Reno 911! (2003– )

Robert Ben Garant: Deputy Travis Junior, Streaker, Mime, Birdhouse Pervert, Personal Trainer, Pumpkin Pervert, Reading Radish

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Deputy Travis Junior : Who can guess what Circle the Wagons means? That is when you put three bunks, like the circling up of the wagons in a wagon train, an old cowboy movie, and they have the sheets hanging down so you can't see what's going on inside the four bunks and inside the four bunks about two dozen boys just fucked the shit out of this little mormon kid. Now they don't want to break your jaw because they still want your jaw to be able to work, so what it does it takes out your teeth and then they just skull-fucked the shit out of this boy. Uh... we came in and there wasn't really anything left. They ass-fucked him, skull-fucked him, they fucked his back, they've been up his shoulders and titty-fucked him with his shoulder blades. Fucked up shit, man. We came in here and all the convicts you know, all of them where like, "Uh... " you know, "He was fucked to death before we got here." So we couldn't really point the finger at nobody, because it was either all or nothing, and you ain't going to book two dozen people. Uh... so then, you know, that's when we starting bolting the bunks to the wall like that.

• Deputy Travis Junior : I actually wanted to be in the FBI for about 20 minutes after I saw that movie with Jodie Foster and that guy who eats people in his basement, but I was really stoned at the time. And to be honest with you, for about 20 minutes, I also thought about making a dress out of people.

• [the cops are in a doctor's office in their underwear] 

  Doctor : Uh, none of the tests required you to disrobe. I'm not sure why you're all sitting here in your underwear.

  Deputy S. Jones : Dangle was in his underwear when we all got here.

  Deputy Travis Junior : Yeah, what's the deal, Dangle?

  Lt. Jim Dangle : I don't feel the need to explain myself.

• Deputy Travis Junior : I think that Craig is a good match for Wiegel. Because, you know he's a killer, and Trudy wants to kill herself.

  Deputy Travis Junior : But she can't ever really do it. She don't succeed.

  Deputy James Garcia : So Craig could be there to give her the extra little push she needs. He'd be the one going "Go ahead and do it." Kind of like a Death Leprechaun...

  Deputy Travis Junior : Dude, that would be a wicked cool name for a band.

• Lt. Jim Dangle : [directing traffic school]  This is where we would normally be showing you an educational movie, "Blood On The Highway".

  Deputy Travis Junior : But instead, we've got a treat in store for you.

  Lt. Jim Dangle : [holding up a video tape]  Instead, we're going to watch Smokey And The Bandit!

  Deputy Travis Junior : And there will be a test!

• Deputy Travis Junior : Getting two tickets to an execution is like getting two tickets to NASCAR, except you *know* Jeff Gordon's gonna die.

• Deputy S. Jones : Who's you guys best friend in the whole world?

  Deputy James Garcia : Santa Claus?

  Deputy Travis Junior : That's what I was gonna say, Santa Claus.

• Deputy Travis Junior : If you were on the moon, and you could fuck Wiegel and then leave her on the moon, you wouldn't fuck Wiegel?

  Deputy James Garcia : Hell no... hell no!

  Deputy Travis Junior : What the hell kinda woman do you want then? She's got all the right parts, just the-the... the wiring's screwy, ya know. It's like the flippers work and the bumpers work, it's just the wiring's screwy and the score's all wrong.

• Deputy Travis Junior : If Reverend LeCarp was busted ten years ago, you musta been working here.

  Deputy James Garcia : That's correct. I was on patrol with Lieutenant Dangle at the time. He was high on PCP. He made a move for both of us, and he bought himself some stick time.

  Deputy Travis Junior : What do you mean?

  Deputy James Garcia : Regular police procedure had failed, so I found it necessary to get out my stick and send him a message from my lord.

  Deputy Travis Junior : And where did you deliver this message to on his person?

  Deputy James Garcia : That would be in the head area.

• Deputy Travis Junior : [the gang has changed a Ten Commandments statue to a list of "Top 10 Reasons Why It's Cool To Be A Cop"]  The court's okay with this?

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Court's okay with it, State Department's okay.

  [Looks upward] 

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Not even God can mess with us now! You hear that?

  Lt. Jim Dangle : [cut to the next week's morning meeting]  We're being sued by Worldwide Pants, David Letterman's company.

  Deputy Travis Junior : Too many lawyers, man.

