jump in the river! You guys always pushed me when I wasn't looking!

  Jerry Conlaine : Oh yea...

  [Jerry pushes Dan off the Treehouse] 

• Jerry Conlaine : [laying in the boat, after rapid riding]  I about shit. Did you about shit?

  Tom Marshall : I about shit.

  Dan Mott : I did shit.

  Jerry Conlaine : Oh shit!

  Dan Mott : What? Oh, shit? Oh, shit! What? Oh, shit?

  Dan Mott : [while falling off the waterfall] 

  [all together shout] 

  Dan Mott : Oh, shit!

• Jerry Conlaine : So this is Spirit River, we take that to Widowmaker Bend and then we hike to Devil's Staircase and that should lead us right to the top of Hellfire...

  Dan Mott : What's with all these satanic names? Isn't there, like, a Fluffy Bunny Way?

  Tom Marshall : No... but there's a Shut-Up-You-Big-Baby Ridge.

• Dan Mott : I wouldn't be so jealous of me if I were you. Every day I develop some new and exciting phobia.

  Jerry Conlaine : You're exaggerating again.

  Dan Mott : I'm afraid of the dark, Jerry.

  Jerry Conlaine : So? There's a lot of people that are afraid of the dark.

  Dan Mott : I'm afraid of small spaces.

  Jerry Conlaine : Again, not that abnormal.

  Dan Mott : Cellophane.

  Tom Marshall : Like Saran Wrap?

  Jerry Conlaine : Yeah, you're alone on that one.

  Dan Mott : I won't even keep it in the house anymore, because I'm afraid that somehow it'll get draped over my head and stick to my mouth and nose and I'll suffocate. How pathetic is that?

  Tom Marshall : Very.

• Jerry Conlaine : But you could've left! Why'd you stay up here all these years?

  Del Knox : Seemed like a good idea at the time. Know what I mean, kid?

  Jerry Conlaine : Yeah, I do.

  Del Knox : Have you ever spent 30 years in a cabin?

  Jerry Conlaine : ...No.

  Del Knox : Well, then you don't know what I mean!

  Jerry Conlaine : I mean, metaphorically, I know what you mean.

  Del Knox : Metaphorically, have you ever spent 30 years in a cabin?

  Jerry Conlaine : Uh - no.

  Del Knox : Well then think before you talk!

• [Denise carries a cardboard box into her house as the answer machine comes on] 

  Jerry Conlaine : [on the answer machine]  Hi, this is Jerry, and I can't come to the phone right now because I am busy trying to convince the love of my life to give me another chance. And I will prove to her that I grew up just enough to know that I want the responsibility day in and day out of being there for her in this relationship which I am hoping will someday become marriage, kids and an *unbelievably* happy life together.

  [Denise starts to smile as she hears the message] 

  Jerry Conlaine : [hangs up]  Hi honey.

  [Jerry gets down on one knee and proposes to Denise, who accepts his proposal. Jerry stands up and embraces her] 

• Denise : Can you please be serious for 5 minutes?

  Jerry Conlaine : My record is 4 but I think I can do it.

• Tom Marshall : So you're saying you lost the map? You don't have it?

  Jerry Conlaine : No, I'm saying I forgot to hold on to it while my ass was free-falling over a 100 foot waterfall

  Tom Marshall : So you don't have it?

• Jerry Conlaine : Wait a second. Tom, were you really employee of the month?

  Tom Marshall : No! I lied about that too!

• Tom Marshall : [urging dan to climb through a hole]  Come on Dan, your the only one small enough to get through.

  Jerry Conlaine : That's what she said.

• Dan Mott : It crawled straight in my stomach!

  Jerry Conlaine : Come on, let's go

  Dan Mott : I think it laid its eggs in my stomach!

• Jerry Conlaine : You're a lot smarter than him. Right Dan?

  Dan Mott : Well, I wouldn't say a lot smarter.

• Jerry Conlaine : Let's take Billy's trip.

  Tom Marshall : I say hell yes!

• Denise : I won't do it! I won't play the role of nagging girlfriend anymore.

  Jerry Conlaine : Would nagging wife make you happier?

  Denise : ...Please tell me that was not you proposing to me.

• Jerry Conlaine : [canoing through rapids]  Tom, it's getting big!

  Tom Marshall : No problem.

  Jerry Conlaine : Like, really big!

  Tom Marshall : I'm in over my head!

  Jerry Conlaine : What?

  Tom Marshall : I'm in over my head!

  Jerry Conlaine : Don't tell me that!

• Flower : My name is Flower.

  Butterfly : You may call me Butterfly.

  Flower : And if you're from the logging company you'll have to speak to our lawyers!

  Tom Marshall : [whispers to Jerry]  If you look to your left you can totally see their downstairs.

  Jerry Conlaine : [calling]  Uh, we're not, we're not from the logging company.

  Flower , Butterfly : [smiling and putting two fingers up]  Peace!

  Jerry Conlaine , Tom Marshall , Dan Mott : H-hey! Peace!

• Jerry Conlaine : How do you guys get supplies?

  Flower : [happily]  When we need supplies, we radio the Earthchild Support Network!

  Jerry Conlaine : [encouraged]  Radio? You guys have a *radio*?

  Butterfly : Yeah we haven't used it since that last big thunderstorm. Remember that Flower?

  Flower : [inspired]  Oh my god. That thunderstorm was *so* spiritual.

  [Flower gets up and dances as the guys look on, mesmerised] 

  Flower : [dreamily]  Earthchild's limps were waving and heaving back and forth. It was like she was dancing to the rhythm of the thunder. It was just like... BAM! BAM! BAM! Full on, tantric orgasm.

  Tom Marshall : So where is this radio?

  Dan Mott : Tree had a orgasm?

  [Butterfly gets up and excitedly holds Flower's hands] 

  Flower : [excited]  We danced naked in the storm all night!

  Butterfly : [dreamily]  And then held each other soaking wet until the morning!

  [Dan watches totally mesmerised] 

  Butterfly : [she and Flower look towards the guys]  The rain is like a drug. It just makes you wanna...

  Dan Mott : What? Makes you wanna what?

  [Butterfly and Flower look at each other, giggle and run over to the guys and sit by them] 

• Jerry Conlaine : I'm what neurologists call slow!

• Jerry Conlaine : When we get out of this someone's buying a round of drinks, not it.

  Tom Marshall : Not it.

  Dan Mott : Is there beer in heaven?

  Jerry Conlaine : I was thinking more the bar in town.

• Jerry Conlaine : Wow, this song is so uncool.

• Jerry Conlaine : No worries, no responsibilities, just living in the moment.

• Tom Marshall : We'll shine them.

  Jerry Conlaine : That would kill the fish.

• Dan Mott : What does the map say, Jerry?

  Jerry Conlaine : Oh, you know, it's a map.

• Jerry Conlaine : TREEEEEES!

• Dan Mott : Jerry, didn't you see that the river split on the map?

  Jerry Conlaine : I would have if your friend the big-ass bear hadn't eaten it!

• Young Billy : Hey, is it cool to be a grown up?

  Jerry Conlaine : Not really my man

• Jerry Conlaine : That bear loves you Dan-o!

• Jerry Conlaine : You guys, check out this map. It looks like Billy left us a treasure map.