- Mickey: [mocking Charlie] "Hey, Mickey, what's with the fryer? There's more oils on it than in it!" Why don't you suck my dick, you old bastard...!
- Sheriff Jerry: They never learn, do they? They have to be so mean all the time. They think they can do whatever they want to and get away with it. But they didn't know I was here, did they? I've been waiting a long time for this. A *long* time. In the end, they all get what they deserve.
- [Sheriff Jerry removes "his" disguise to reveal that "he" is, in fact, Angela Baker]
- Alan: [Talking about his pet frogs] They're my friends! They don't care if I was sick once. They like me, anyway.
- Michael: Here we go, again. How long are you gonna milk this rheumatic fever bullshit?
- Alan: The doctor said they'll always be effects.
- Michael: Yeah, you'll always be an asshole.
- Alan: At least I have an excuse.
- Alan: I'm not going back, Michael! EVER! Everyone's always picking on me! I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
- Alan: I know I've made a lot of bad choices, but I really wanna do better. I'm just asking for a chance.
- Alan: They're all so mean! Why can't they leave me alone? WHY, WHY, WHY? I never did anything to them! Michael, please, Michael, don't you start picking on me too, please! I'm your brother! I need your help!
- Spaz: You missed it, man! We're fricken pisser! I must've got 20 panties!
- T.C.: Yo, Spaz, a fuckin' broomstick just came through the floor and almost hit me in the fuckin' head! Look what it did to Donny's porn...!
- [showing a centerfold with a hole ripped out between her legs]
- Spaz: You sure it wasn't just you popping some major wood?