The Producers (2005)
Nathan Lane: Max Bialystock
Photos
Quotes
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Max Bialystock : We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?
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Ulla : My name is Ulla Inka Hanson Benson Yanson Tallen Hallen Swadon Swanson.
Max Bialystock : What is your first name?
Ulla : Oh that was my first name. Would you like to hear my last name?
Max Bialystock : We don't have the time.
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Leo Bloom : Let's assume for a moment, that you are a dishonest man.
Max Bialystock : Assume away.
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Leo Bloom : Elizabeth?
Franz Liebkind : Ja. Not many people know this, but the fuhrer was descended from a long line of English queens.
Max Bialystock : [after a long pause] Is that right?
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Leo Bloom : So what time can you get here?
Ulla : Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla excercise. From seven to eight Ulla take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : ...Eleven.
Ulla : Good! Ulla will come at eleven!
Max Bialystock : [holding his head in his hands] Ulla will come at eleven...
Ulla : God dag min vannina!
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : God dag min vannina... ninna...
Ulla : God bless America!
[Ulla leaves]
Max Bialystock : God bless Sweden!
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Max Bialystock : How did it begin? He walked into my office with his cockamamy scheme! You can make more money with a flop than with a hit! We can do it. We can do it. I can't do it. We can do it. I can't do it. Good-bye Max! Oh Lord I want that money! I'm back Max! Come on Leo we can do it! Step 1: Find the Play! See it, Smell it, Touch it, Kiss it! Hello Mr. Liebkind! Guten Tag, hop hop Guten Tag, clop clop! Adolf Elizabeth Hitler? Guten Tag, hop hop Guten Tag, clop clop! Step 2: Hire the Director Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it Two-three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn! Ulla! Oooh wah weee wah wah wow wowie! Step 3: Raise the Money! Along Came Bialy! Step 4: Hire all the actors! A wandering minstrel I, A thing of shreds and... Next! The little wooden boy. Next! That's our Hitler! Break a leg! I broke my leg! Springtime for Hitler and Germany- A surprise smash! Springtime for Hitler and Germany- It'll run for years! Where did we go right? Where did we go right? Gimme those books Fat, fat, fatty! Gimme those books! Fat, fat, fatty! Books, fat! Books, fat! Books, fat! Books, fat! Lousy fruit- Kill the actors You ever eat with one? Then you ran to Rio And you're safely out of reach, I'm behind these bars you're banging Ulla on the beach! Just like Julius Caesar was betrayed by Brutus, Who'd think an accountant would turn out to be my Judas! I'm so dismayed, is this how I'm repaid? To be... Betrayed! BETRAYED!
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Max Bialystock : Hey... kid! Hey! Yoo-hoo? Look at this...
[steps over Leo]
Max Bialystock : How can I help you?
Leo Bloom : [Screams] AAAHH!
Max Bialystock : What's wrong?
Leo Bloom : You're gonna jump on me!
Max Bialystock : What?
Leo Bloom : You're gonne jump on me!
Max Bialystock : No!
Leo Bloom : I know you're gonna jump on me...
Max Bialystock : No! Calm down...
Leo Bloom : ...And squash me like a bug!
Max Bialystock : Oh God.
Leo Bloom : Please don't jump on me!
Max Bialystock : I'm not gonna jump on you! I'm not gonna jump on you!
Leo Bloom : [Screams again] AAAAAHHH!
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Max Bialystock : I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa. And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch... And I hear her calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alviiiiin! Aaaaalviiiiiiiiiiiin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes. What the hell is that about? I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything from me... Even my past!
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Franz Liebkind : Ze penalty for braking ze Siegfried Oath is DESS!
Max Bialystock : Dess? Is that anything like death?
Franz Liebkind : YETH!
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Leo Bloom : FAT! FAT!
Max Bialystock : I'm not that fat!
Leo Bloom : FAT! Fat! Fatty! Fatso! You fat fat fatty fat walrus! Gimme the FAT BOOKS!
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Leo Bloom : We might have a position for you.
Max Bialystock : As a matter of fact, we might have several positions for you.
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Franz Liebkind : You know, not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer was a terrific dancer.
