Reno 911! (2003– )
Wendi McLendon-Covey: Deputy Clementine Johnson, Water Heater Lady, Newlywed Bride
Photos
Quotes
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Deputy Clementine Johnson : [on having sex with co-workers] I think that rules were made to be broken and I think that everybody should have sex with as many people as they possibly can. You only go around once in this life, and as long as everybody takes a shower, I don't know what the big deal is.
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Kevin the Sex Offender : Morning, my name's Kevin Darling, I'm moving in next door, just thought I'd come by and tell you a little bit about myself. I'm, uh, divorced... in between jobs, somewhat of a foodie, convicted sex offender, I, I, I play chess not very well...
Deputy Clementine Johnson : No, back up to the...
Kevin the Sex Offender : The other thing?
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Yeah, that's right.
Kevin the Sex Offender : I am a foodie, and so I cook a lot.
Deputy Clementine Johnson : No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't be cute, Kevin.
Kevin the Sex Offender : I am a convicted sex offender. Whatever that means.
Deputy Clementine Johnson : What that means, ma'am, is you've got a pervert living in your neighborhood.
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Deputy Clementine Johnson : [after a suspect drives off with a police car] We are screwed! We are screwed!
Deputy Williams : We gonna say he tried to rape us. We gonna lie, we gonna say he tried to rape us. He attacked us.
Deputy Clementine Johnson : He took it out.
Deputy Williams : He tried to...
[looks at the camera]
Deputy Williams : Give us the tape.
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Hand over the tape.
[the cameraman runs away]
Deputy Williams : Give us that tape!
Deputy Clementine Johnson : I will cut you!
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Frat Guy : [Dangle and Clemmy are at a frat party and they've been mistaken for contestants at a costume contest] We got some new contestants, here we go!
[Points to Dangle]
Frat Guy : Here's Gay Cop! Give it up for Gay Cop!
[the crowd cheers and chants "Gay Cop!" while Dangle stays perfectly still]
Frat Guy : Hold on!
[Points to Clemmie]
Frat Guy : Slut Cop, ladies and gentlemen!
[the crowd cheers and chants "Slut" and Clemmie just nods while the frat guy sends the other contestants away]
Frat Guy : Here are the contestants for the 500 dollar prize!
Deputy Clementine Johnson : I'm in, I'm in!
Lt. Jim Dangle : 500 cash?
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Deputy James Garcia : Last night was just a jumpstart, I got feelings, and I wanna do this right.
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Well, we can do it right later. Let's just do it wrong.
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[Wiegel may be dating a serial killer]
Deputy S. Jones : Do I think Craig is the Truckie River Killer... yeah.
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Yeah... and it's the best she's gonna do.
Deputy S. Jones : Yeah.
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Deputy Williams : [in the locker room] The women on the force, have to get alone. I mean, we're the minorities. We got to stick together, sisterhood, girl power, all that jazz.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : [to the camera] Rainesha Williams... is a loudmouth, backstabbing... Jew. I wanna say Jew, but I think she's in fact very openly Catholic, which I have a problem with, too.
Deputy Clementine Johnson : [in the locker room] I had a saying before I came to work here that feminism is bullshit. But I feel a sisterhood with these special, special people.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : [to the camera] Officer Johnson... is a whore.
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Deputy Clementine Johnson : [to a half naked man on top of a building] You got a whole half life left, and there are a lot of people who don't know you... I don't know what to say anymore!
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : [from the car] Excuse me, I accidentally locked myself in the car!
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Deputy Williams : I am planning a bachlorette party for you.
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Strippers.
Deputy Williams : You have a preference? Black, white?
Deputy Clementine Johnson : I like them all. I like black, I like white... I like black. Just don't get me any Pacific Islanders. I don't "get" them.
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Reverend Gigg LeCarp : Okay, Officer Garcia. God has asked me to speak to you because you are lost. You are lost.
Deputy Williams : He is evil.
Reverend Gigg LeCarp : We're hearing it even from the choir! You are lost and evil.
Deputy Clementine Johnson : And he's a loser!
Reverend Gigg LeCarp : You are lost, evil, and a loser. Come on, everyone, what are thing that we just don't like about Officer Garcia?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : He's a Mexican!
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Deputy Clementine Johnson : It's like when you're in high school, you always say, "Oh mom I'm going to watch a movie with uh... my boyfriend." And then you come home and your lips are all swollen like ahhh and your hair is all matted and all your makeup is absorbed into your face and you're covered with hickies and your mom says, "Hey what were you doing?" And you say, "Oh I was just watching a movie." and she says, "That's my boyfriend, I'd appreciate it if you'd stay away!" and then I say, "Oh yeah why don't you shave your legs, stupid bitch... whore." But we could make a movie, rarrrrrrr.