  Lt. Jim Dangle : This is a prime example of...

  Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Too many lawyers and not enough chefs.

• Deputy Travis Junior : [to a prisoner]  Don't you fucking eyeball me! Cot! Now, motherfucker!

  [to a group of kids behind him] 

  Deputy Travis Junior : Hey kids. Alright, well let's go on with the tour.

• Deputy Travis Junior : To me it doesn't make sense if you gotta pray facin' a certain way... if God's everywhere shouldn't you be able to face any which way when you pray? Like is his receiver somewhere in the Middle East and he's listening to the receiver or somethin'?

  Deputy James Garcia : Yeah, it's like, I have a plan with God but it's like a bad cell plan, doesn't work in certain areas.

  Deputy Travis Junior : Five calls a day.

  Deputy James Garcia : See I got anytime minutes with my God.

• Deputy Travis Junior : Do you watch Rev. Lecarp's show?

  Deputy James Garcia : I'd rather watch cats eat their own shit.

• Reverend Gigg LeCarp : [the gang are all in a cell, and Rev LeCarp is yelling at Garcia for beating him 10 years ago]  You motherfucker! You cocksucker! You kicked the shit out of me!

  [Points to his false teeth] 

  Reverend Gigg LeCarp : Look at these teeth! Look at it! Aw, fuck you! Fucking rot in hell, cocksucker!

  [He goes out of the cell and locks it] 

  Reverend Gigg LeCarp : What are you gonna do now, Garica, huh?

  [Leaves] 

  Reverend Gigg LeCarp : Payback's a bitch! You kicked the shit out of me!

  Lt. Jim Dangle : [Trying to open the door]  The door's locked.

  Deputy Trudy Wiegel : We're probably in a, in a commercial break.

  Deputy Travis Junior : He's flipping us the bird outside right now.

  [LeCarp does flip everyone off as he runs away] 

  Lt. Jim Dangle : When's the new jailer getting here?

  Deputy Travis Junior : Tuesday. Three day weekend.

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Aw... we had to do this on a Friday.

  Deputy Trudy Wiegel : I got even worse news for everyone, I have to take a Number Two.

  [Everyone yells in protest] 

  Deputy Williams : You gonna hold it in like the rest of us!

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Number One's only! Number One's only!

• Deputy Travis Junior : [reading a bumper sticker]  UNITED WE STAND. That ain't foolin' anyone.

  Lt. Jim Dangle : I think some of these people are trying too hard. I think that when the truck of anthrax comes, it's going to have UNITED WE STAND and a Bush-Cheney on the back.

  Deputy Travis Junior : And a Toby Keith damned tape playing...

  Lt. Jim Dangle : t'll be the Trojan Horse, but instead of a horse it'll be...

  Deputy Travis Junior : A Bronco.

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Right or an F150.

• [explaining why she likes Kenny Rogers] 

  Deputy Trudy Wiegel : He's like the white Lionel Ritchie.

  Deputy Travis Junior : Uh, I would say that *Lionel Ritchie* is like the white Lionel Ritchie

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Yeah, I didn't know that there was a black Lionel Ritchie.

• Deputy Trudy Wiegel : What are you guys doing here?

  Fireman : Just stopping by after giving some blood

  Deputy Travis Junior : Well, when we're not fighting crime, we're fighting... frowns.

  Fireman : That right?

  Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Yeah, we'll shoot those frowns off your face! Boom! Right in the face!

• [after a 72-hour suicide watch for Wiegel, Wiegel tells the troops she didn't actually try and kill herself, then Junior comes back with a beer] 

  Deputy Travis Junior : Allrighty. A tall cold one for the tall hot one.

  [notices the silence] 

  Deputy Travis Junior : What'd I miss?

  Deputy Trudy Wiegel : You're mad, aren't you? Well... maybe I will fucking try and kill myself now! You're all disappointed... that I didn't try and kill myself! Well, I'll make you happy this time! I'm gonna go jump in the fucking ocean!

  [Wiegel gives everyone the finger] 

  Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Fuck you, cocksuckers! Fuck you!

  [sad] 

  Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Fuck you, all right? Fuck you. I'm jumping in the ocean!

  Deputy Travis Junior : What did I miss?

  Deputy Clementine Johnson : She can't find her way to the ocean.

  Lt. Jim Dangle : She can't find her way to her car.