Max Bialystock : Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?
Leo Bloom : No, we sure didn't.
Franz Liebkind : THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL!
[gags]
Franz Liebkind : With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!
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Leo Bloom : Actors are not animals! They're human beings!
Max Bialystock : They are? Have you ever eaten with one?
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Leo Bloom : I'm wet! I'm hysterical and I'm wet!
Max Bialystock : [slaps him]
Leo Bloom : I'm in pain! I'm in pain, and I'm wet, and I'm still hysterical!
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Max Bialystock : [reading through scripts] Wait, here's one: "One morning Gregor Samsa awoke to discover he had been transformed into a giant cockroach!"...
[pause]
Max Bialystock : Nah, too good.
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Max Bialystock : Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!
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[an outtake]
Max Bialystock : You okay?
Leo Bloom : Oh, yes. Thank you for smiling, it really helped.
Max Bialystock : [walking over to a bust of Shakespeare] Well, you know what they say: "Smile and the world smiles with you!" Hahahaha-
[undertones to the bust]
Max Bialystock : This man should be in a straitjacket.
[pause]
Max Bialystock : What?
[pause]
Max Bialystock : Don't argue with me, you piece of-!
[he slaps the bust angrily, and turns to Leo again, speaking calmly]
Max Bialystock : Feeling better?
Leo Bloom : [suppressing laughter] Yes.
Max Bialystock : Good. That makes three of us.
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[repeated line]
Leo Bloom : Max... we never should've started this! I think we're getting in too deep!
Max Bialystock : Too deep? This is nothing! I'll tell ya when we're getting in too deep!
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Max Bialystock : Hold me touch me, where is hold me touch me...
[searches for picture]
Max Bialystock : Hold me touch me, Hold me touch me... Kiss me feel me, Yank me spank me, Suck me fu... ah! Hold me touch me!
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Max Bialystock : [with a very high Irish accent] And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher! As we say in the old country...
[normal voice]
Max Bialystock : Taxi!
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Hold Me-Touch Me : I know, let's play the virgin milkmaid and the well-hung stable boy.
Max Bialystock : Oh, I don't think I have the strength.
Hold Me-Touch Me : Don't worry, I'll be gentle.
[Hold me-Touch me grabs an umbrella and mimcks carrying milk]
Hold Me-Touch Me : Oh dear, this milk is so heavy. I'll never reach the house. You there, well-hung stable boy, won't you please help me?
Max Bialystock : Why of course my little dairy queen. First, I shall take your milk. Then, I shall take your VIRGINITY!
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Max Bialystock : Do you know who I am?
Leo Bloom : You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY!
Max Bialystock : No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!
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Max Bialystock : [holding play] Smell it. Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it! It's the mother lode...
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Leo Bloom : Ooh, Ohh how I hate you!
Max Bialystock : Double, DOUBLE!
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Max Bialystock : [from deleted scenes, reading a review] "By the end of 'Funny Boy', Max Bialystock's hopeless musical of "Hamlet", everybody is dead. They were the lucky ones." And this was the best review we got.
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[Max is recollecting his life while in a jail cell; he imgaines his momma calling him]
Max Bialystock : Wait a minute, my name's not 'Alvin'... Someone *else's* life is flashing before my eyes. *What the hell is that about?* I'm not a hillybilly... I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything... even my past!
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Leo Bloom : I'm very sorry I caught you feeling up the old lady.
Max Bialystock : "Feeling up the old lady." Thank you Mr. Tact.
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Leo Bloom : Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic. The most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I've never felt this way before. It's like a volcano erupting inside of me... like hot lava rising higher and higher and - What is that, Max? What is it?
Max Bialystock : It's called an erection. It's either that or malaria.
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[as Max is sentenced for fraud]
Hold-Me Touch-Me : Hold me! Touch me!
Max Bialystock : ...I'm a little busy.
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Max Bialystock : The two cardinal rules of producing. One: Never put your own money in the show.
Leo Bloom : And two?
Max Bialystock : [yelling] Never put your own money in the show!
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Max Bialystock : There's more to you than there is to you.
[Max turns away, silently mouthing "What the fu..."]
