Fun with Dick and Jane (2005)
Jim Carrey: Dick Harper
Photos
Quotes
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[last lines]
Garth : Hey, how do you like the new wheels?
Dick Harper : Nice.
Garth : Hooked up with a new company. Great benefits.
Dick Harper : Yeah?
Garth : Yeah. They trade energy. It's called Enron!
Dick Harper : Huh.
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Dick Harper : Are these non-fat muffins? ARE THESE NON-FAT MUFFINS?
Coffee Shop Guy : [stutters] I-I-I think so...
Dick Harper : Oh, Gee, Hon, you gotta get some of those!
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[With her accent, Richard sounds like retard]
Blanca : What's a matter? You look sad, Richard.
Dick Harper : Blanca, call me Dick.
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Dick Harper : I'm pretty sure she's gonna notice her car isn't towed.
Frank Bascom : Right, I'll stall her.
[Frank backs his car straight into female banker's car]
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Dick Harper : [after watching the news saying he is going to be indicted] Indicted?
Jane Harper : That's not fair! They made you go on that show.
Dick Harper : Did you hear what they said, Jane? I'm gonna be indicted.
Jane Harper : Yeah, but you only said what they told you...
Dick Harper : Indicted, Jane! Indicted! I'm gonna be indicted!
Jane Harper : No, it's gonna be okay.
Dick Harper : INDICTED!
Jane Harper : Honey, Dick...
Dick Harper : INDICTED!
Jane Harper : Honey...
Dick Harper : [runs out of the room] I'M GONNA BE INDICTED!
Jane Harper : Hold it, they can't. It's gonna be okay, just calm down.
Dick Harper : [runs back into the room] I can't calm down, I'm gonna be indicted!
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Dick Harper : [holding McCallister at gunpoint] I've been terminated, bankrupted, deported and blackmailed because of you, and I'm not leaving here without your money.
Jack McCallister : What are you gonna do, Dick? Shoot me if I don't approve that form?
Dick Harper : Write me a check.
Jack McCallister : You are kidding me.
Jane Harper : Dick, it's not going to do us any good. He's just going to cancel it the minute we walk out of here.
Dick Harper : [eyes watering, getting emotional] I don't care... I don't care. I'm not walking out of this bank empty-handed.
Jack McCallister : ...Alright. Alright, Dick, I'm gonna write you a check. I'm gonna need my hand back though.
Dick Harper : Gladly.
[releases grip]
Jack McCallister : Alright, yes sir, I'm gonna write you that check, and what's more I'm not gonna cancel it as soon as I leave the bank because I think it takes alotta cojones to do what you two have done here today, and I admire that. So, here you go. Just a little something to show you what I think you're worth.
[hands him a check for $100]
Jack McCallister : Y'all take care now.
[McCallister leaves; Jane approaches a dejected Dick tenderly]
Jane Harper : Honey... sweetie... give me the squirt gun.
Dick Harper : [not looking at her] Do you still have McCallister's form?
Jane Harper : Yeah, why?
[Dick looks up at her holding McCallister's check]
Dick Harper : Because I just got his signature.
[He holds up a fountain pen]
Dick Harper : Weren't you an art major?
[Jane realizes that, just like McCallister, she's been had by Dick]
Jane Harper : [quietly excited] Dick Harper! I was completely fooled! I didn't know you could act!
Dick Harper : Hon. In 10th grade, I played Biff in "Death of a Salesman". See how I got my eyes all watering up? Yes, sir. It's all right there.
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Frank Bascom : Do you have any idea what I had to go through to get that form?
Dick Harper : No, let me guess, a fifth of SCOTCH?
[Frank exhales into Dick's face]
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Dick Harper : [singing in elevator to self] I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.
Dick Harper : Every night and every cloudy day
[drums elevator panel]
Dick Harper : spread my wings and fly away. I believe I can soar. Catch me goin' through that open do-o-o-r. I believe I can fly-i-i-i.
Dick Harper : [low voice, man walks by elevator and looks incredulously] I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! Ooow!
