Reno 911! (TV Series 2003– ) - Kerri Kenney as Deputy Trudy Wiegel, Jackie the Hooker, Jackie, Hippie Van Driver, Jackie the Pickle Throwing Hooker

[talking to a junior high class]

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Now, I don't care if you wear mini-skirts. I don't care if you wear Dungarees. I don't care if you're good at basketball, I don't care if you're fun to be around. But you can rest assured that every one of you, at some point, is going to be raped.

[Officer Garcia has been shot]

Deputy James Garcia : Oh, God, call for help.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Help. Help.

Deputy James Garcia : Use your goddamn radio.

[Wiegel's boyfriend may be a serial killer]

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : It really upsets me to hear what the other deputies say about Craig, but he cares for me. He told me that... he would cut my head off and eat it, if I ever needed him to. That's love, I'm sorry. He didn't need to say the L-word.

Terry : I heard a rumor.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : What's that, Ter?

Terry : Mexican werewolves are coming up from Mexico and selling crack.

[pointing to members of the force]

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : "F" you, "F" you,

[Points to Lt. Dangle]

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : And fuck you.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Clemmy's unborn child is hopefully going to be a bastard, because... I'll tell ya, I've seen some of the men that she's spent time with and A: half of them are not... you know, white. And B: the other half are, uh, no more than above a fifth grade education.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : As far as joining the FBI is concerned, let me put it this way. I failed a test to get in a book club.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Officer Smiley reminds me of someone from Mary Poppins... someone who for instance comes riding in on a jalopy and he has whipped ices for all the little children and he says "come along everyone I have whipped ices"

[Dangle nods in agreement next to her]

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : And then when they get close enough to him he grabs them and rapes the shit out of them.

[Dangle stops smiling and sits still in shock]

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Then he tosses them in the back seat and off he goes and then

[In a British accent]

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : 'chip chip cheerio.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Now that I have been fired off the Reno Sheriff's Department, I'm kind of excited. I'm gonna finish my album. I'm probably gonna attend some symposiums. I've always wanted to have some extra spare time to go shopping for antiquities and so forth. So I'm actually really looking forward to it. And if I do end up getting sent to jail, then, um... I'll probably just, y'know, kill myself or something. But, you know, so far, so good.

[smiles]

Deputy James Garcia : There are various telemarketing jobs that I know that I have done before that I can fall back on. And I'm looking into getting... maybe coaching little league

Lt. Jim Dangle : ...Probably go back to maitre d'ing, maybe?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : What if I said, "Which nigger took the last donut?"

Lt. Jim Dangle : That is wildly inappropriate.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : [discussing Dangle's promotion] There are women who prance around in these flitty, flirty little skirts and show their legs, and they get promoted day two. Poor Jim has been here a long time in those plum smugglers and he's about due.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : [talking about her own empty grave plot] This here, actually, is my plot... obviously, there's nobody in it yet, but God willing, there will be.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : My mom started collecting Beanie Babies about four years after she died.

Deputy Travis Junior : [the gang has changed a Ten Commandments statue to a list of "Top 10 Reasons Why It's Cool To Be A Cop"] The court's okay with this?

Lt. Jim Dangle : Court's okay with it, State Department's okay.

[Looks upward]

Lt. Jim Dangle : Not even God can mess with us now! You hear that?

Lt. Jim Dangle : [cut to the next week's morning meeting] We're being sued by Worldwide Pants, David Letterman's company.

Deputy Travis Junior : Too many lawyers, man.

Lt. Jim Dangle : This is a prime example of...

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Too many lawyers and not enough chefs.

Deputy Williams : [in the locker room] The women on the force, have to get alone. I mean, we're the minorities. We got to stick together, sisterhood, girl power, all that jazz.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : [to the camera] Rainesha Williams... is a loudmouth, backstabbing... Jew. I wanna say Jew, but I think she's in fact very openly Catholic, which I have a problem with, too.

Deputy Clementine Johnson : [in the locker room] I had a saying before I came to work here that feminism is bullshit. But I feel a sisterhood with these special, special people.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : [to the camera] Officer Johnson... is a whore.

Deputy Clementine Johnson : [to a half naked man on top of a building] You got a whole half life left, and there are a lot of people who don't know you... I don't know what to say anymore!

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : [from the car] Excuse me, I accidentally locked myself in the car!

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : I myself have had many "daydreams" about punching Garcia myself. I've actually had daydreams of stabbing Garcia... in the daytime. In front of people.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : I don't go to your job and tell you, "You're goin' to hell."

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : What are you doin out here today, Terry?

Terry : What?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : What are you doin out here today?

Terry : Just out... watching over stuff.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Mmk. Looks like maybe you're doin a little uhh prostitution out here today, Terry, is that possible?

Terry : No, no I'm not. I'm sooo not.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Terry, are you on anything today?

Terry : I'm not. I quit. I don't even... I don't even drink.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : You seem a little jittery right now, Terry. Are you trying to tell me you're not on any substances?

Terry : I had skittles.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : You're jittery from skittles?

Terry : Yes.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : [looking at Terry's eyes] Interesting. You're eyes are real dialated and they seem sort of joggin around a little bit.

Terry : Well have you ever had skittles? It's all sugar.

Reverend Gigg LeCarp : Okay, Officer Garcia. God has asked me to speak to you because you are lost. You are lost.

Deputy Williams : He is evil.

Reverend Gigg LeCarp : We're hearing it even from the choir! You are lost and evil.

Deputy Clementine Johnson : And he's a loser!

Reverend Gigg LeCarp : You are lost, evil, and a loser. Come on, everyone, what are thing that we just don't like about Officer Garcia?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : He's a Mexican!

