The Producers (2005)

Roger De Bris : Quick darling, back in the closet!

[Carmen answers the phone, a piano underscore playing]

Carmen Ghia : Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Whom may I say is calling?

[Carmen frowns and the piano abruptly stops]

Carmen Ghia : Listen, you broken down old queen. He was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky! Don't ever call here again!

[he slams the phone down]

Roger De Bris : Who was that?

Carmen Ghia : Wrong number!

Roger De Bris : Oh dear, your Mr. Bloom is staring at my gown. I should explain. I'm going to the choreographer's ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume.

Carmen Ghia : We always win.

Roger De Bris : I'm not so sure about this year. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building!

Carmen Ghia : Well, as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on, you're only half-dressed.

Roger De Bris : Well then, why don't you go and get it, o Wicked Witch of the West?

[pause]

Carmen Ghia : If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart... bulls-eye!

Roger De Bris : [sung as Hitler] I was just a paper hanger / no one more obscurer. / Got a phone call from the Reichstag / told me I was F¸hrer. / Germany was blue / What, oh, what to do? / Hitched up my pants / and conquered France. / Now Deutschland's smiling through!

Roger De Bris : [spoken] But it wasn't always so easy... It was 1932. Hindenburg was working the Big Room and I... I was playing the lounge. And then I got my big break. Somebody burned down the Reichstag. And would you believe it? They made me Chancellor. Chancellor!

Roger De Bris : [sung] It ain't no mystery / if it's politics or history. / The thing you've got to know is / everything is showbiz!

Roger De Bris : [Leo is on top of Max on the floor fighting over the account book. Roger and Carmen arrive in the room and they have the impression that Leo and Max are having sex] Now that's what I call celebrating!

Roger De Bris : This crazy Kraut is crackers! He crashed in here and crassly tried to kill us!

Carmen Ghia : Oh, Roger, what alliteration!

Roger De Bris : Thank you, darling.

Franz Liebkind : [while waving a gun around] You made a fool of Hitler!

Carmen Ghia , Roger De Bris : [Carmen and Roger peer over the couch where they are hiding] He didn't need our help.

Roger De Bris : You mean that smell is you? Oh GOD. If I could bottle you, I'd shove you under my armpits every day.

Roger De Bris : I am going to the choreographers' ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume.

Carmen Ghia : We always win.

Roger De Bris : I am not so sure about this year. I am supposed to be the Grand Dutchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building.

Roger De Bris : Of course that whole second act has to be rewritten. They're losing the war? Excuse me? It's too downbeat!

Roger De Bris , Carmen Ghia : [sung] A Happy Ending will pep up your play...

Roger De Bris : [sung] Oedipus won't bomb...

Carmen Ghia : [sung] If he winds up with Mom! / Keep it gay...

Roger De Bris : [sung] Keep it gay...

Roger De Bris , Carmen Ghia : [sung] Keep it gay!

Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock , Carmen Ghia , Roger De Bris : Break a leg!

[CRASH!]

Max Bialystock : Franz, what happened?

Franz Liebkind : I broke my leg!

Max Bialystock : Always moving your lips along with the actors.

Roger De Bris : [mouthing along with him] Always moving your lips along with the actors.

Roger De Bris : Mrs. Bialystock and Bloom I pressume? Ha! Forgive the pun!

Leo Bloom : What pun?

Max Bialystock : Shut up! He thinks he's witty!

Donald Dinsmore : I would like to sing "The little wooden boy. "

[the song intro plays as Donald dances. Just before he is about to open his mouth:]

Roger De Bris : NEXT!

Max Bialystock : Listen Roger, I know we sent it to you only this morning, but did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?"

Roger De Bris : Read it? I devoured it! And I find it remarkable, REMARKABLE! I feel it is a very important piece drenched with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.

Max Bialystock : Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?

Roger De Bris : Do it? Of course not. It's not my kind of thing, I mean, Max please... World War II? Oooh... too dark, too depressing.

[Music starts]

Roger De Bris : [sung] The theatre's so obsessed / With dramas so depressed / It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway / Shows should be more pretty / Shows should be more witty / Shows should be more...

[spoken]

Roger De Bris : What's the word?

Leo Bloom : Gay?

Roger De Bris : Exactly!

Roger De Bris : [signing his name] Roger Elizabeth DeBris!

Carmen Ghia : [At Hitler auditions] Jason Green.

Roger De Bris : Well Jason, what have you been up to lately?

Jason Green : For the last 16 years, I've been touring in "No, No Nietzsche."

Roger De Bris : You played Nietzsche?

Jason Green : No, no.

Roger De Bris : What are you going to sing for us?

Jason Green : Have you ever heard the German band?