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Franz Liebkind : [making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath] All right. First you will raise your right forefingers, und repeat after me.
[they do]
Franz Liebkind : I solemnly svear...
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : [holding up their forefingers] I solemnly svear...
Franz Liebkind : To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Franz Liebkind : Und!
Max Bialystock : [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!
Leo Bloom : [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!
Franz Liebkind : [wagging his finger] Never, Never, Never!
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : [flipping Franz off] Never, Never, Never
Franz Liebkind : Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolph Elizabeth Hitler
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : Dishonor the spirit und ze... Elizabeth?
Franz Liebkind : Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer vas descended from a long line of English qveens.
[long pause]
Max Bialystock : Is that right?
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : [shrugging] Adolph ELIZABETH Hitler.
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Hold-Me Touch-Me : I made it out just like you told me to: To the title of the play. "Cash". It's a funny sort of name for a play, "Cash"...
Max Bialystock : So is "The Iceman Cometh"
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Ulla : [nervously] Okey-dokey... you like it?
Max Bialystock : Lik-, like it? I want you to know, my dear, that even though we are sitting down, we are giving you a *standing ovation*.
[Leo and Max both cross legs uncomfortably]
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Carmen Ghia : [answering the door at Roger's house] Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?
Max Bialystock : I...
Carmen Ghia : ...sss!
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Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock , Carmen Ghia , Roger De Bris : Break a leg!
[CRASH!]
Max Bialystock : Franz, what happened?
Franz Liebkind : I broke my leg!
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Max Bialystock : Always moving your lips along with the actors.
Roger De Bris : [mouthing along with him] Always moving your lips along with the actors.
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Max Bialystock : Why you miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar! Don't you ever want to become a butterfly? Don't you want to spread your wings, and flap your way to glory?
Leo Bloom : No!
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Max Bialystock : So, you're an accountant?
Leo Bloom : Yes, sir, I am, sir.
Max Bialystock : Then account for yourself!
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Roger De Bris : Mrs. Bialystock and Bloom I pressume? Ha! Forgive the pun!
Leo Bloom : What pun?
Max Bialystock : Shut up! He thinks he's witty!
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Ulla : Remember ven Ulla Dance?
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : Ja.
Ulla : Ulla dance again!
Max Bialystock : ULLA DANCE AGAIN!
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[Roger De Bris enters the room]
Leo Bloom : Max... He's wearing a dress!
Max Bialystock : No kidding!
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Hold-Me Touch-Me : [in court where Max is the defendant] Hold me. Touch me.
Max Bialystock : I'm a little busy.
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Max Bialystock : [when Franz is threatening them with his gun]
[to Leo]
Max Bialystock : Remember when I told you I'd tell you when we were in too deep?
Leo Bloom : Yeah...
Max Bialystock : We're in too deep.
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Max Bialystock : [to Leo, after seeing the audience's negative reaction to "Springtime for Hitler"] Come on, let's get out of here before they kill us.
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Leo Bloom : Max, I think we're getting in too deep.
Max Bialystock : Too deep? This is nothing. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.
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Leo Bloom : Mr. Bialystock... I'M BACK!
Max Bialystock : [to God] You are good.
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Max Bialystock : [after seeing Franz perform at the auditions] THAT'S OUR HITLER!
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Max Bialystock : That's it, baby! When you got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!
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Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : We can do it! We can do it!
Max Bialystock : Every show I touch I doom!
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : We were fated, To be mated, We're Bialystock and Bloom!
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Max Bialystock : Listen Roger, I know we sent it to you only this morning, but did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris : Read it? I devoured it! And I find it remarkable, REMARKABLE! I feel it is a very important piece drenched with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.
Max Bialystock : Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?
Roger De Bris : Do it? Of course not. It's not my kind of thing, I mean, Max please... World War II? Oooh... too dark, too depressing.
[Music starts]
Roger De Bris : [sung] The theatre's so obsessed / With dramas so depressed / It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway / Shows should be more pretty / Shows should be more witty / Shows should be more...
[spoken]
Roger De Bris : What's the word?
Leo Bloom : Gay?
Roger De Bris : Exactly!
