- Jackson Buford Harrison: Does she have any kids?
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: Yes.
- Jackson Buford Harrison: How Many?
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: Eight
- Jackson Buford Harrison: Jimminy Christmas, someone should tell her that it's a vagina not a clown car.
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: Yes, mother. I know the respirator is old, but you're not going to need it much longer. We'll talk soon.
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: No, mother, I can't come and see you tonight. Well, accidental amputations happen all the time. Deal with it.
- Gary's Therapist: So what seems to be the problem?
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: Well, for starters, I'm a six-foot rat.
- Gary's Therapist: You're not happy with your height. That's a good start.
- Gary: I've got to stop eating white trash.
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: Yes, mother. A lot of people go through life with only one lung. I'm sure it's fine for you to smoke. Go ahead, light up!
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: Are you sure you're a doctor?
- Gary's Therapist: The Internet University of Science Stuff seems to think so.
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: I'm outta here.
- Gary's Therapist: Please pay the girl outside in small bills.
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: I look forward to the bloodbath tomorrow!
- Caroline Swanson: So do I! I'm going to rip your heart out!
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: You'll have to find it first!
- [Gary gets a delivery of horrible stinking cheese at the office]
- Co-worker: Sniff, sniff - Holy Christ Andrews, what's that smell ? you're stinking up the whole building
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: That'd be the remnants of your 40 dollar girlfriend. You probably could catch her at the elevator if you hurry.
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: No mother, I can't come see you today. I realize it's your birthday but it's my first day back in court since the change and i have to be prepared.
- Betty: Yes we have the rat. Please hold. Good morning Mr. Ratman.
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: I beg your pardon?
- Betty: Mr. Ratman Mr. MouseMan. Mr. Andrews Mr. Harrison wants to see you in his office right away.
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: You wanted to see me, Mr. Harrison?
- Jackson Buford Harrison: Look's like the old rat is out of the bag, eh Andrews?
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: I know sir. I've come to clean out my desk.
- Jackson Buford Harrison: Well, if it were up to me, I wouldn't have left you in the building. It only takes one of you filthy creatures and the next thing you know, the whole building's infested.
- Gary's Mother: Gary, you look thinner.
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: Yes mom, I've been eating lots of cheese.
- Gary's Mother: It's about time you visit.
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: Whoa! That's a big frikkin rat!
- Truman Pinksdale: Can you kill him?
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: Can i kill him? I'll torture that son of a bitch for ya!
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: When i was eighteen that's when Mary came into my life. She was entelegent funny and quite full in the bosom. I think that's when my expression with large breasted women really took it strong on.
- Bud: Cheese Delivery dude. Whoa your like a giant dog.
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: Yes that's it exactly i'm a giant dog. Is that my Jamakin Jerk Cheddar? Here's a five spot you go grab yourself some shampoo and a toothbrush.
- Bud: Can you like bark?
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: No Mother i can't come see you today. I know your having surgery but some people are doing just fine without an anus. Listen Mother i have to go now. I'll talk to you soon.
- Jackson Buford Harrison: Harrison here. He did what? A bank? Where? I'll be right there.
- Betty: Yes Mr. Harrison?
- Jackson Buford Harrison: Betty it's Harrison here.
- Betty: Yes Mr. Harrison.
- Jackson Buford Harrison: Betty my no good for nothing slacker son is taking over a bank. He has hostages! Hold down my calls and hold up my lunch to two thirty.
- Betty: Yes Mr. Harisson.
- Jackson Buford Harrison: And if the misses calls tell her it's her fault for smoking ganja when she was breastfeeding that yelp.
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: No Mother i can't come see you today. I know today's your birthday but to be honest i thought you be dead right now. I'll try to get over there in a few minutes. Of course i love you but that still has nothing to do with it. You just became such a berden in my life i think it's not best to just think about you. Listen Mom i gotta go. Just tell the nurses to roll you over acationaly that should help the number of bed source. Gotta go.
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: What the hell happened to tolerance in this city? Am i so different to them as to be persecuted disspatered? What ever force of nature has this done this to me? I beset you! Change me back! I demand! Change me back right now! Oh well. My God what is that fragrant bouquet? Half eaten pizza crust. Milk duds. Medical waste. One of those giro gero oh who knows how to say that? Hey there's a pie in there. Get a grip man this is a two thousand dollar suit. Your more fellow then fewer. Do not jump into the- D'oh! I can't take it anymore! Eurika! Oh boy!
- Jackson Buford Harrison: Jiminy Christmas! That disgusting rat freak needs me! Somebody get me some spinach dip before i die!
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: Well let me tell you Father. The food here is terrific.
- Truman Pinksdale: The food is terrific because it's your last meal moron! They're going to execute you in the morning!
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: Dear God! That's sick! I think i love you.
- Cassandra Harrison: I know. Bye Gary.
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: Bye Cassie. I'll see you in my dreams.
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: I saved a marriage today Mom. Yes it was by mistake but never the less i saved it. What ever did happen to Father? You're not sure. He could still be alive? You gotta go? But Mom what about Dad? Hello? Hello?
- Jackson Buford Harrison: Again with the questions you nosey freak! Why don't you leave me the hell alone?
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: Sorry sir.
- Jackson Buford Harrison: You should be now if anyone needs me i'll be in the food court having souvlaki the hamburger of Grease you know.
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: I am sick and tired of that gelatinous blowhard recalculating me and my disposition! He deserves to be unhappy and alone!
- Judge: Bailiff take Ms. Swanson into custody!
- Caroline Swanson: I'll get you you rat bastard! I'll get you!
- Gary 'The Rat' Andrews: Call me.
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: I'm sorry Mommy please stop burning me. Must've dosed off. Anyways let's go kill that rat son of a bitch.
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: Yeah how's it going fancy pants?
- Truman Pinksdale: Mr. Bugz?
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: Yeah tell your wife thanks for the photos they're a big hit with the aryan brotherhood. Especially the ones with the lama.
- Truman Pinksdale: I'll let her know. Let's get down to business.
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: And the one with the donkey.
- Truman Pinksdale: Are you finished?
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: And the one with the rhino. I'm done now.
- Truman Pinksdale: Thank God dolt. Anyway the fact you are behind bars doesn't mean you can't fulfill your exterminator duties and kill Gary Andrews.
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: Who?
- Truman Pinksdale: The big rat.
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: I got nothing.
- Truman Pinksdale: Your six foot rat attorney who's defending you and who you've been trying to kill for months? I want him dead. I want you to use this cake to kill him.
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: Is he allergic to buttercream?
- Truman Pinksdale: No you idiot there's a gun in the cake.
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: He's allergic to guns?
- Truman Pinksdale: I want you to shoot him with the gun inside the cake!
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: And what do I get for doing in that vicious vermin?
- Truman Pinksdale: I'll arrange your escape from this penitentiary and i'll give you an additional twenty thousand dollars.
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: Hey how's it going Father?
- Truman Pinksdale: It's me you idiot! Truman Pinksdale. I'm just dressed as a priest.
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: Oh hey! So how's that wife of yours doing?
- Truman Pinksdale: Listen clod we don't have much time. After the cake debacle and your subsequent conviction on six counts of first degree murder they put your death row.
- Johnny Horatio Bugz: Well let me tell you about that Father. The food here's terrific.
- Truman Pinksdale: The food is terrific because it's your last mean moron! They're going to execute you in the morning!