[elevator dings, Dick steps out as though nothing happened]
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Dick Harper : [sees Jane's swollen face] Aah! Holy hell!
Jane Harper : I did this little cosmetics test, and I had a little reaction... is it really that bad?
Dick Harper : No, it's not so bad. It's just... different.
Day Laborer : Hey Dick, can we talk about these some other time?
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Dick Harper : [after being heckled by a bunch of execs at an office he came for an interview] Can we just get on the job interview?
Bill : Oh, we can't hire you. We just want to take your picture.
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Dick Harper : [in McCallister's ear] See, Jack? They love you. Now go to hell.
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Dick Harper : [composing letter] "It has come to our attention that certain departments have begunn to run into situations." Situations.
Dick's Secretary : The big boys want to see you upstairs.
Dick Harper : Which floor? Twentieth?
Dick's Secretary : [smiles, shakes head]
Dick Harper : Twenty-sixth?
Dick's Secretary : [shakes head]
Dick Harper : Thirty-second?
Dick's Secretary : [smiles, motions upwards]
Dick Harper : Not the 51st?
Dick's Secretary : Yes. Congratulations, Mr. Harper.
Dick Harper : [giggles] Uh, go ahead and wrap this up.
Dick's Secretary : Ok.
Dick Harper : How do I look?
Dick's Secretary : Great.
Dick Harper : Anything in my teeth?
Dick's Secretary : No.
Dick Harper : [through clenched teeth] I need a paper bag.
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Ameribanx Bank Manager : Let me get back to you. Excuse me.
Dick Harper : Yes?
Ameribanx Bank Manager : May I help you?
Dick Harper : Vault Inspector
Ameribanx Bank Manager : What happened to Phil?
Dick Harper : Necrotizing Fasciitis Caused by an invasive streptococcus
Ameribanx Bank Manager : What?
Dick Harper : Flesh-eating disorder. Its all over the money. Might wanna wash your hands.
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[first lines]
Dick Harper : Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. Consolidator. Consolidator.
[traffic light turns]
Dick Harper : Oh, no!
Title card : Run, Dick, Run
Dick Harper : Globodyne's a consolidator of media properties and data retrieval with a focus in fiber-optic content provision. It's basically a synergy of Web-based and platform-based UNIX-driven delivery systems. OK, I made that last part up.
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Dick Harper : I got the lawn back.
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Dick Harper : We're all just cavemen, Trying to protect our little patch of land. Well now I've got a club, and I'm gonna take what I need.
Jane Harper : Maybe you should steal some Prozac
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Dick Harper : [after being punched in the mouth, sound like he is trying to have in American accent] No, I swear, I am an American citizen.
INS Agent : Save it.
[dragging Dick to deportation bus]
Dick Harper : No, call my wife... It's ringing
Billy Harper : [answers the phone] Hola?
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Dick Harper : Billy tell your father he's a winner.
Billy Harper : Papa es ganador.
Dick Harper : see?
Billy Harper : SI!
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[At a bar, Dick gets up on a table and starts acting crazy because he's being indicted for his share of the bummed, worthless Globodyne stock]
Dick Harper : [blathers; marionette voice] Hello! I'm a corporate puppet...
[blathers again]
Dick Harper : ...and I'm going to need some more string, so that I can go on believing I'll be a real boy someday without bein' manipulative...
Dick Harper : [regular voice] by the bullshit!
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Dick Harper : [points to the hairpiece of a man] This squirrel died of natural causes!
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[brainstorming ways to come up with money]
Dick Harper : Well... there's always prostitution.
Jane Harper : Dick!
Dick Harper : I mean me.
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Dick Harper : We followed the rules, and we got screwed.
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Dick Harper : INDICTED!
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Head Shop Clerk : Hey man, what can I do you for?
Dick Harper : [points his gun at the clerk] You can do me for all the money in the till. This is a stickup!
Head Shop Clerk : Whoa, what's wrong with you, dude?
Dick Harper : I'm married, that's what's wrong with me!