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Max Bialystock : Settle down, you teutonic TWIT!
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Max Bialystock : Whatta ya say, Bloom?
Leo Bloom : [sung] What do I say? / Finally a chance to be a broadway producer! / What do I say? / Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir! / What do I say? What do I say? / Here's what I say to you, sir...
Leo Bloom : [sung] I can't do it!
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Max Bialystock : We got the wrong play. We got the wrong director. We got the wrong actors. Where did we go right?
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Max Bialystock : [patting Franz comfortingly] There, there.
Franz Liebkind : Where? Where?
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Max Bialystock : I'll send you to the moon Thursday. I may even join you.
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Max Bialystock : Dear Lord... I want that money!
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Max Bialystock : Franz Liebkind?
Franz Liebkind : I was not a member of the Nazi party!
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Franz Liebkind : Nein.
Max Bialystock : Nein?
Franz Liebkind : No.
Max Bialystock : That's what nein means.
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Max Bialystock : [about Franz's hop-clop] It's sort of a Nazi Hoedown.
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Max Bialystock : [after hearing Ulla's huge name] What's your first name?
Ulla : That was my first name. You wanna hear my last name?
Max Bialystock : Sorry. We don't have time.
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Ulla : Would you like Ulla make audition?
Leo Bloom : That won't be nece...
Max Bialystock : Yes, it is nece! Extremely nece!
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Max Bialystock : [to a prisoner in Sing Sing] What are you in for, lack of rhythm?
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Roger De Bris : Oh and Max darling we LOVED Funny Boy, didn't we Carmen?
Carmen Ghia : Oh WORSHIPPED it! Uh... To be or not to be...
Roger De Bris : You mean a lot to me!
Roger De Bris : Show stoppah!
Carmen Ghia : FABULOUS!
Max Bialystock : ...Right.
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[preparing to perform "The Guten Tag Hop-Clop"]
Franz Liebkind : First, you must roll up your pants.
Max Bialystock : Okay.
[He and Leo begin to roll up their pant legs]
Franz Liebkind : Rolling?
Max Bialystock : Rolling.
Franz Liebkind : Rolling?
Max Bialystock : Rolling.
Franz Liebkind : Come on, don't be stingy! Show some LEG!
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Max Bialystock : Don't you see Bloom? You're like... you're like a fountain!
Leo Bloom : I'm a fountain?
Max Bialystock : [yelling] YES YOU'RE A FOUNTAIN!
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[from deleted scene]
Max Bialystock : Did you bring the checkie?
Hold Me-Touch Me : Yes, but first, lets play one, dirty little game.
Max Bialystock : Here in broad daylight. All right what do you want to play?
Hold Me-Touch Me : Lets play the hairless chihuahua and the well hung Great Dane!
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Hold Me-Touch Me : You know what I'd really like?
Max Bialystock : [turning to the hot dog vendor] She'll have the foot long
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Carmen Ghia : May I take your hats, your coats, and your Swastikas?
Max Bialystock : Oh, these?
[Max and Leo take off their Swastika armbands and hand them to Carmen]
Max Bialystock : [laughs nervously] We just came from this big rally. Everyone was wearing one!
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[Max and Leo see Franz feeding his pigeons]
Max Bialystock : Just a hunch... but I'm guessing that's our man.
Leo Bloom : Oh, Max! He's wearing a German helmet. And leiderhosen!
Max Bialystock : I know, I know! Just don't notice! Don't notice anything!
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Max Bialystock : Franz Liebkind?
[Franz slams his back against the pigeon roost]
Franz Liebkind : [yells] I vaz never a member of the Nazi party! I had nossing to do vith the var! I didn't even know there vas a var on! Vee lived in zee back... near Svitzerland! All vee ever heard vas yodeling!
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[From an outtake]
Leo Bloom : Thank you for smiling. That helped a great deal.
Max Bialystock : Well, you know what they say: Smile and the world smiles with you.
[He laughs]
Max Bialystock : This man should be in a strait...
[He realizes he's still at the desk and not at the metal bust]
Max Bialystock : I'm doing the wrong fucking thing...
[He buries his face in his hands and laughs]