• Deputy Travis Junior : If a terrorist wanted to commit a crime in Reno, well, he's never been to Reno.

• Deputy Travis Junior : Who's Garcia's partner today?

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Not it.

  Deputy Travis Junior : Not it.

  Deputy Clementine Johnson : Not it.

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Trudy.

  Deputy Trudy Wiegel : What'd I win?

  Lt. Jim Dangle : You're with Garcia today.

• Deputy Travis Junior : I don't think there was a real reason for Jones to hit Garcia, cause Garcia's a man who's already down. Garcia ain't got friends, he lives in a little shitty apartment, he don't have no family that I know of. He ain't got no taste. He's racist, he's a sexist, he's a lying bigot horse's ass. I think, you know, hitting him is just throwing shit in front of a shit pile that's already got too much shit in it.

• Captain Dwayne Hernandez : There is nothing to fear... except terrorism, and biological and chemical attacks! Have a nice day.

  Deputy Travis Junior : Oh man, we are screwed.

• Deputy S. Jones : [points to himself and Deputy Williams]  Why are we on this side of the table and everyone us else over there?

  Lt. Jim Dangle : CPT

  Deputy Travis Junior : CPT

  Deputy S. Jones : What?

  Deputy Williams : What? Excuse me? What's CPT?

  Deputy Travis Junior : CPT - Colored People Time. We're the first one's here and take these seats.

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Colored People Time, everyone knows what that means.

  Deputy Williams : What?

  Lt. Jim Dangle : I'm sorry, that was wrong of me to say. I thought you've heard of that before. It's easy to say and it just, it just came out - CPT.

  Deputy S. Jones : Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being colored and for being a person and for being on my time.

  Deputy Travis Junior : Apology accepted, Jones.

• Deputy Travis Junior : I watch Reverend LeCarp's show every week. I love that boy. Next to that weird kind of Indian-looking fella with the Nehru jacket who dances the devil out of people on that show, I think he's the best televangelist there is.

• Mike Powers : I want you to take a look at this photograph here and tell me what you know about it. Bailiff, if you could take this up to Officer Junior. Officer, could you remove your glasses please? Officer, can you... Can you see that? Can you tell me what's on that picture?

  Deputy Travis Junior : That's one of the boys in the department, sir.

  Mike Powers : Uh, no. That's actually a picture of a van. Officer Junior, can you look up here? Can you look up here for a second?

  Deputy Travis Junior : Yes, sir.

  Mike Powers : Can you see me? How many fingers am I holding up?

  [holds up three fingers on one hand] 

  Deputy Travis Junior : Five.

  Mike Powers : Five fingers?

  Deputy Travis Junior : Both hands or one hand, sir?

  Mike Powers : No, just one ha... that's just one hand. Are those prescription glasses?

  Deputy Travis Junior : No, sir, don't need 'em.

  Mike Powers : Do you operate a cruiser?

  Deputy Travis Junior : I know these streets like the back of my hand, sir.

  Mike Powers : The back of your hand.

  Deputy Travis Junior : Yes, sir.

  Mike Powers : I guess you'd have to! Do you operate a firearm?

  Deputy Travis Junior : I'm the best shot in the department, sir.

• Lt. Jim Dangle : Have you been giving tug jobs in the bathroom?

  Terry : No! Why would I do that?

  [Putting hand to chest] 

  Terry : I would never do something like that. First of all, I have a girlfriend, who I love very much...

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Her name is?

  Terry : [pauses]  Michelle.

  Deputy Travis Junior : Michelle? What she look like?

  Terry : She's, uh, super tall.

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Uh huh.

  Terry : And shes got...

  Lt. Jim Dangle : How tall?

  Terry : Sweet boobs.

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Uh huh, I always knew you were a sweet booby man Terry.

  Terry : I put my wiener on them.

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Yep?

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Yep.

  Terry : Ya did?

  Terry : Yeah its true.

• [Dangle has been tricked to dress as a chimney sweep for a police lineup] 

  Deputy Travis Junior : Number 5, could you come up and sing "Supercalifragilisticexplaladocous"?

  [Everyone laughs] 

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck all of you!

• Deputy James Garcia : The entire station is about to fall apart. It's like we're playing a game of twister and someone is about to spin that left foot yellow and everything is going to collapse.

  Deputy Travis Junior : It's like some terrible game of twister where it's all boys and they kill you when you lose.