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Deputy Clementine Johnson : I don't know why everyone around here gets a boner every time the FBI comes in. All they do is wear suits and handle the fluids of dead people. That's not sexy to me.
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Steed Lankershim : Clemmie, I've enjoyed being in a semi monogamous relationship with you for ten years... your tits look great.
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Steed, when two dynamic people get together, there's a whole lot of dynamite. And I promise to stay married to you until we both decide we don't want to do it any more.
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[after a 72-hour suicide watch for Wiegel, Wiegel tells the troops she didn't actually try and kill herself, then Junior comes back with a beer]
Deputy Travis Junior : Allrighty. A tall cold one for the tall hot one.
[notices the silence]
Deputy Travis Junior : What'd I miss?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : You're mad, aren't you? Well... maybe I will fucking try and kill myself now! You're all disappointed... that I didn't try and kill myself! Well, I'll make you happy this time! I'm gonna go jump in the fucking ocean!
[Wiegel gives everyone the finger]
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Fuck you, cocksuckers! Fuck you!
[sad]
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Fuck you, all right? Fuck you. I'm jumping in the ocean!
Deputy Travis Junior : What did I miss?
Deputy Clementine Johnson : She can't find her way to the ocean.
Lt. Jim Dangle : She can't find her way to her car.
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[Jones and Dangle are playing a Halloween prank where Jones pretends to be dead. As Jones lies on a slab, all the others except for Wiegel are mourning him]
Deputy James Garcia : Jones... I'm gonna miss you Jones. I'm gonna miss you man.
[Jones jumps up and scares everyone. He and Dangle laugh while everyone else yells in surprise and anger]
Deputy James Garcia : That is not funny! That is not funny! You son of a bitch, Goddammit!
Deputy Williams : I cannot believe that you did this!
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Shh, Wiegel's coming, Wiegel's coming!
Deputy James Garcia : [pause] Let's do it again!
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Deputy Travis Junior : Who's Garcia's partner today?
Lt. Jim Dangle : Not it.
Deputy Travis Junior : Not it.
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Not it.
Lt. Jim Dangle : Trudy.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : What'd I win?
Lt. Jim Dangle : You're with Garcia today.
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[Wiegel and Johnson must round up perps to fill a prison cell for the taping of Rev. LeCarp's show]
Deputy Clementine Johnson : We should go down to Hooker Heaven and see if we can round up some girls there.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Is that the new bagel place?
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Deputy Clementine Johnson : [Clementine hears about Garcia and Williams "hooking up" in the hot tub] Well, I guess I'm no longer top dog.
Deputy James Garcia : I didn't realize I had a list of dogs.
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Deputy Clementine Johnson : [Deputy Johnson is administering a dancing sobriety test] Step, bump, step, bump-bump! 5,6,7,8...
Deputy S. Jones : You know what would be good is if you did a hitch kick right here
[suspect adds his own choreography]
Deputy S. Jones : and a barrel roll here and then woohoo!
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Wow! That's great. Are you a dancer?
Deputy S. Jones : No! I'm just drunk.
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Gotcha! You're going to jail.
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Deputy Clementine Johnson : [talking to Goth kids on Hallowe'en] If you want get back at someone, if you want to take your power back, here's a spell you can do. You get a personal object from that person, and you say, "Fire, malice, fear times three, so-and-so...
Carman Havens : Justine Timberlake...
Deputy Clementine Johnson : ...or Ted Nugent, feel my treachery."
Carman Havens : Can you hang out with us for a while?
Deputy Clementine Johnson : No, no, I'd love to, though. Actually those candles smell really good. I'd like to know where you got them.
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Deputy Clementine Johnson : Yeah, dispatch? We need an ambulance over here at the Ku Sux Klan rally.
[starts laughing]
Deputy Clementine Johnson : I'm just reading the sign!
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Deputy Clementine Johnson : You caught me. I work in a rat fuck. So I don't care. Go blab it all over the whole fucking station.
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Why do you do this?
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Because I need the money.
Deputy Williams : How much do you pull in a night?
Deputy Clementine Johnson : I walk away with about $300 a night, $500 if there's a convention.
Deputy Clementine Johnson , Deputy Williams : [while pouring tequila down a guy's throat] Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yiiiiiiii!
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Deputy Clementine Johnson : Garcia has a daughter? I had no idea. I had no idea. I would imagine... she must have a humpback or something?