Reverend Gigg LeCarp : [the gang are all in a cell, and Rev LeCarp is yelling at Garcia for beating him 10 years ago] You motherfucker! You cocksucker! You kicked the shit out of me!

[Points to his false teeth]

Reverend Gigg LeCarp : Look at these teeth! Look at it! Aw, fuck you! Fucking rot in hell, cocksucker!

[He goes out of the cell and locks it]

Reverend Gigg LeCarp : What are you gonna do now, Garica, huh?

[Leaves]

Reverend Gigg LeCarp : Payback's a bitch! You kicked the shit out of me!

Lt. Jim Dangle : [Trying to open the door] The door's locked.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : We're probably in a, in a commercial break.

Deputy Travis Junior : He's flipping us the bird outside right now.

[LeCarp does flip everyone off as he runs away]

Lt. Jim Dangle : When's the new jailer getting here?

Deputy Travis Junior : Tuesday. Three day weekend.

Lt. Jim Dangle : Aw... we had to do this on a Friday.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : I got even worse news for everyone, I have to take a Number Two.

[Everyone yells in protest]

Deputy Williams : You gonna hold it in like the rest of us!

Lt. Jim Dangle : Number One's only! Number One's only!

[after a suspect in a line-up sings "Amazing Grace" poorly]

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Uh, sir? A little less attitude and a little more reverance for the baby Jesus.

[explaining why she likes Kenny Rogers]

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : He's like the white Lionel Ritchie.

Deputy Travis Junior : Uh, I would say that *Lionel Ritchie* is like the white Lionel Ritchie

Lt. Jim Dangle : Yeah, I didn't know that there was a black Lionel Ritchie.

[someone has defecated in a children's book donation box and the deputies are cleaning the books]

Lt. Jim Dangle : This is "The Giving Tree". A wonderful book about a little boy who's friends with a tree.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : This book made me cry when I first read it. And it makes me want to cry that somebody pooped on it.

Lt. Jim Dangle : The ironic thing is that the last thing that the tree gives the boy is a nice place to sit.

Lt. Jim Dangle : I think you should take the fifth with the D.A. Do you know what the fifth is?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : You mean tell them that I did it?

Lt. Jim Dangle : No that's not the fifth. The fifth is your right to not say anything at all. Can you do that for me?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Why do you - why?

Lt. Jim Dangle : Because you, you - you know the little bird in your mouth who says terrible things sometimes?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Well I have told him specifically, "You stay home with the monkey in my brain" who I asked to please never come back again; and I, this time I really yelled. I yelled so much that my neighbor came to the door and said, "Is everything ok?" and I said, "Everything is fine. I've asked the monkey in my brain to please quiet down and take the bird in my mouth with it." So this time, Jim, I'm not worried about it. Plus, I called my doctor and he said I could up my meds just for the day.

Lt. Jim Dangle : I think that's a wonderful idea.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : It's gonna dry me up like there's no tomorrow, but it's worth it for this.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : I have real dark skin. My mom was real light-skinned; she was an Irish girl. I have real dark skin because I was apparently - so they say - my mother was raped by an American Indian.

Mike Powers : Is it true that you are on three different kinds of anti-psychotic medication?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Yes it is.

Mike Powers : That's working out for you? You're able to function on the job properly?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : No, not so well.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : What are you guys doing here?

Fireman : Just stopping by after giving some blood

Deputy Travis Junior : Well, when we're not fighting crime, we're fighting... frowns.

Fireman : That right?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Yeah, we'll shoot those frowns off your face! Boom! Right in the face!

Deputy James Garcia : Are you a lesbian?

Deputy Cheresa Kimball : No!

Deputy James Garcia : If you're not a lesbian, prove it. Kiss Junior.

Deputy Cheresa Kimball : No, I'm not kissing Junior!

All : [shout] Kiss Junior! Kiss Junior!

Deputy Cheresa Kimball : No!

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Suck his dick! Suck his dick!

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : You know what, f you. F you, and fuck you!

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : If I'm addicted to anything, it's sparklers.

[after a 72-hour suicide watch for Wiegel, Wiegel tells the troops she didn't actually try and kill herself, then Junior comes back with a beer]

Deputy Travis Junior : Allrighty. A tall cold one for the tall hot one.

[notices the silence]

Deputy Travis Junior : What'd I miss?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : You're mad, aren't you? Well... maybe I will fucking try and kill myself now! You're all disappointed... that I didn't try and kill myself! Well, I'll make you happy this time! I'm gonna go jump in the fucking ocean!

[Wiegel gives everyone the finger]

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Fuck you, cocksuckers! Fuck you!

[sad]

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Fuck you, all right? Fuck you. I'm jumping in the ocean!

Deputy Travis Junior : What did I miss?

Deputy Clementine Johnson : She can't find her way to the ocean.

Lt. Jim Dangle : She can't find her way to her car.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : There is some racial tension on the squad, and I mean, I think it's normal. But I think, unfortunatly, it all comes from one guy, Officer Garcia. And I mean, the poor guy can't help it, he's Mexican.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Lt. Dangle and I have a very special relationship. We're like a brother and sister... except a brother and sister who have sex.

Deputy Travis Junior : Who's Garcia's partner today?

Lt. Jim Dangle : Not it.

Deputy Travis Junior : Not it.

Deputy Clementine Johnson : Not it.

Lt. Jim Dangle : Trudy.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : What'd I win?

Lt. Jim Dangle : You're with Garcia today.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Everybody loves a cripple.

[Wiegel and Johnson must round up perps to fill a prison cell for the taping of Rev. LeCarp's show]

Deputy Clementine Johnson : We should go down to Hooker Heaven and see if we can round up some girls there.

Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Is that the new bagel place?