Red vs. Blue (2003–2024)

Yomary Cruz: F.I.L.S.S., Sheila the Tank, Sheila, Phyllis the Tank

Quotes 

• [Simmons and Grif of Red Army are faced with the Blue Army's tank, manned by Caboose. The tank is pointing its cannon at them] 

  Simmons : OK, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...

  Grif : Wait. On three, or three and then go?

  Simmons : On three. It's always faster to go on three.

  Grif : OK. OK. On three.

  Caboose : Here!

  Sheila : Tutorial deactivated. AutoFire sequence activated.

  Simmons : Ready?

  Sheila : Acquiring targets.

  Church : [to Tucker]  I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.

  Simmons : One...

  [Grif starts backing away, then turns and runs like hell] 

  Sheila : Target acquired.

  Grif : Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...

  Simmons : Two...

  Sheila : Target locked.

  Simmons : Three!

  [Simmons turns and sees that Grif is long gone] 

  Simmons : Oh, you backstabbing cockbite!

  Sheila : Firing main cannon.

  [Sheila fires her cannon and blows up the Warthog] 

  Simmons : Son of a bitch!

  Grif : Son of a bitch!

  Church : Son of a bitch!

  Sheila : Firing main cannon.

  [Sheila continues firing while everyone runs away from the tank] 

  Tucker : [to Church]  Hey dude, the jeep blew up!

  Church : No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker!

  Simmons : [hiding with Grif behind a rock that Sheila continues to shoot at]  "Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the side of the rock." Great plan, you idiot!

• Sarge : [Tex has finished repairing Shelia, and is now attacking the Red Base. Sarge is in the Warthog and radios Simmons]  Simmons, I'm comin' around in the Warthog. Take the gunner position when I come by.

  Simmons : Right, Sir.

  Grif : I'll, uh, I'll just stay here.

  Simmons : Yeah. Stay and guard this cement wreck. It's vital to our success.

  [Simmons jumps into the gunner position of the Warthog] 

  Simmons : I'm in, sir.

  Sarge : [they drive off towards Sheila]  Good. Here's the plan, Simmons

  [Tex blasts the Warthog, and Simmons flies off] 

  Sarge : Yowza!

  Grif : [Sarge and Simmons run back to Red Base]  Wow. You guys back so soon? Win the war already?

  Simmons : Hey Sarge, you mind telling me the rest of the plan now?

  Sarge : If we survive this, I'm gonna kill the both of you... slowly...

  Sheila : [Shelia is still firing at the Red Base]  Firing main cannon.

  Donut : [Donut runs up the stairs, while Grif, Simmons, and Sarge are cowarding in the other staircase]  What are you guys doing up here?

  Grif : That chick with the black armor is back!

  Donut : What chick? The one who stuck a grenade to my head?

  Simmons : That's the one!

  Donut : The one who's the reason why I'm in this Light Red Armor?

  Grif : Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but it's so much faster just to say Pink.

  Donut : Ohhh, I've been waiting for this...

  [runs to edge of base, towards Sheila] 

  Donut : HEY BITCH! REMEMBER ME? I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA'!

  [Tosses grenade at Tex and Sheila] 

  Tucker : [Simmons and Grif look at grenade, grenade flies, Lopez/Church watches grenade, grenade flies, Tucker and Cabosse watch grenade]  Wow. That girl has some arm...

  Tex : [grenade lands in Tex's lap]  Oh, CRAP!

  Donut : HELL YEAH! THREE POINTS, YOU DIRTY WHORE!

• Church #2 : There's Sheila. Sheila!

  [runs up to the tank and starts shooting it with his pistol] 

  Church #2 : Sheila, Sheila, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Sheila, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!

  Church : [running off of Blue Base]  Okay, rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!

  Church #2 : [runs behind the tank]  Aw crap crap, come on, activate!

  Sheila : Thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Phyllis.

  Church #2 : Hey, Sh- wait, Phyllis? Why not Sheila?

  Sheila : Name overwritten. You may now call me Sheila.

  Church #2 : Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs.

  Sheila : Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers are enabled.

  Church #2 : Yeah, c'mon, c'mon, hurry.

  Sheila : Extra ammo management is disabled. The friendly-fire protocol is enabled.

  Church #2 : Friendly fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?

  Sheila : Affirmative.

  Church #2 : All right. *Disable* the friendly-fire protocol.

  Sheila : Friendly-fire protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targetted by auto-lock.

  Church #2 : Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right.

  [Caboose enters the tank] 

  Church #2 : I want the other thing.

  Sheila : [to Caboose]  Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.

  Caboose : Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.

  Sheila : Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

  Church #2 : Sheila, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said.

  Sheila : This tutorial program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel. Let's begin with some driving.

  [drives off] 

  Church #2 : [left behind]  Wait! Oh my God, no!

  Sheila : I was built by an American automotive company, and I was assembled in Mexico.

  Church #2 : [chasing on foot]  No no no no no no no no no no n...

• Grif : [Sarge has gone off to look for a levitation ray in order to get the crash-landed ship off of Donut*] 

  [sighs*] 

  Grif : Sarge just drove away with our Jack, didn't he?

  Simmons : And our shovels. Sometimes I'm amazed our entire platoon hasn't starved to death.

  Church : [appearing behind them*]  The fuck you guys doing out here? You're breaking the canyons!

  Grif : Fuck off, Blue! The ship just crashed on one of our guys!

  Church : What, this ship?

  Simmons : [sarcastically*]  No, another ship! Then that ship left and this ship crashed in the exact same spot.

  Church : Where'd it come from?

  Grif : It's a spaceship. It came from *space*.

  Church : [momentary pause*]  ... Dibs.

  Simmons : What?

  Church : Dibs. I just called dibs. It's my ship now. Dibs.

  Simmons : No it isn't, jackass! We found it first!

  Church : Yeah, but you didn't call dibs; I did. Dibs. See?

  Grif : You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous!

  Church : Heh, yes I can! Dibs! See? I just did it again. Now, get the fuck away from my ship, Tomato Can.

  Simmons : Don't call me "Tomato Can"!

  Grif : Try and take it then!

  Church : Um, okay... Sheila?

  [Sheila suddenly appears behind Church*] 

  Sheila : You bet!

  [points her turret at Simmons and Grif*] 

  Grif : Fuck! You forgot about that too, didn't you?

  Simmons : Yeah, kinda.

  Sheila : Now step away from the ship, Tomato Can!

  Grif : Ha ha, "Tomato Can"!

  Sheila : You too, Lemon Head!

  Grif : Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!

• Caboose : Please don't go.

  Sheila : I am... not leaving.

  Caboose : Oh good. Good. Stay.

  Sheila : You are acting strangely, and I would like to find out why.

  Caboose : Oh, OK. Um...

  Sheila : Caboose, the Omega AI has been missing, and everyone has been attempting to find him. If you continue to act erratically, they may mistakenly think he is inside of you, and take drastic measures against you.

  Caboose : Oh, I wouldn't want them to do that.

  Sheila : Exactly. Luckily, I know where Omega is.

  Caboose : You do? Where?

  Sheila : He is inside Blarrrrr...

  [Tex just shut down Sheila] 

  Tex : Got it!

  Caboose : Who is Blarrr... Blerr...